


Vindicated

by AkuChibi



Series: Medical Red Tape [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 22:34:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 51,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2325620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkuChibi/pseuds/AkuChibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Medical Red Tape. Rated T for language. Slash pairing. Follows through AU-ish version of Citadel DLC. In the wake of a mission gone wrong, Hackett forces the crew to take some much needed shore leave on the Citadel. However, things quickly get complicated when there's a threat on Shepard's life, and by default, everyone else's, too. They may need a vacation from this vacation! In the height of the aftermath of a badly blown mission, Kaidan is relieved when Hackett orders them to take some shore leave. Despite Shepard's misgivings, it's for the best of everyone. When a Shepard look alike takes over, though, it's a race to find the real Shepard and convince the others of the danger before the not-Shepard takes control - permanently. Features lots of hurt!Shepard and worried!Kaidan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to Medical Red Tape. I suggest reading that first but I guess it's not necessary. All you really need to know is there was a slight problem with Shepard's cybernetics because that's really all that carries over, besides the romance. I have plans for a third story but so far only have the first chapter finished, so we'll see how that goes. Also, since I might have forgotten to say it: My Shepard is a vanguard, sole survivor, colony background. It's also the default appearance. Hope you enjoy this story if you liked the first one :)

**Vindicated**

_Sequel to Medical Red Tape_

 

Chapter One

 

This was supposed to be a simple mission. Find missing artifact, retrieve it, get the hell out of there. In and out, no more than thirty minutes tops. That was what they’d been told, anyway.

            But as always they were left in the dark and it was anything but simple. Cerberus was there before them and seemed to know they were coming. Kaidan didn’t realize how unprepared they were until Garrus tripped a an invisible wire. If it hadn’t been for Shepard’s biotic charge tackling the turian to the ground, Garrus would be dead from the fiery lasers that cut through where he once stood.

            Things just went downhill from there.

            Somewhere along the way, exhaustion set in. Using biotics so frequently often did that. It was like having a super-charged metabolism and burned calories like they were nothing. It honestly took all they had for the biotics to _not_ be skin and bones. Each time they used their biotics, more calories were burned. If more calories were taken away than put into the body, exhaustion was the result, and if this continued, further health issues.

            Without those calories to eat and use for energy, the biotics would use whatever they could. Muscle tissue, stomach acid, whatever it had to use to get that burst of energy, that adrenaline to work. Kaidan was careful to never let it go too far – when he started feeling the heavy tug of his limbs, the onset of exhaustion, he stopped using them and switched to his guns.

            At the moment, though, they were outnumbered and out of ammo. The only ammo was across the battle field next to the fallen Cerberus soldiers and there was no way to get the ammo without getting shot in the face. Their armor might have been able to take a few shots but they didn’t have helmets. While helmets offered head protection, it also limited their head movement, and that could cause them to miss vital things nearby, like an enemy preparing for a sneak assault off to the side. They needed the full range of motion so whenever possible, they didn’t wear their helmets. They usually had their shields and barriers up anyway, which would take the first hit unless it was well placed and powerful enough to do instant damage. Headshots were usually always fatal unless done by a fairly weak weapon.

            The point was, they couldn’t get ammo. That left them using biotics. Kaidan himself was getting exhausted and Garrus just sat there glaring at his guns because he wasn’t a biotic. Shepard had yet to charge across the battle field much to Kaidan’s relief, but the exhaustion was weighing on him, too, probably more so than Kaidan because he was still under orders to not use his biotics unless strictly necessary, and only very little.

            If he had to use a biotic charge to save a teammate, that was fine.

            But hours upon hours of fighting using his biotics…

            _That’s not._

            He’d already had a problem with his cybernetics once. Kaidan was still confused as to how using his biotics could irritate the cybernetics, but that wasn’t his area of expertise and while he told himself he would learn more about it, there hadn’t been time to do so yet.

            It had only been two weeks since the ordeal with Bryson and the Leviathan, since Shepard was released from med bay and the two of them entered into this relationship.

            Two weeks of hurried happiness. There was very little downtime but when they did have free time, they spent it together, usually in Shepard’s cabin. Kaidan rarely returned to the Observation Room anymore, and never slept there. Instead he’d come to start thinking of Shepard’s cabin as _his_ cabin as well.

            Two weeks of happiness, of healing, and now this.

            “Cortez, we need that shuttle _now_ ,” Shepard all but growled into the comm link, lifting a gloved hand to wipe sweat from his brow. Kaidan peeked over the cover and growled under his breath as he saw an atlas heading toward them.

            “Shepard,” he said in warning, and Shepard looked up and cursed under his breath.

            “I’m trying, Commander,” Cortez replied, voice just as urgent as Shepard’s, “but they’ve got troops everywhere!”

            “We can see that!” Garrus said.

            “If you don’t want to bring us back to the Normandy in body bags, I suggest you get here now!” Shepard growled before peeking over the cover again, blue energy gathering around his hand as he flicked it, sending a pull toward the enemy. Kaidan watched, almost detachedly, as one of the soldiers was lifted into the air. Shepard used another pull, hitting him again and this time he went flying into the wall and slid to the ground, unconscious.

            _We can’t keep this up._

            The severity of the situation was quickly setting in, leaving a knot in his stomach. Steel bands encircled his lungs as he looked at Shepard, watched the determined set of his features, the stiffening of his shoulders as he used another pull. The biotic barrier blazed blue around him as a bullet whizzed past his shoulder and the commander ducked back down behind cover.

            _We might actually die here._

            He’d never thought that before, he realized. He always thought Shepard would get them out of there, that he always had a plan. A plan B. He always seemed so confidant but now, as he got to know the man better, he realized he didn’t have all the answers just like Kaidan himself didn’t have all the answers.

            The atlas was getting closer. He didn’t have to look over his cover to see that. The mech was heavy and loud and its footsteps vibrated the ground beneath them, each thud of its heavy footfalls making that knot in Kaidan’s stomach that much bigger.

            He watched as Shepard made his decision. Watched those shoulders droop, however marginally, knew he hated that droop more than anything because that meant _defeat_. Shepard just gave into something and he didn’t know what, couldn’t ask around that lump in his throat and the sound of the mech getting closer.

            Shepard’s blue eyes were suddenly on him, sharp and captivating. “Cortez, where are you?”

            _Yes. Where are you._

            If he didn’t get here soon…

            Kaidan didn’t want to find out what that droop meant.

            _You’re not doing anything reckless._

            He would make sure of that, as he vowed to himself before.

            “ETA 5 minutes,” Cortez said, and Kaidan felt that knot loosen somewhat. Five minutes. They could hold out for five minutes, right?

            He looked down at his rifle, useless and forgotten on the ground next to him. Bullets slammed into his cover, causing bits of the rock to break off and topple onto his head, the dust of it nearly blinding him, stinging his eyes but he didn’t care about that. No, what he cared about was the fact that Shepard was _standing up_.

            He grabbed Shepard by the wrist and yanked _hard_ , causing the commander to kneel or risk falling over, but either way he was behind cover again.

            “Are you crazy?” Kaidan hissed, glaring at him, at the dull hue of those eyes which should have been bright.

            _Exhaustion,_ he told himself. _It’s exhaustion. We’re all tired._

            But somehow that didn’t seem quite right.

            Sweat dripped down Shepard’s face. He was half leaning, favoring his left side and now Kaidan reached out, saw the awareness dawn in Shepard’s eyes and watched his commander pull away just as quickly.

            “Doc said no more biotics.”

            Shepard smiled but it was thin and frail, just like this moment of peace because that mech was getting closer and Kaidan knew it would break soon. “Kind of late for that, K.”

            The use of his nickname, used only in private in Shepard’s cabin when the two were completely alone, had his body stiffening in dread. A chill crawled through him, unwanted and intrusive and his grip on Shepard’s wrist tightened.

            “What are you thinking?” he asked quietly, even as Garrus began using the last of his pistol ammo in a futile attempt to hold the atlas off.

            “Thinking about how mad Doc’s gonna be.”

            Kaidan wanted to laugh, wanted to at least try to appreciate Shepard’s attempt at humor, but he couldn’t. That lump in his throat stopped the sound from escaping, however forced it would have been, and Shepard’s shoulders drooped that much more. Kaidan pulled at the wrist he held captive, urging the brunette closer, until finally Shepard acquiesced and sat heavily next to him, back against the cold stone of their cover.

            And it was because of where he now sat, with his left side facing Kaidan as Kaidan now sat on his left, that he noticed the crack in the armor.

            _Crack?_

            There wasn’t supposed to be a crack there. Unconsciously his hand sought out the same place in his arm and found only the smooth bits that should have been present on Shepard’s but instead there was a jagged hole, a crack.

            Beyond that he could see something dark.

            Anger welled up in his throat. It pushed back the rising desperation and instantly he was in front of Shepard, having leveraged himself away from cover enough that he would not get shot and that he could block Shepard’s escape. One hand pressed firmly against Shepard’s right shoulder, lightly forcing him back against the stone as his other hand reached for that crack in the armor.

            “Kaidan-” Shepard tried.

            Kaidan’s hand came away red. It stood out in stark contrast to the blue of his own armor, and his gaze snapped toward Shepard’s face. Noticed the pallor for the first time, that dull light in the eyes suddenly making sense, as did all the sweat drops dotting his brow.

            “You’ve been shot.”

            The words felt foreign as they tumbled out of his mouth. Shepard swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing.

            “He’s been shot,” Kaidan said a little louder, so Garrus could hear. He was a little further down the rock wall, able to stand up completely there while Kaidan and Shepard were at the break in it, where they had to kneel if they didn’t want to get shot.

            _Shot_.

            Shepard had been shot.

            And Kaidan hadn’t noticed.

            _You failed. Again._

            That knot in his stomach was back. This time when he heard the heavy thuds he wasn’t sure if it was the footfalls of the atlas or the beating of his own heart, pummeling against his chest. Either way it felt like he was wasting time, losing time, and he couldn’t afford to let that happen.

            His medical training kicked in, allowing him a moment to focus. He reached for Shepard again but this time, instead of pushing him against the stone cover, he carefully urged the vanguard toward the ground. Shepard fought him because why would he possibly make this easy?

            _You idiot!_ Kaidan wanted to shout. _You’ve been shot!_

            And Kaidan couldn’t tell how much it was bleeding, how bad it was, because of the armor. All he could see was the blood through the crack, and Shepard’s breaths sounded a lot shakier than they had before.

            “I’m okay,” Shepard all but wheezed, struggling to get back up.

            Kaidan growled and put a hand on his chest, keeping him seated. “You’re not _okay_ ,” he snapped, glaring at the man. “Are you crazy?”

            _He has to be._

            “Kaidan.”

            Shepard’s voice was soft, quiet – _sincere_. And despite himself, Kaidan felt himself relax, felt those steel bands loosen and he could breathe again, if only for a moment.

            “It’s okay.”

            The laugh that escaped him was more bitter than anything. “How is anything about this _okay_?” he demanded. “And where the hell is Cortez?”

            The pilot said it would be five minutes. How long had it been? It had to have been an eternity.

            There was the telltale _beep_ of the atlas firing its rockets. The cover they were hiding behind nearly exploded. The edges did but somehow the middle remained intact, where they were hiding. Even so the realization that soon this cover would be gone slammed through Kaidan. It would be gone, they’d have to run. Except Shepard was shot and he didn’t want him moving, didn’t want him getting up. He wanted him to sit there and act like he’d been injured, because why did he have to play the hero all the time?

            _Because that’s what we expect of him._

            Guilt gnawed at him but he didn’t have time to think about it right now. Shepard’s eyelids were drooping, blinks becoming longer and slower. Kaidan would be lying if he said he didn’t look paler than a few minutes ago.

            _He could be bleeding out for all I know._

            That was very true and he had no way of knowing without taking off his armor, but he couldn’t take it off just yet, not in the middle of a battlefield. It was too dangerous.

            _But it’s dangerous to not do anything, too._

            That was true and panic clawed at his chest because he didn’t know what to _do_ …

            Didn’t know how to help Shepard. Didn’t know if he should drag him away or keep him still, didn’t know if he should stay or go, draw the attention off the commander or make sure nothing else happened to him…

            He just didn’t know.

            He wasn’t aware his hands were shaking until gloved hands came around his own, capturing them. His gaze darted down to Shepard’s face again, at the barely parted blue eyes, the blue-tinged lips and the sweat dotted brow.

            “Help me up,” Shepard said, and despite everything else his voice was still steady. It chased away some of that darkness eating away at Kaidan’s mind, but he still shook his head.

            “No. You’re not doing anything.”

            _I won’t let you, not this time._

            He wasn’t going to take any chances. He was forced to sit back and watch as Shepard disappeared beneath the waves while hunting Leviathan. He didn’t stop it from happening then but he was damned if he was going to let Shepard slip away now, let him get up at all.

            “Kaidan,” Shepard’s voice was calm, placating. “I’m getting really tired.”

            The panic was back and his gripped Shepard’s hands in return, staring at him. “You can’t-”

            “Help me up.”

            “No!”

            “Kaidan…” this time there was a definite waver in Shepard’s voice, the way he stopped and drew in a shaky breath. “If you don’t help me up… I’m gonna sleep.”

            “Don’t sleep,” he said instantly.

            “Then help me up.”

            And Kaidan wanted to argue, wanted to do anything but move him, but there was that fear that Shepard was telling the truth, that he would sleep if he didn’t. Sleep could be deadly because he didn’t know the extent of his injuries, didn’t know if he was bleeding out right in front of him because of that damn armor, that damn armor that didn’t do its _job_ and _protect him_ …

            Before he knew what he was doing, he’d pulled Shepard toward him, wrapping the commander’s arm around the back of his neck, slowly lifting until the two were standing, quickly hobbling toward Garrus and his larger cover.

            “How is he?” Garrus asked.

            “Still here,” Shepard grunted, tossing him a small glare. “Cortez?”

            “He’s not answering,” Garrus said darkly, and Kaidan swallowed thickly.

            “Well, we can’t stay here,” he said.

            There was the _beep_ again and the wall around them exploded. Kaidan was struck by concrete and he twisted, slamming into the ground. For a moment he saw only a white haze, a ringing in his ears, head ablaze from the impact.

            A second later he was scrambling up because Shepard was a few feet away, and he _wasn’t moving_.

            _No._

            Kaidan went to his knees next to him, rolling him over. He wasn’t sure weather to laugh or sob at the look of pained irritation Shepard gave him, eyes blinking open almost as soon as Kaidan’s hands touched him.

            “I’m getting… really tired of those… damn rockets,” Shepard breathed, and then groaned as Kaidan helped him sit up.

            “I know, me took.”

            “Garrus?”

            Kaidan swallowed and looked around. He found the turian a few feet away, unconscious. He was torn between running to him and staying with Shepard.

            “Go,” Shepard said. “Just… help me up first.”

            He didn’t want to. He wanted to make sure the commander laid down like he _should have_ been, but he didn’t know what to do and that was a simple order to follow. As long as Shepard was awake and talking, they’d be fine. So he gritted his teeth and wrapped Shepard’s arm around his neck again, lifting until the two stood once more, and staggered toward Garrus’s prone form.

            _Be okay._

            Shepard pulled away, then, leaning against the wall as he nodded at Kaidan to keep going to Garrus.

            “Stay,” Kaidan said to him.

            _Stay there. Stay awake. Just stay._

            “Go,” Shepard said in response, arm wrapped carefully around his side, over that crack in the armor. “He needs you.”

            Kaidan swallowed and nodded. Before he moved to follow those orders, though, he couldn’t stop his hand from raising, slowly reaching toward Shepard’s face. The gloved fingers brushed against a pale cheek, wiped beads of sweat and blood away. Shepard’s smile was thin and frail but he finally managed to take a step away.

            And then he turned and moved toward Garrus.

            As he was rolling the turian over, his heart nearly stopped when he heard the telltale sounds of a biotic charge. A shot from an atlas flew past him, clearly forced off target.

            He spun around and Shepard was gone.

            _No._

            Ice. Ice in his veins.

            _He wouldn’t…_

            But there he was, staggering in front of the atlas, having used a charge to hit it. A part of Kaidan knew why Shepard deemed that necessary – acknowledged the fact that Shepard had probably just saved his life, and Garrus’s, by charging the atlas like that, taking its aim off of them. He didn’t even want to think of what would have happened at the atlas’s shot hit them.

            But a much larger part of him wanted to scream and shout and kill that bastard for doing this because _no_ …

            He watched as though in slow motion as Shepard staggered, both from exhaustion and his injuries, and the atlas rounded on him and readied its weapons. At that range it wouldn’t, couldn’t, miss and Shepard wouldn’t be able to withstand anything it did to him because he was already tired and hurt and _why_ …

            _I told you to stay!_ He wanted to shout until he was blue in the face. _I told you to stay!_

            Right before the atlas could fire, Shepard used a nova blast which not only staggered the atlas back a step, clearing damaging it, but it also left Shepard tripping as the rest of the energy drained from him and he went to his knees.

            And then he looked over at Kaidan.

            _Oh. God. No, don’t look at me like that._

            To anyone else he would simply exhausted, worn out, tired. He’d look like hell because he was hurt and bloody and everything he shouldn’t have been. To anyone else…

            But to Kaidan, he saw _it_.

            The drooping shoulders.

            The ghost of a smile, apologetic in nature.

            Shadows across that pale face, but also _relief_. He saw goddamn _relief_ on Shepard’s face despite the apologetic crease on his brow.

            And he saw the atlas step toward him.

            And he knew that face. That expression, what it meant, what it _all_ meant and he was running before he could stop himself, even as Shepard’s head shook back and forth, demanding that he stay put.

            _He’s saying goodbye._

            Shepard was giving up – admitting defeat, saying _goodbye_ to Kaidan with that goddamn expression and this was all so _wrong_.

            In his heart he knew he had no hope of stopping it. He couldn’t use a charge like Shepard, couldn’t get there fast enough to do anything, but that didn’t stop him from trying, because _no – stop – don’t-_

            “ _Ryan_ …”

            _Please no, don’t. Don’t, don’t, don’t._

            And like an answer to his prayers, the familiar Kodiak shuttle appeared behind the atlas, firing at it. It staggered and spun, shooting back at the shuttle but Cortez was an excellent pilot and managed to dodge easily enough because while powerful, the atlas’s guns were slow.

            And Kaidan made it to Shepard’s side.

            Lifted for all he was worth, drug the commander away from there, from that spot, back toward where he left Garrus. And he felt so horrible about leaving Garrus but he couldn’t… how…

            Another shuttle was on the ground near Garrus. James stood there, dragging the turian toward it and thank God Garrus was awake, unable to walk on his own but he was awake and alive and-

            “Kaidan…”

            He looked at Shepard, mostly leaning against him, body sagging in exhaustion. He kept one arm wound tightly around Shepard’s waist while his other hand kept that arm around his neck.

            Safety was in sight. The shuttle wasn’t far and they could leave this place and everything would be _fine_.

            His mind flashed back to that expression and if he held onto Shepard a little tighter, he’d never tell.

            “Jesus, Loco,” James commented as they approached him.

            Kaidan breathed out a shaky laugh. “He’s alive. He’s alive.”

            _Alive. Alive._

            And that was so much better than-

            James reached out to grab Shepard’s other arm, help him into the Kodiak. On some level Kaidan knew that was what he was trying to do, but at the moment, he couldn’t relinquish control, couldn’t hand him over. And if he growled at James until the lieutenant back off with a small frown, no one said anything about it.

            He got Shepard into the shuttle and James climbed into the front seat.

            “Get us out of here,” he breathed.

            James nodded. “You got it, Indigo.”

            Kaidan usually felt irritation at that name, given to him by James. James gave everyone nicknames, after all – Scars, Loco, Sparks… He gave him ‘Indigo’ because his armor was blue and his biotics made him blaze blue, and somehow it stuck. Usually he felt irritation at the name – he was never too fond of nicknames, except ‘K’ but only Shepard could call him that – but right now, all he felt was relief.

            James could call him that all he wanted if he just got them back to the Normandy.

            Meanwhile, Kaidan gently lay Shepard on the ground, the commander’s head in his lap. He touched a hand to the crack in the armor, applying as much pressure as he could. It would have to be enough until they got to the Normandy and got him out of that useless armor.

            Shepard’s eyes watched him through barely parted slits, his exhaustion evident. A gloved hand that was not his own shakily reached up and touched his face. Kaidan freed one hand from the side of the armor and caught that hand with his own.

            “Hurt?” Shepard asked.

            “I’m okay,” Kaidan said, swallowing thickly. It was true he hit his head and everything ached, but as long as Shepard wasn’t giving him _that_ look, he’d be just fine. “Worry about yourself.”

            Shepard smiled faintly. It was reminiscent of _that_ look, and Kaidan flinched despite himself. “Tha’s wha’ you’re here for…”

            _No. Don’t slur._

            Kaidan’s grip on that hand tightened, his only means of staying calm at the moment.

            “Stay with me,” he said quietly, so quietly he wasn’t sure if he even said them aloud until Shepard blinked in acknowledgement.

            “Not goin’ anywhere.”

            “Good,” Kaidan breathed, finally looking over at Garrus, who was off to the side, sitting on a bench more toward the front with James. “Are you okay?” he asked, raising his voice loud enough for the turian to hear him.

            Garrus looked back at him and nodded. “I’ll be fine,” he said. “Just got knocked out. Not as bad as the rocket, eh, Shepard?”

            Shepard breathed out a laugh and then groaned. “Garrus, don’ make me laugh.”

            “Well, since you have nothing for me to calibrate…”

            “I have to say, Loco,” James said from the front, “you sure know how to get into some crazy situations.”

            _Don’t remind me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James gives everyone nicknames, and since I either don't remember or never heard his nickname for Kaidan, I had him give him the nickname of Indigo.


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

 

Once back on the Normandy, they were all three taken to the med bay. Shepard was the worst off, as Kaidan knew he would be. His system was, as Dr. Chakwas said, fried yet again. Kaidan was checked out and allowed to leave along with Garrus fairly quickly. The next thing he knew he was being led to the war room to contact Hackett because, while Shepard was out of commission, it was his job to inform the man of anything and everything.

            It didn’t help that his last image of Shepard was of Dr. Chakwas carefully stripping off his armor. He’d been taken care of by Liara instead, who was helping Dr. Chakwas. She gave him something for his head and sent him on his way, saying he was ‘lucky’ because he wasn’t hurt more.

            _Yeah. Lucky._

            Lucky because he got to see that _look_.

            Lucky because he _failed_.

            Lucky because they all could have _died_.

            He wasn’t aware he was in the war room until Hackett was looking back at him, virtually speaking as the man wasn’t actually there. Kaidan swallowed, trying to find the words.

            “How was the mission?” Hackett asked. “I heard it was bad.”

            _Understatement of the goddamn year._

            “We were misinformed, sir,” he said as professionally as possible, but it was a little hard to care about diplomacy and the military when he kept seeing _that_ look in his head. “Cerberus was waiting for us. We barely escaped. No, we didn’t recover the artifact. We didn’t even make it into the building.”

            “I see,” Hackett said slowly, and Kaidan was familiar enough with the sound of disappointment that he recognized it when he heard it. Anger flared within him.

            “Look, we would have been able to get it if we’d gotten all the facts, _sir_. The Alliance dropped the ball.”

            And he never thought he would be bad mouthing the Alliance! He once told Shepard he was loyal to it, always had been and always would be because he was a soldier. Right now, though, he couldn’t care less about the military because they kept sending them into situations where they didn’t have all the facts.

            Check out a monastery? Oh, right. There are Ardat-Yakshi there, hope that’s okay.

            Take out a Reaper base? Oh, right. It’s an actual Reaper, have fun.

            Check out the outpost on Mars? Right… we forgot to mention the fact there’s maybe ancient Prothean information there that could help us and Cerberus might know about it as well… hope that’s not a problem.

            _Fuck that._

            “I understand you are angry, Major,” Hackett said calmly, “but we didn’t know Cerberus was waiting.”

            “What’s this artifact?” Kaidan asked.

            “We believe it might be a clue as to what Cerberus is working on, what they’re up to.”

            “And you really didn’t think Cerberus was there?” Kaidan echoed, shaking his head. “Whatever. I’m tired of being left out of the loop. Just… You didn’t see his face.”

            That last bit came out of nowhere, surprising Kaidan as well as Hackett.

            “Whose face?” Hackett asked.

            Kaidan swallowed and looked at the ground. “Shepard’s. It was…”

            Wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.

            Defeated.

            Apologetic.

            “He’s going to need time to recover,” Kaidan said.

            “Do we know how long?”

            Kaidan narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know, as long as it takes, sir. He needs a break. First his cybernetics were causing problems, and now-”

            “Cybernetics?” Hackett cut in with a frown. “I heard nothing about that.”

            _Why am I not surprised. It would be too easy for Shepard to tell you._

            “His body was trying to reject his cybernetics, sir,” he explained slowly. “Dr. Chakwas told him to keep the biotics offline for a bit, until he recovered, but then that thing with Leviathan happened and he didn’t listen. He was in med bay for a while and was released only after she told him not to use his biotics unless absolutely necessary, until everything went back to normal.”

            “It’s been two weeks,” Hackett said.

            “It has. But things take time and during those two weeks he hasn’t gotten to relax at all. We’re doing all these missions, sir, and… while I understand their necessity, I know they are taking a toll on the commander. And…” He took in a breath, released it slowly. “And now he’s been shot, and… we had to use our biotics for a sustained amount of time.”

            “I see,” Hackett said.

            “Look, I know Shepard’s useful to you,” Kaidan said quietly, “but he needs a break. We all do, actually. We’ve been going nonstop since this started, and… Sir, I think a break would be good for Shepard. And the crew.”

            “A break?”

            “Shore leave, sir.”

            “Shepard doesn’t really like shore leave, Major.”

            Kaidan took in a breath. “He won’t have a choice if you force him.”

            “Force him to take shore leave?”

            “I don’t like it either, but if that’s what it takes to get him to rest… You need him at his best, right? If so, are you really willing to risk it?”

            _Just listen to me, please._

            He knew that if they didn’t have a break… they would all burn out, Shepard especially. He’d already admitted once to Kaidan that he was tired, tired of this fight. All he kept thinking about now was that _relief_ on Shepard’s face when he had _that_ look, and it left him wanting to scream.

            _Don’t give up._

            “I’ll think it over, Major,” Hackett said.

            Kaidan sighed, knowing that was the best he was going to get. “Thank you, sir. I’d like to check on Shepard now, if that’s okay.”

            “Of course,” Hackett said with a nod. “Keep me posted. Hackett out.”

            The image flickered and died away and Kaidan fought the urge to collapse, scrubbing a hand over his face. Exhaustion weighed heavy in his muscles and it was surprisingly hard to walk out of the room, but he couldn’t rest yet.

            He had to check on Shepard.

 

Med bay was quiet, like it always was. The silence was as alarming as it was comforting. Kaidan entered to find Dr. Chakwas near the front of the room, sitting at her computer.

            “How is he?” he asked, standing next to her desk.

            “He lost a decent amount of blood,” she said truthfully, that knot reforming in Kaidan’s stomach, “and he overdid it with the biotics. He needs strict bed rest.”

            “He’ll never go for that,” Kaidan muttered, because he knew Shepard.

            Knew he wouldn’t just sit around while there was a war happening around them.

            Dr. Chakwas sighed. “I’m going to be honest with you.”

            _Why does that not sound good…_

            He nodded as she looked at him.

            “When I say he overdid it, I mean he _overdid it_. His system is fried. The wound made it worse, and he pushed himself past his limits and then some. Do you understand?”

            “I… I think so.”

            _It’s bad._

            Goddamn _idiot_. Never listened. _Never_ …

            “I recommend strict bed rest, but if nothing else, no more biotics for a while. His cybernetics are fragile right now – anything could set them off. His entire system is weak from doing too much.”

            “He won’t rest,” Kaidan said somewhat desperately, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do. He couldn’t make him rest – Shepard would just tire himself arguing with him, maybe even physically throwing him out of the room so Kaidan couldn’t insist he ‘rested’, which would do more harm than good. “What do I do?”

            “I’ve explained it to him, but he was rather groggy at the time. If he does not take my words seriously, the repercussions could be detrimental.”

            Kaidan nodded, feeling more trapped by the minute. “I asked Hackett for shore leave.”

            “That would help,” Dr. Chakwas agreed with a nod. “If he takes it, of course. The commander doesn’t like sitting idly by.”

            _He won’t have a choice._

            “He is back there,” Dr. Chakwas said, gesturing toward the back room. “He’s asleep right now, but you can sit with him if you want.”

            Kaidan wanted to. Wanted to go to him, make sure he was okay, but right now he needed to talk to Hackett again.

            “I will later,” he said as he turned and left the med bay.

            The elevator ride up to deck two gave him a brief moment to think. All his thoughts focused on _that_ look, though, on the doctor’s words. Despite the fact he’d already brought the matter up with Hackett, he needed to get the man to agree. If Hackett didn’t do this…

            _I could lose…_

            He shut that thought down before it even really formed and stepped out of the elevator.

            He walked through the security checkpoint and into the war room, where he quickly contacted Hackett. The man’s virtual body appeared almost instantly.

            “Major,” Hackett greeted, looking somewhat worried, “is something wrong?”

            “Chakwas said if Shepard doesn’t take a break he could…” There he trailed off and closed his eyes, taking in a slow breath. “Sir, I’m asking you as a friend, enforce shore leave. Otherwise…”

            “It’s that bad?” Hackett questioned.

            “Dr. Chakwas thinks so.”

            _And I believe her._

            “I see… Well, Major, I will see what I can do, but as you know, I can’t make any promises.”

            Kaidan nodded sharply. “I know. Just…”

            “I will see,” Hackett said again. “Hackett out.”

            The image disappeared.

            Kaidan leaned against the wall, slowly sliding toward the ground, his back against it as the exhaustion, the _defeat_ , finally set in.

            Almost like a kid, he pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, resting his shin atop his kneecaps as he blankly stared across the room, remember the days’ events.

            Everything that could have went wrong _did_ go wrong.

            _Murphy’s law. What can go wrong, will._

            He took in a breath.

            _Stupid, reckless asshole…_

 

“Is he crazy?” Shepard muttered, mostly to himself as the two sat in the bed they shared in Shepard’s cabin. He’d been released from med bay earlier that day but only after promising he’d stay in his cabin for the rest of the day and _rest_. Kaidan was there to make sure he did so.

            At first Shepard tried to go to the war room, get an update from Hackett, but Kaidan carefully grabbed his shoulders and steered him toward the elevator and up to the cabin. From there he forced him to sit on the bed, preferably lay down, and Shepard acquiesced only after demanding his laptop so he could at least check his messages.

            Kaidan agreed and here they were, sitting in bed together, a data pad in Kaidan’s hands while Shepard had his laptop.

            “Is who crazy?” Kaidan asked, glancing at the commander to find his face contorted into an expression of confused irritation.

            “Forced shore leave, really?” he muttered, and Kaidan stilled, stopping what he was doing on his data pad, carefully putting it down on the small table on his side of the bed, which was the bed’s right side while Shepard always stayed on the left.

            “Hackett?” Kaidan asked, wondering if the man really did do as he asked and send Shepard something demanding that he take shore leave for a while.

            “Yeah. He’s enforcing shore leave on me!” Shepard sounded absolutely appalled by the idea. “Like I can rest while there’s a goddamn war going on.” He shook his head and moved to reply to Hackett. Kaidan took action then, reaching over to capture the fingers of one of Shepard’s hands, leaving him unable to type out a response. Blue eyes snapped toward him inquisitively.

            “Maybe this is a good thing,” he said.

            “How could it possibly be good?” Shepard asked, staring at him in confusion. “He’s basically putting me in time out! Like it’s my fault that mission fell to hell.”

            Kaidan knew the vanguard blamed himself, though. He wouldn’t be Shepard if he didn’t.

            “Maybe he just thinks you… _we_ need a break. Everyone’s been working nonstop since this whole mess started.”

            Hesitation flickered briefly across Shepard’s face. “We don’t have time for-”

            “It would do the crew some good to get away for a bit, be normal people,” Kaidan said quietly, and while he knew it was a low blow, it did have the desired outcome.

            This time when Shepard’s shoulders drooped he knew he won the argument. Shepard could argue all he wanted but he’d never do anything to undermine his crew. If this was what the _crew_ needed, he would do it whether he wanted to or not. It was what made him an excellent commander and perfect for leading the war efforts, but it also made him a little easy to manipulate.

            Kaidan didn’t like manipulating him, but if it got him to take some time and rest…

            If it meant he didn’t have to see _that_ look again, he was perfectly fine with it.

            “Joker’s gonna hate this,” Shepard told him.

            “He’ll get over it,” Kaidan replied, giving those fingers a squeeze, still caught in his grasp. Shepard sighed and closed the laptop, putting it on the small table on his side of the bed. Then he turned and faced Kaidan, smiling at him.

            “I guess if they’re going to force shore leave on us, we might as well make the most of it, huh?”

            Kaidan nodded and smiled back. A second later Shepard was next to him, their bodies lightly brushing against each other, and soft, warm lips connected with his own.

 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

 

Shepard was given Anderson’s apartment to stay in while they were on their shore leave. Shore leave was supposed to last two weeks, for which Kaidan was grateful. That would definitely help and given every a little time to relax and be normal.

            The sentinel rode the elevator up to Anderson’s apartment, feeling the worry drain from his shoulders because this was really happening; Shepard was really taking a break and there would now be plenty of time to _rest_. Hackett really came through for him and he would have to remember to thank the man.

            The elevator opened and he walked down the hallway toward the front door of the apartment. It was very generous of Anderson to let them stay there during their shore leave – or, at least, let Shepard stay there. He very seriously doubted the man knew they were together. They hadn’t exactly told anyone except the crew, who seemed to know about it anyway, surprisingly. Kaidan honestly hadn’t thought anything had been that obvious, but apparently it was.

            The door opened before he had a chance to knock, and Shepard stood there, smiling at him. “You won’t believe what happened.”

            Kaidan blinked, momentarily confused but not worried. If it was something bad Shepard wouldn’t be smiling. “What?”

            Shepard responded by reaching out, snagging the front of Kaidan’s shirt, lightly pulling him into the apartment. Kaidan allowed himself to be pulled through the doorway, kicking the door shut behind him as Shepard captured his mouth with a kiss which left both them more than a little breathless.

            “Anderson just gave me this apartment,” Shepard replied as the two pulled apart.

            “Really?” Kaidan breathed, surprised.

            “He said I should have a place to call my own and that he didn’t think he’d be able to leave Earth. The more he’s there, the less he wants to leave.”

            “Makes sense, I guess.” Kaidan was sure that if he went back to Earth for a prolonged period of time he’d have a hard time leaving as well, not including with the war and everything. Earth was and would always be home, after all.

            “I don’t know what to do with this place, though,” Shepard said, nose scrunching up in confusion. “I’m not going to be here long enough to do anything with it.”

            “There will be time after the war,” Kaidan said, shrugging as he looked around at the large interior of the apartment. It had a balcony upstairs, plant life near the front door, and as he walked through it, he discovered several other rooms including a game room and a bar, and that was just downstairs.

            He wasn’t aware of the silence until it was all he heard. He looked back at where Shepard stood back toward the door where he left him, watching him calmly. Kaidan crossed the room back toward him, frowning as he thought of his last words and realized he recognized the expression Shepard wore – uncertainty.

            “Hey,” he said quietly, “we’ll get through this.”

            They had to, right?

            Otherwise what was the point?

            Shepard took in a breath and nodded. “I guess so.” He paused then. “Think the bar’s stocked?”

            Kaidan shrugged. “Only one way to find out.”

 

“We’ll have to get food,” Shepard sighed later that night as he looked through the refrigerator. There was barely anything in it except bottled water, things that would hold over time because Anderson probably didn’t get to stay here that often.

            Kaidan nodded. “We’ll do that in the morning. I’ll order a pizza.”

            After he’d ordered the pizza he joined Shepard upstairs in the main bedroom, where he found the man staring at the Jacuzzi in the bathroom. Kaidan himself was shocked at the sight, having rarely ever seen one and he’d never actually been in one before. He had the urge to do so now while they waited for the pizza, and carefully stepped closer to Shepard, winding an arm around his waist, pulling the commander backward until his back connected with Kaidan’s chest. Shepard didn’t fight him, instead leaned into him with a pleasant sigh.

            “This place is amazing,” Shepard said, almost in awe.

            “Yeah,” Kaidan breathed, mouth pressing faintly against the back of Shepard’s head, the short hair tickling his lips. “It is. What do you say we enjoy it?”

            “Enjoy it?” Shepard echoed like the thought never occurred to him, and Kaidan realized Shepard probably didn’t even know _how_ to relax. He was always on the movie, one mission to the next. The only downtime he got was when he was hurt.

            And he _was_ hurt. His wounds were mostly healed due to the miracles of modern medicine and it probably wouldn’t even scar, but his cybernetics were still fried. He still seemed far more tired than usual and that was even with Kaidan making sure he did as little as possible.

            Want food? He’d get that for him.

            Need to reach for something? Got it.

            Need to argue with the crew? It’s taken care of.

            All Shepard needed to worry about was resting and relaxing and enjoying their vacation. It might have been forced onto them but Kaidan hoped Shepard saw the benefits of it and managed to relax, at least a little. He needed to take the time to heal, to think about something other than the war and the uncertainty of their future.

            They could focus on the here and now instead.

            Kaidan lightly tugged at the fabric of Shepard’s custom uniform shirt. “What do you say we try the Jacuzzi?”

            “I like the way you think, Major.”

 

They ate pizza in bed and watched a few vids on the large screen across the room, hanging on the wall. The vids were stupid, humorous and absolutely meant nothing to either of them except that it let them relax. It reminded Kaidan of simpler times, of being a kid again and worrying about nothing but the present, and he hoped Shepard felt the same.

            They played cards as well, sitting on the bed comfortably. Actual beds in living places were far more comfortable than the beds on the Normandy, no matter how big Shepard’s cabin was. The bed there was still hard, not broken in while this bed was comfortable and soft. It reminded Kaidan of home.

            Briefly he thought of his parents. He missed them and wanted to know if they were okay, but they’d still only gotten word on his mom. His dad was still MIA but he was sure he’d turn up eventually. The man was nothing if not resilient, after all, a fellow Alliance soldier despite the fact he was retired now.

            Besides, that wasn’t what vacation was about. It wasn’t there to remind them of things in the past or the uncertainty of the future – it was there so they could enjoy the here and now, and right now he was there with Shepard.

            And in all honesty, he couldn’t be happier. Shepard was there with him, they were together, and the man was finally taking a moment to sit back and relax.

            “Kaidan.”

            He blinked, then, realizing he’d been quiet for a while, lost in his thoughts. He focused on Shepard and found the vanguard smiling at him, leaning back comfortably with his back against the headboard of the bed. Kaidan himself was at the foot of the bed, the cards between them.

            “Sorry,” he said. “It’s just… been a while since we got to relax.”

            Shepard nodded. “It has,” he agreed quietly. “I just wonder if…”

            “If what?”

            “Nothing. Never mind.”

            “Say it,” Kaidan urged.

            “It’s just… You ever feel like we’re running on borrowed time?”

            Kaidan frowned. “Borrowed time?” he echoed, watching as Shepard’s gaze averted downward, toward the bed.

            “Do you think we can afford to take shore leave?”

            “We don’t have a choice,” Kaidan said. “Hackett ordered us to take a break.”

            _And I’ll have to thank the man for that._

            Shepard could argue all he wanted but he’d never go against a direct order, especially if it was what the crew needed. Everyone could use a break at the moment, Shepard most of all.

            “I guess so,” Shepard murmured. “It’s just, with the war and everything… I kind of feel like I’m just sitting here doing nothing while people die.”

            Kaidan moved toward him, then, sitting next to him against the headboard. “The Normandy is getting some need repairs and everyone could use a break,” he said quietly, watching the commander who finally lifted his gaze from the bed toward Kaidan, blue eyes dark with uncertainty, and Kaidan hated seeing that look on his face. “Don’t think about the war. Just… relax, Ry.”

            Shepard took in a breath and released it slowly, giving into a small nod. “I’ll try,” he muttered. “But I make no promises.”

            “Trying is all that I ask.”

 

Kaidan woke the next morning to soft kisses trailing down the length of his body and then slowly back up again. He opened his eyes and was greeted with a kiss to the lips, arms immediately lifting to wrap around the warm, firm body hovering over him. He rolled them, then, until he was on top, looking down in bright blue eyes.

            “Good morning, K,” Shepard breathed, smiling somewhat sheepishly. “Did I wake you?”

            “You know you did,” Kaidan said with a quiet laugh, leaning his head down to capture those lips again. “You’ll have to do that more often.”

            Shepard’s mouth opened for him and he easily slipped his tongue inside as though that was where the muscle belonged in the first place. From there he soon found hands against his hips, firm yet gentle in their grasp, a feat only Shepard could manage. His own hands sought refuge of their own, one slipping around the back of Shepard’s neck, the other sliding down the smooth, muscled chest beneath him.

            And then they were rolling again, Shepard on top again, finally pulling away from their lengthy kiss to draw in a quick breath of air, smirking down at the sentinel.

            “I kind of want to do incredibly naughty things to you,” Shepard admitted with a grin, “but I also kind of want to just… stay here, like this.”

            Kaidan chuckled. “Indecisive. I like it.”

            Shepard laughed, voice rough and breathy more than anything else and Kaidan closed his eyes happily, wishing every morning could be like this. It couldn’t, though, because more often than not Shepard woke sometime before him and slipped away before he woke up. Kaidan often woke alone, either alone in the room or alone in the bed with Shepard at the desk on his laptop, forever checking his messages and updates from other members of his crew.

            So it was more than nice to be here like this, their bodies tangled together so closely it was hard to tell where he ended and Shepard began.

            But he found that was what he liked the most.

           

They were downstairs making an online shopping list sometime later when Shepard’s laptop _dinged_ , communicating that he got a message. Shepard slipped away from the comfort of the couch and walked into the kitchen, where the device rested on the countertop. He then walked back over to Kaidan and sat next to him again, their sides brushing as Kaidan extended an arm, resting it over the back of the couch behind Shepard’s shoulders.

            “Joker wants to have sushi with me,” Shepard said. “In that expensive restaurant no one can seem to get into.”

            “Well, he must have gotten a reservation,” Kaidan said. “Sounds upscale.”

            “As long as I don’t have to wear a tie,” Shepard muttered. “I hate dressing up.”

            Currently he wore blue jeans and white T-shirt, both found in the closet upstairs. Shepard and Anderson were around the same size and Shepard didn’t have many clothes other than the standard Alliance uniform. Kaidan would have to make sure he got some, though, because everyone needed their own clothes free from their work uniform. It helped give them an identity. He couldn’t help but feel that was something Shepard really needed.

            “Alright,” Kaidan said. “I guess we’re having sushi for dinner.”

            “We?” Shepard echoed, quirking a brow at him.

            “Well, yeah. What, you’re gonna leave me behind while you eat? That’s not very nice, Ry.”

            Shepard laughed. “I guess not. Alright then, let’s go.”

 

They arrived at the restaurant and found a large line of guests waiting outside. The doorman saw Shepard and gestured for him to enter. Shepard shared a look with Kaidan before the two walked forward and entered the fancy restaurant, looking around for Joker.

            They found him seated in the back with one empty chair. Clearly he thought Shepard was coming alone. Kaidan didn’t want to intrude but he had also vowed to himself not to let the man out of his sight and he’d failed too many times already. Besides, Joker knew they were together now, he should have expected this.

            “Commander,” Joker greeted. “Kaidan.”

            “Hey,” Shepard said as he pulled up another chair from another table, sitting down at their round table, next to Joker. Kaidan sat next to Shepard, across from Joker.

            “Did you see the line outside?” Joker asked with a laugh. “Only had to save the galaxy twice to get a table here. But here I am, drink in hand.” He lifted his drink with a quiet laugh. “Best pilot in the universe… and a rock star.”

            Kaidan couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him.

            _Rock star, huh?_

            Shepard shook his head, chuckling. “Any news from the Normandy?”

            _Straight to work, Shepard?_

            “Ah, you know, maintenance stuff,” Joker muttered unhappily. “Bunch of strangers are poking around on my ship. Er, _your_ ship.”

            “Best thing we can do now is let the techs do their work,” Shepard said, almost like he was convincing himself of that as well.

            “It’s a vacation,” Kaidan said.

            “Yeah, you’re right,” Joker sighed.

            “It’ll do the ship and everyone some good,” Kaidan said. “Trust me.”

            “I trust you,” Joker said, “just not so sure about those engineers. Always stealing the silverware.”

            “Why would they take the silverware?” Kaidan wanted to know.

            “Let someone else do the work for once,” Shepard said. “Hackett’s orders. We’re on shore leave.”

            Kaidan smirked, hoping Shepard actually meant what he said. He practically had to force the man to take a break, after all, and that was even with Hackett’s orders for a forced shore leave.

            “I may need a drink that comes with an umbrella,” Joker said, looking into his empty glass.

            “I’m the first human Spectre,” Shepard said with a semi-sly grin. “I’ll get you two umbrellas.”

            “Awesome use of power, boss,” Joker approved.

            Kaidan chuckled and shook his head. “I don’t think that’s what they meant when they made you Spectre.”

            “You’re the second human Spectre, Alenko. I demand that you follow my orders and get us even more umbrellas.”

            “Oh, is that a challenge?”

            Shepard grinned, a quick flash of teeth. “If that’s what it takes.”

            “Please get a room,” Joker said.

            Kaidan rolled his eyes and looked at him. “Well, we _were_ in a room before you interrupted us…”

            _“I_ interrupted you? You invited me.”

            Now Kaidan frowned, laughter dying away. “You sent Shepard a message telling him to meet you here.”

            “No,” Joker said slowly, frowning now as well, “I got a message from him and that’s why I’m here.”

            “So if neither of you sent the message…”

            A knot formed in Kaidan’s stomach.

            _Bad feeling about this._

            It was about that time a hyperactive, dark-skinned woman rushed toward their table. “Commander Shepard! I’m Staff Analyst Maya Brooks. Alliance. Um, excuse me.” She quickly saluted. “Alliance intelligence. There are people trying to kill you!”

            That knot grew larger and Kaidan quickly looked around but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, but that bad feeling just kept growing and growing.

            _Something’s not right._

            “I think the commander’s pretty aware of that,” Joker said.

            “No,” Brooks said, “not Cerberus or… Someone _new_. Someone is hacking your account. Comm channels, personal records… They’re targeting _you_ specifically.”

            “Why?” Kaidan demanded, narrowing his eyes at her. “Who? What do they want?”

            _Where are they?_

            “The intel isn’t definitive yet,” Brooks said, shaking her head. She told them what happened last time they didn’t have definitive intel, a story about landing on a gas giant, which was bad.

            “Hang on, take a breath,” Shepard said easily, calmly. “From the top. What do you know?”

            Her response was cut off by the sound of a voice echoing from across the room, causing everyone to look that way to see armed men entering the restaurant.

            “Good evening ladies and gentlemen,” said one of them. “Tonight’s entertainment is brought to you by random acts of violence.”

            Then the armed men began shooting through the place, up into the ceiling, through tables. Everything erupted into panic and chaos as people quickly ran away, out of the building. Shepard snagged Kaidan and Joker by the arms and pulled until they were hiding behind a fallen table, half around a corner. Brooks was a little further ahead, taking cover as well.

            _These must be the people after Shepard._

            “My pancreas,” Joker groaned as he held the crouched position. Kaidan knew it must be hurting him, what with his brittle bone disease and everything, but at the moment they had larger concerns.

            One of the armed men came by and snagged Brooks by her wrist, yanking her out of cover.

            “Dammit,” Shepard muttered. He looked at Joker and Kaidan. “Find the crew. I’m going after her.”

            _Like hell you are!_

            “With all due respect, I’m not going anywhere,” Kaidan said, glaring at him.

            “We don’t have time to argue,” Shepard snapped back quietly.

            “Exactly! So I’m going with you. Joker, go get the rest of the crew, tell them what’s happening.”

            Joker looked torn but after a harsh glare from Kaidan, he finally began scrambling away.

            One of the armed men appeared over the top of the table they were hiding behind, aiming at Joker’s retreating back. Shepard grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pulled him over the table, onto the ground between them, where his fist then glowed blue as he punched the man, knocking him out cold. He picked up the pistol the man dropped even as Joker turned back toward them.

            “You used me as bait?” he asked incredulously.

            “Go,” Shepard demanded.

            And then Shepard was moving forward. Kaidan didn’t have a weapon but he followed after him anyway. He could still use his biotics, after all. Those could be pretty damn lethal on their own.

            Brooks was on the other side of the restaurant now, being held captive by two of the armed men while the others spread out across the room, searching for Shepard. Shepard easily took a few of them out with that pistol he picked up from that downed guy. The weapon was powerful and had a silencer on it. Kaidan couldn’t help but wonder how they got it, but he couldn’t think about that now.

            He followed Shepard through the chaos, using reave and lift whenever he needed to do so while Shepard easily reloaded his gun. They could see Brooks now, and the two holding her hostage. Shepard’s brow creased then, and Kaidan knew what he was thinking.

            “Don’t,” he snapped. “No biotics, dammit.”

            He could see how using a biotic charge would get him to Brooks that much quicker, but it could do major damage to Shepard in the process, too. His cybernetics were unstable, his system still fried. He was under strict orders to _not_ use his biotics and Kaidan was going to make sure he followed those orders to the letter.

            He used lift on the men around Brooks as Shepard shot at them with the pistol. The two vaulted from their cover and finally made it to Brooks’ side. Kaidan helped her up while Shepard shot at a few more of the armed men across the away, covering them.

            And then a red beam landed on Shepard’s chest. Shepard looked down at it slowly, realization dawning across his features.

            _A sniper._

            Kaidan moved without thinking, tearing away from Brooks and knocking into Shepard.

            There was pain, immediate and swift in his side.

            He hit the ground, then, and found himself oddly breathless, unable to move. Everything ached and his limbs felt so incredibly heavy.

            “ _Kaidan_!”

            He blinked his eyes open, vision blurred but even so, he watched almost in slow motion as the ground beneath Shepard gave way. Shepard’s eyes connected with his own for one brief moment, relief and shock present in them, before gravity tugged him down, through the broken floor, out of the goddamn building.

            “ _Ry-an,”_ he managed to cry out, pain nearly silencing him in the middle of the word as he struggled to crawl toward the broken floor, where Shepard disappeared.

            Hands grabbed him, pulled him back. The orange glow of an omni-tool obscured his blurred vision.

            _Ryan. Shepard, no._

            Everything went dark, his sight that of Brooks administering medi-gel.

 

 


	4. Chaper Four

Chapter Four

 

Kaidan’s return to consciousness was anything but gradual. One second he was unconscious, the next he was awake, struggling to sit up as adrenaline rushed his system, his last thoughts that of a fight. He didn’t know where he was until he saw the hole in the floor and struggled over to it despite the hands grabbing at him, trying to hold him back.

            “Kaidan,” a familiar voice said, but it was _wrong_ , “stop.”

            He continued his slow crawl until he was at the edge of the broken fish tank which had been the restaurant’s floor. Looking through the hole he saw nothing but a long plummet with shattered lights and glass, evidence of a fall, someone struggling to hold on but in the end their efforts were futile.

            _Shepard fell._

            And it was a long damn drop. He couldn’t even see the ground from where he was. Kaidan stared at the drop, hands grabbing at his shoulders, pulling him away from the edge.

            “Kaidan.”

            _He fell._

            “Kaidan?”

            _He’s gone._

            That thought left him all but crumpling to the ground, the fight leaving him as he let those hands pull all they wanted. Hands cupped his fast, twisting his head but he just closed his eyes. He didn’t need to see the person’s face to know it was wrong. The voice was wrong, the hands were wrong, everything was just _wrong_.

            “How is he?” another voice asked, but that voice was wrong, too.

            Would never be right, he realized. Would never be right again because Shepard was _gone_.

            _No one could survive that fall._

            Not with all those windows broken. So much glass, such a long drop… it would take a miracle to survive it and while Kaidan prayed for Shepard’s safety more than anything else, a part of him knew it was too much to ask. The universe could only give him back so many times before it permanently took him away.

            And Kaidan had so many chances. The destruction of the first Normandy – he got him back. The aftermath of leaving Earth – he got him back. Rannoch – he got him back. Hunting Leviathan – he got him back.

            That blown mission from hell. He got him.

            Now, though…

            He’d failed one too many times and now there was no way to fix it, no way to take back everything he’d done wrong. No way to make it right.

            No way to _save him_.

            “Kaidan, look at me.”

            The words were simple, an order he could easily follow. He opened his eyes and looked at Liara as she sat there in front of him, hands cupping his face. The unshed tears in her eyes confirmed everything and he closed his eyes again.

            “He’s gone.” The words felt like betrayal coming out of his mouth.

            “They’re… They’re looking for him,” Liara said quietly. “Trying to contact him. So far…”

            _No luck._

            _He’d answer if he could. If he was awake. Alive._

            Kaidan knew this. Shepard would always answer as long as he was able to do so. It was part of what Kaidan loved about him.

            _Was_.

            Past tense. It was all past tense now, wasn’t it?

            “You’ll be okay,” Liara said, as if he cared about the fact he’d gotten shot. “The wound wasn’t too bad but you did lose a lot of blood. Brooks used medi-gel, though. Saved your life.”

            _Saved my life._

            Was he supposed to be grateful?

            _Should have saved his. Not mine._

            _It’s your fault. It’s your fault he’s gone. You did this._

            And he knew that was true. He was the one to push him out of the way, onto the unstable glass of the fish tank floor, and whoever came up with that idea was stupid. But he was the one to push him over there. He was the one to watch him fall, watch him slip away even as all Shepard worried about was him, could see that much in his eyes, the sound of his voice…

            _“Kaidan!”_

            _I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I failed again._

            His fault Shepard wasn’t there right now. His fault in so many ways because he pushed him, wouldn’t let him use his biotics, told Hackett to force this shore leave on them…

            All his fault.

            _“There’s time,”_ he once told Shepard.

            _Out of time now. Wasted it. I’m sorry._

            So sorry. He’d take it all back if he could, get Hackett to not agree to shore leave because then maybe they wouldn’t have been here in the _first place_ and he wouldn’t have pushed him like that, pushed him onto unstable ground…

            _I’m so sorry… Not fair._

            None of this was _fair_. Kaidan messed up, not Shepard. Not _Ryan_.

            “I’ve got him!” came an enthusiastic voice, and Kaidan’s gaze snapped toward the sound of it to find Brooks sitting off to the side, omni-tool at the ready.

            _Got him?_

            Shepard? She’d contacted Shepard?

            “Commander, are you all right?” Brooks was asking as Kaidan pushed himself to his feet, brushing Liara off of him as he walked toward her.

            “Fine,” came the barely audible voice, but it was _his_.

            _He’s alive. He’s alive._

            He somehow survived that fall and it took all Kaidan had not to collapse to the ground in _relief_ because he was _okay_ …

            _I didn’t fail._

            Well, not as much as he thought he did. He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself as he listened to Brooks speak with Shepard. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but was cut off by Liara’s hands around his arms, pulling him away.

            “Dr. Chakwas should see you,” she was saying but he didn’t care about that.

            “Shepard-”

            “We’ll get him,” she said. “But you’re not looking very well, Kaidan.”

            _I don’t care. I’m going._

            “I’m going with you,” he growled, ripping free of her grip. “And you’re not stopping me.”

 

“Shepard, can you hear me?” he asked ten minutes later, down in the lower levels of the strip, searching for that shuttle place Brooks mentioned Shepard was trying to get to. He was still trying to get over the fact Shepard was even _alive_ after a fall like that.

            “Kaidan,” Shepard responded, voice loud and clear and all those knots in his muscles and stomach loosened, allowing him to breathe. “You’re okay. I’m glad.”

            “I got medi-gel,” Kaidan replied. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

            _More than good. You have no idea…_

            He swallowed thickly, remembering those few moments when he thought he’d failed, when he was sure Shepard was dead because of that drop… and the lack of communication…

            “Are you okay?” he asked, and if his voice shook a little, neither of them mentioned it.

            “I’m fine,” Shepard said, but there was a lilt to his voice that left Kaidan uncertain. Shepard didn’t know the meaning of the word, after all. “Might need a little help, though.”

            _He’s actually admitting this…_

            That meant it wasn’t good, Kaidan knew. Shepard never asked for help.

            “I’m on foot,” he said. “But not far.”

            _I hope I’m not, anyway._

            “You’re putting Commander Shepard in danger,” Brooks said through the comm link. He didn’t even realize she could hear them until then.

            “Easy, Brooks,” Shepard said. “Kaidan’s fine. Everybody play nice.”

            Kaidan took in a breath, nodding even though he knew Shepard couldn’t see him. “I’m not far,” he said again, quieter this time, “so just…”

            “I’ll be careful,” Shepard promised.

            “Good. I’d hate to have come all this way for nothing.”

            “Shit…” Shepard muttered through the link, and Kaidan stilled. He wasn’t too far from the sky shuttle place, making good time. He hoped Shepard was almost there too.

            “Shepard?”

            “Gotta take care of this.”

            Then the link faded with gunfire. Kaidan took in a breath, deep and slow, trying to calm himself. Shepard was fine, as he kept telling himself. If he managed to survive that damn _fall_ , he could survive this.

            And Kaidan was close to him. He’d get to him. He’d-

            There was the distinctive sound of a high-pitched alarm ringing through the air. Kaidan stiffened because he knew only one person could have caused that, would have caused that in this emergency lockdown the strip had going at the moment.

            “Shepard, what are you doing?” he growled into the comm link. “I heard that from here!”

            _Are you crazy?_

            “It’s all under control,” Shepard said.

            _Like hell it is!_

            “Are you crazy?”

            “Thought I’d make things more interesting,” Shepard said.

            “You thought you’d..!” He took in a breath. “What do we know about these mercenaries?”

            “They have guns and don’t like me,” Shepard replied.

            _Could you please take this more seriously?_

            He already saw him fall through the damn floor. That was bad enough and it was an experience he wished never to repeat.

            “Very helpful,” he muttered. “Thanks.”

            “Commander,” Brooks said, “it would really be great if you could stay off the comm.”

            “Hey,” Shepard said somewhat petulantly, “he contacted me. Jesus!”

            “What?” Kaidan asked. “What’s happening?”

            “How many goddamn grenades do they have to throw at once?”

            _Grenades. Great._

            As if this wasn’t bad enough already.

            “Just get to the sky car lot,” Kaidan said. “I’ll be there.”

            _Just get there. Meet me._

            Then Kaidan could see for himself that he was okay, that he was alive, that-

            “Doing my best,” Shepard grunted. “But they _really_ don’t like me. I don’t know who I pissed off but it must have been bad to go through so much trouble.”

            Kaidan silently agreed. To attack Shepard on the Citadel, one of the supposed safest places, with heightened security since the Coup attempt… that took a lot of guts, and it must have been someone influential and powerful.

            _We’ll deal with that later. At the apartment. Where it’s safe._

            Where it was safe and he could make sure everything was really okay, dammit.

            He pushed onward and hoped Shepard was doing the same on his end. The comm link remained quiet and he hoped that meant Shepard was focusing, and not that he was-

            _No. Don’t think about that._

            He took in a breath and rounded a corner to see three guys standing there, discussing how they could have failed so horribly. They said things like the fact that Shepard was somehow still alive despite the fact he’d been unarmed when they first attacked him. Kaidan felt a rush of pride for his commander, his… what? Boyfriend? His _Ryan_. Felt a rush of pride but also a rush of fear and anger because Shepard was still in danger and these were some of the people who were trying to eliminate him.

            _Eliminate him._

            And Kaidan wouldn’t stand for that, dammit.

            He wasn’t aware he was using his abilities until those men were dead on the ground. He didn’t like killing with his biotics – it always reminded him of his days at BAaT and how Rahna looked at him afterward, but dammit, they were trying to kill Shepard. They were responsible for those few moments when he thought for sure Shepard was _gone_ , and the rage that filled him wasn’t to be tamed.

            Instead he eliminated them.

            And then there came Shepard, walking around the corner like nothing was wrong, pistol held lightly in his grip. And Kaidan felt weak with relief but he somehow managed to walk toward Shepard. Blue eyes latched onto his, chasing away those memories of a similar moment before the commander plummeted downward due to gravity.

            Their reunion was brief and short-lived but Kaidan wouldn’t trade it for anything. Their lips collided very briefly, a simple touch to assure themselves they were both very much alive, and Kaidan’s hands grasped firmly to Shepard’s shoulders, holding him steady as he looked him over. The red blood stood out on the white T-shirt beneath the leather black and red jacket, stained the shirt, stained the blue jeans.

            He was hurt, but there wasn’t time to assess all the damage. Shepard’s arm wrapped briefly around his middle as he took in a slow breath.

            “You have no idea how glad I am to see you,” he said. “I’m out of ammo.”

            Kaidan narrowed his eyes. “You didn’t use your biotics, did you?”

            _You better goddamn not have._

            He was already hurt – he couldn’t risk-

            Shepard smiled sheepishly. “I might have sort of used a charge to escape a few grenades. And a nova. But I’m fine.”

            “No,” Kaidan breathed, chest tight and mouth dry, “you’re not.”

            He really wasn’t. He was favoring one side, he was covered in blood, and despite the brightness in his eyes his face was pale and his breaths weren’t exactly as Kaidan remembered. They were semi-shaky, evidence of his fatigue and pain, and all he wanted right then was to get them the hell out of there.

            So he shoved those thoughts and worries down. He could worry about it later but right now he just wanted to get them out of there before anything else happened.

            “There’s a landing pad over there but it’s behind a locked gate,” he said, pointing.

            “Well,” Shepard breathed, “we’ll have to find a control panel.” And then he brushed past him, heading in the direction Kaidan gestured.

            And Kaidan watched him for a moment.

            “You look like hell,” he said, causing Shepard to stop and look back at him.

            “Thanks, K,” he drawled. “You always say the nicest things to me.”

            Kaidan shook his head. “Control panel. Right.”

            And then they walked together toward the area Kaidan mentioned. Shepard eyed the door for a moment before looking at his gun, which he’d previously said was empty. If he was going to shoot his way in, Kaidan would give him his own pistol. But movement beyond the glass window caught his eye and he reached a hand out, lightly grasping Shepard’s wrist.

            “Wait a minute,” he said before he knocked lightly against the glass. “Can you open the gate, please?”

            There was a small pause but then the gates opened and Kaidan tossed a semi-smug look at Shepard, who rolled his eyes.

            “I could have done that,” he said.

            “Yeah, but you didn’t. C’mon – let’s get out of here.”

            _Get out of here so I can look you over, you reckless idiot._

            They walked through the now open gate and found a C-Sec shuttle waiting for them. Kaidan could finally breathe again because they could get out of here and everything would be _fine_.

            But then the shuttle door opened to reveal more of those armed men, all aiming their weapons at Shepard.

            _Son of a-_

            Shepard grabbed Kaidan by the arms, tossing him in the direction of cover. Kaidan would have complained but Shepard followed him over just as the armed men started firing. The bullets whizzed past them and the two shared a look.

            Shepard was out of ammo – he would use his biotics, Kaidan knew. And he couldn’t let him do that.

            They were outnumbered, outgunned, and-

            “Commander!”

            The voice was familiar and they both looked up to see James up in the rafters, holding a powerful gun. With one shot of it all the men inside the shuttle died and the shuttle fell to the ground, half on fire. Shepard eased out of cover to check the body of one of the dead gunmen.

            Kaidan followed after him as James joined them on the ground, but without that gun. If it was the gun Kaidan thought it was, it only ever held one shot.

            It served them well, though.

            “Here, Loco,” James said, handing a rifle to Shepard, who nodded in thanks.

            “We’ve got company,” Kaidan said, watching as people appeared behind them.

            “Joker’s on his way,” James told them, and Kaidan nodded.

            They just had to hold out for a few minutes. They could do this.

            His mind flashed back briefly toward that mission gone wrong, when Cortez said they had to wait five minutes and it felt like an eternity. Everything went to hell after that. He wouldn’t let it happen this time, he vowed to himself as he kept a firm eye on where Shepard was at all times.

            Thankfully Joker arrived quickly enough and they all hurried into the shuttle, gunfire chasing after them from the remaining gunmen.

            “Where to?” Joker asked.

            “Apartment,” Shepard breathed, sitting heavily on one of the bench seats next to Kaidan. “Then go get the others. We need to talk.”

            “Aye, aye, Commander.”

 


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

 

Joker dropped Kaidan and Shepard off at Shepard’s new apartment before he left to get the others, and pick up Brooks who Shepard thought would be useful in answering their questions. She seemed to know about it before hand, after all, at least enough to know that she came to warn them.

            But honestly Kaidan didn’t care about that at the moment. Instead, the moment that door closed behind them, he was reaching for Shepard, easing him out of that jacket so he could see his injuries. He knew he wouldn’t like what he found, and Shepard used his biotics which wasn’t good, but he needed to see it for himself. See the extent of the damage.

            _See how close I came to losing…_

            “Sorry,” he apologized when Shepard winced, finally pulling the jacket free. He tossed it aside with an odd sense of detached disdain and looked back at Shepard and the ruined T-shirt.

            There was blood covering his middle and his sides, the stains leaning downward into his jeans. Kaidan was reaching for the hem of his shirt before he knew what he was doing, anxiously lifting, needing to _see_ …

            The cut looked ugly and jagged but had long since stopped bleeding. It was barely clotted, though, and the edges of it were red and raw. Infection, probably. He fell out of a goddamn building, after all, through the fish tank floors, of course there was going to be infection. He was Shepard, after all – why the hell would anything be _easy_?

            He led Shepard upstairs into the bedroom they stayed in the night before. Jesus, had it only been a day?

            “Sit,” he ordered, gesturing at the bed. Thankfully Shepard didn’t argue with him, more exhausted than he let on. He all but collapsed onto it with a heavy sigh as Kaidan turned and looked for antiseptic and an old fashioned med kit. The omni-tool was great at stopping bleeding, but did little to stop infection and whatnot.

            He breathed a sigh of relief when he found one in the cabinet under the sink, pulling it out before he went back to Shepard who sat on the bed, back against the headboard as it if was too much of a strain to keep himself upright physically.

            Kaidan swallowed and told him to take his shirt off. Shepard sighed and did as he asked, and Kaidan tried to ignore the shakiness of his movements, the trembling of his hands as he did so. He sat in front of Shepard then, glaring at that goddamn stomach wound which had obviously been made from the glass during his fall.

            _The fall that should have killed him._

            He didn’t want to think about it, though. Didn’t want to think about how close he came to losing what he’d had for only a little while, for only a little over two goddamn weeks.

            “Kaidan.” Shepard’s hands grasped at Kaidan’s own. Kaidan didn’t realize his own hands were trembling until those blood-stained fingers wrapped around them. “Kaidan, hey, look at me.”

            He took in a slow breath and brought his gaze up to meet Shepard’s eyes.

            “I’m okay,” Shepard said quietly. “You’re okay. It’s okay.”

            “It’s not okay,” Kaidan all but choked, because he came so goddamn _close_ …

            Shepard snagged one of Kaidan’s hands, dragging it toward him. Kaidan allowed the movement, unable to deny Shepard anything at the moment. He could ask Kaidan to do anything right now and he’d agree, anything except leave because he couldn’t, wouldn’t…

            Shepard placed Kaidan’s chest over his chest, over his heart. The steady _thud-thud_ was reassuring in a way nothing else could compare, and Kaidan felt his resolve crumble away as he released a shaky breath, all that pent up worry finally tumbling out.

            “It would have been my fault,” he said quietly, voice rough.

            “What would have been?” Shepard asked, frowning at him.

            Kaidan shifted a little closer, eying the wound. “If you… If you _died_. It would have been _my fault_ …”

            “How so?”

            And leave it to Shepard to sound _confused_.

            “Because I… I pushed you aside.” He took in a slow breath. “I told Hackett to enforce shore leave.”

            There was a long silence, then, as his confession filled the air.

            “You… what?” Shepard asked, eyes narrowing somewhat. His hand twitched, then, pulling away from Kaidan’s own and at the moment he couldn’t allow that to happen, needed to keep that connection a little longer.

            So he held tight to that hand, his other hand still hovering over Shepard’s chest, the beat of his heart calming him enough he could think clearly.

            “You were… You were burning yourself out,” he said softly, hoping Shepard understood but if he didn’t, that was okay because it was all a mistake anyway. It would have been _his fault_ … “I couldn’t… I had to do something. So I… I told him to enforce shore leave so you’d _rest_.”

            “Kaidan, what the hell?”

            “I was worried about you!” Kaidan snapped, glaring at him, watching as Shepard snapped his mouth shut. “I did it for you! Only for you!”

            “Kaidan…”

            “You were burning yourself out. Doc said… She said it could kill you, if you didn’t stop. And… And I know there’s a war going on and you don’t like shore leave, but, Ryan… I had to do _something_.”

            He wouldn’t apologize for that. He wouldn’t apologize for wanting Shepard to rest. Was that really so much to ask?

            “That wasn’t your call to make,” Shepard said.

            “I care about you, you idiot,” Kaidan all but growled, tightening his hold on that hand until Shepard nearly winced, “that makes it my call. I did it for _you_ , Ryan, only for you. Don’t you see? You needed it.”

            _And was it really so bad?_

            That first day… Kaidan remembered the Jacuzzi, the pizza, watching those stupid vids and playing cards… waking to find Shepard hovering over him…

            “We can argue later,” Kaidan said. “Right now, just… Just let me clean you up.”

            _Let me fix this._

            He reached for the med kit then, taking his hand away from Shepard’s chest, immediately missing the calming effect of the _thud-thud_. He opened the little white kit and pulled out the antiseptic which he dabbed onto a wash cloth.

            “This is gonna sting.”

            Shepard took in a breath and nodded, steeling himself. Kaidan began cleaning the wound, Shepard squeezing the hell out of that one hand Kaidan still held captive. A few minutes later it was over and Shepard relaxed against the head board, grip going slack in Kaidan’s as he tossed the cloth aside.

            He snapped his gaze back toward Shepard and found tired blue eyes watching him.

            “Are you mad at me?” he asked quietly, putting the kit aside, sliding a little closer to Shepard.

            Shepard sighed and slowly shook his head. “Could never be mad at you, K,” he said, voice so honest Kaidan couldn’t help but breathe out a quick laugh.

            “We make quite the pair, huh?”

            “I’m okay with that,” Shepard replied. He sank down the head board then, finally laying down. He patted the bed next to him, watching Kaidan. “Lay with me, K.”

            Kaidan swallowed. “The others…”

            “They can wait.”

            Shepard’s free hand grabbed at his wrist, lightly pulling, tugging him downward.

            “Jus’ wanna… be with you for… a minute…”

            The exhaustion was clear in his words, his voice, and the way he seemed to be having a hard time keeping his eyes open. Kaidan swallowed, wondering if it was okay for him to sleep.

            _I’ll stay with him._

            He would lay with him like Shepard wanted, and keep an eye on him. If anything happened he didn’t like…

            _I’ll sick Chakwas on you._

            So he crawled over and lay down next to Shepard, still holding that one hand captive. The warmth and strength behind it left him feeling calmer than he would have been otherwise.

            “Glad you’re okay,” Shepard breathed sleepily, and Kaidan glanced over to find his eyes fluttering closed.

            “You too,” he whispered back, but Shepard was already asleep. He watched his face go slack, watched those worry lines disappear, watched that peacefulness settle in. He rolled over toward him somewhat and place a soft, gentle kiss to those lips before he lay back down, sighing heavily.

            _Never do that again, Shepard._

            _Thought I lost you…_

 

Kaidan didn’t sleep. Instead he merely lay awake, mostly staring up at the ceiling, unconsciously counting the breaths of the man next to him. He knew Joker would be back soon and he’d have to get up and let him into the apartment, but a part of him hoped the pilot would take his time. He had no desire to move in any way. The bed beneath him was soft and comfortable, and here he could reassure himself of Shepard’s presence in a way he couldn’t in any other room at the moment.

            He’d never felt the need to do such a thing before, but after all that had happened, all the doubts and worries… It felt more than a little necessary. He didn’t fight the urge because there was no reason to do so. At the moment he could lay here all he wanted, fingers lightly grasping Shepard’s wrist, that pulse steady beneath his fingertips.

            Even so, someone was trying to kill Shepard and they’d very nearly succeeded, thanks to Kaidan. Who wanted to kill him? Brooks said it wasn’t Cerberus or the Reapers but someone _new_. Other people. New people. But Kaidan couldn’t figure out _who_ would want to kill the man because why would they? Shepard was leading the war against the Reapers – killing him would greatly hinder the war efforts. The war would suffer for it.

            So why…?

            It didn’t really matter, though, because Kaidan wouldn’t let it happen. He’d failed too many times, been careless too many times, and he couldn’t let it happen again. He tightened his grasp on that wrist as he took in a deep breath.

            _I won’t fail again._

            There was the distinctive sound of someone knocking on the door downstairs. It was faint but this place kind of echoed. It was a lot harder than it should have been to release Shepard’s wrist and crawl out of bed. He left the room and wandered downstairs, prying open the door to the apartment to find everyone there.

            And he meant _everyone_.

            Joker, EDI, Garrus, Tali, James, Cortez, Liara… _everyone_.

            He stood back as the group entered the apartment.

            “Shepard’s asleep,” he said.

            “Better wake him up,” Joker said. “He’s the only one who can tell us what happened after he fell.”

            _After he fell._

            Kaidan took in a breath and nodded despite the fact he wanted to tell them to let the man sleep. He’d been injured, after all, and he used biotics when he really _shouldn’t have_ , but there was a part of him that wanted an answer to that, too.

            Not that he wasn’t grateful he was alive, because he was, it was just… he did have questions. Plus they really needed Shepard if they were going to figure any of this out. Shepard would also be pissed at him if he didn’t wake him up.

            Kaidan walked upstairs while the group gathered in the kitchen and the living room. He entered the bedroom and quietly approached the bed where Shepard lay exactly as he had been, minus Kaidan holding onto him.

            Kaidan circled around and sat on his side of the bed, carefully reaching over to shake Shepard’s shoulder. Normally Shepard was a very light sleeper – one had to be in their line of work, after all – but this time it took several good shakes and Kaidan calling his name before those blue eyes blinked open. Kaidan knew the commander had to be exhausted, his systems probably fried once again, and he really needed to call Dr. Chakwas…

            Right now, though, he was here for a reason.

            “The others are here,” he said quietly.

            Shepard blinked at him, slowly focusing, before he nodded and pushed his elbows under him, leveraging himself up. Kaidan fought the urge to help, knowing it wouldn’t be appreciated. Shepard either didn’t like appearing weak or he just simply wasn’t used to people caring; honestly, Kaidan could believe either one.

            Oh, people cared – they cared about Commander Shepard and his efforts in the war, but Kaidan was beginning to realize just how alone Shepard – _Ryan_ – must have been this whole time without any of them really noticing. He was happy he could at least be there to reassure the commander that he was _human_ , just like the rest of them, even if it was figuratively speaking for the aliens on their crew.

            _Jerks and saints. More human._

            Shepard reached for his torn white T-shirt and Kaidan slapped his hands away, shaking his head. He stood, then, walking over toward the closet across the room, where he pulled out a gray T-shirt and another pair of blue jeans.

            “You should really get out of those,” he said.

            _You really should shower… you might feel better then._

            Except they didn’t have time for that at the moment. Not with the others waiting for them downstairs. Kaidan realized he didn’t regret his decision to make Shepard sleep instead of showering – he could clean up whenever, but sleep… resting… that was what mattered.

            “Thanks,” Shepard said quietly, grabbing the offered clothing before he stood and stripped of his jeans. It only made the wounds that much more visible in Kaidan’s opinion, all those little cuts he hadn’t noticed before, each reminding him how close he could have been to losing the man.

            He looked away, not in an effort to grant privacy, he realize, but simply so he wouldn’t have to see those cuts and wounds. Shepard hadn’t been given medi-gel like he had. He’d have to administer his own and heal those cuts before they became further infected but at the moment he didn’t have any medi-gel on him.

            What a horrible sentinel he was, he thought. It was his job to be the field medic and yet here he was, unable to heal his… his… _Ryan_.

            The sound of Shepard moving toward him had him lifting his gaze to meet those blue eyes he’d grown rather fond of. Shepard’s smile was weak but honest and Kaidan found himself returning it.

            “We’ll get through this,” Shepard said.

            Kaidan shook his head. “Aren’t I supposed to be saying that to you?”

            “You did,” Shepard said, arms sliding easily around Kaidan’s waist as if they’d always been there. Kaidan wrapped his own arms around the back of Shepard’s neck, leaning his head in for a lingering kiss.

            “I love you,” Kaidan murmured, resting his forehead against Shepard’s.

            Shepard sighed and pulled him a little closer, their chests touching. “I know,” he said quietly, and in those two words Kaidan heard volumes.

            Things like:

            _I love you._

_I just can’t say it right now._

            And so much more. Kaidan could wait, though, to actually hear the words but he honestly didn’t need to. Shepard’s actions said so much more than his words ever could and they told him that the commander did feel the same, did love him back even if he didn’t say it.

            Shepard was the first to pull away. Kaidan sighed and let his hands drop to his side.

            “We should go,” Shepard said quietly, and Kaidan nodded.

            He’d come up here to tell him the others were downstairs, after all.

            Now wasn’t the time for… well, anything other than answers.

            “Let’s go,” Kaidan said, nodding his head at the doorway. Shepard nodded and led the way, Kaidan right behind him.

 


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six

 

Some guy named Khan wound up being the person who sold the mastermind the gun Shepard picked up. The voices were distorted but clearly these were the ones involved, and the group vowed to get to the bottom of this. Kaidan himself wondered why anyone would go through so much trouble to kill Shepard. He’d known the man for a while – years – and he couldn’t think of who would go through this much trouble and risk so much.

            The only way into the party Khan was hosting, though, was to dress up for the occasion. Three of them could go – Shepard and two others. Kaidan was relieved Shepard picked him despite the fact he himself didn’t like dressing up as much as Shepard hated it. He would be damned if he let the man go here alone, though. Brooks also came with them since Tali and EDI would probably be noticed if they were the ones sneaking through the vents so they could get Khan in his panic room and interrogate him.

            Kaidan was looking forward to getting to the bottom of this. He was looking forward to putting it behind them so they could get back to their shore leave they so desperately needed.

            As soon as this was over Kaidan was going to bring in Dr. Chakwas to thoroughly examine Shepard and make sure he hadn’t really overdone it with using his biotics while he was already under strict instructions not to, and when he was hurt as well.

            At the moment, though, he joined Shepard on the red carpet leading into the casino, where the party was being held. Shepard eyed him up and down, a slow grin forming on his face and Kaidan felt his ears burn despite the fact he was currently doing the same to Shepard. He rarely ever saw the man in formal attire after all. Then again he rarely ever saw him in anything other than his Alliance uniform.

            Kaidan himself was guilty of that as well, he knew.

            “How come I’ve never seen you dressed up like this?” Shepard asked as they walked next to Brooks toward the Casino’s entrance.

            “I’ve got to have some secrets,” Kaidan replied with a sly grin, causing Shepard to shake his head and laugh as they pushed through the front doors. They stopped at the bottom of the stairs while Brooks went over the plan with them, before she took off on her own.

            Kaidan and Shepard stayed at the bottom of the stairs a moment longer.

            “Think this will work?” Kaidan asked.

            “It’s all we’ve got,” Shepard replied.

            “Not exactly reassuring.”

            “Sorry. But if not we’ll think of a plan B.”

            Kaidan nodded, fully believing the commander when he said that because that was what Shepard did – he always had a backup plan, no matter how crazy or reckless it was, and that relieved Kaidan just as much as it worried him.

            “Shall we?”

            Kaidan nodded and the two walked up the large staircase toward the interior of the casino.

They were told to mingle. Kaidan nervously looked around. As he once told Shepard, he wasn’t very good at mingling. People thought him too quiet and shy, which he was, in a way. It never worked out very well and he tended to avoid parties all-together, especially if it meant he had to dress up.

Except right now he couldn’t avoid the party, because someone was trying to kill his commander and there was no way he was letting Shepard out of his sight, even if it was to a party. Besides, he knew Shepard was just as uncomfortable as he was, never one to go to parties as the man rarely ever drank unless it was to celebrate something, or in the privacy of his cabin. Shepard was just as uncomfortable as him, hating dressing up, so if he could do it, Kaidan could too.

So he had to endure this party. At least he had Shepard at his side, which was always an excellent confidence booster, as he was coming to find out. Once he told the human ambassador (before he went evil and sided with Cerberus and tried to have the Council killed) that he was selling them out, and that was because of Shepard’s influence and the fact his commander had in fact been standing right next to him. He never would have voiced such a bold opinion otherwise, he knew.

“Okay, mingle,” Shepard said, frowning, “I can do that.”

“Sure can,” Kaidan said with a nod.

Shepard shrugged and walked up to a random woman who instantly included him in her conversation. Shepard looked out of place in the discussion about show biz but he handled himself well enough. Kaidan watched quietly from the sidelines until Shepard managed to get away.

“Let’s not mingle with them again.” The mild irritation in his voice and the scowl on his face had the sentinel laughing.

Kaidan grinned. “Agreed.”

Instead they went around to the other side of the casino and placed a few random bets on holographic races. Shepard won two, lost one, and walked away. Kaidan quietly followed after him.

Eventually Brooks called them upstairs because she was having trouble with the vent. Shepard helped disarm a camera and the wiring connected to the vent, and then returned to Brooks. She gave him some kind of contact lenses Liara made for him (it was supposed to help him see the wires in the floor or something like that) and Kaidan had to admit they looked a little freaky on him. He was used to bright blue eyes – not bright, glowing gold. It made him look all the more intense.

After that they were free to mingle again. Kaidan noticed the dance floor right next to them and all the people dancing, but he knew Shepard wouldn’t go for it. Shepard hated dancing and wasn’t very good at it because he never tried, but Kaidan thought it might be fun… and when would they ever get the chance to do this again?

Besides, this was also their shore leave and they were there to _relax_. What better way to relax than to let loose and look ridiculous on the dance floor? He had no way of bringing it up with the commander, though, because the words got lodged in his throat.

Shepard must have noticed his gaze, though, because he sighed, grabbed Kaidan’s hand and led him toward the dance floor. Kaidan couldn’t stop grinning the whole time.

They danced for a few minutes, to two different songs, both too fast for them to really get close to each other or anything, and then Shepard walked away. Kaidan followed after him, still unable to stop smiling.

“You enjoyed that too much,” Shepard muttered.

“Nah, I enjoyed it just enough,” Kaidan said.

Brooks interrupted Shepard from replying, asking him for help downstairs because there was a guard right below her. Shepard sighed and he and Kaidan wandered downstairs to distract the guard. Shepard wove a tale of a fake red sand drug addict in the men’s room and the guard left to take care of it. Then they were free to mingle again.

“You know… we could just mingle with each other,” Shepard said, eying an empty table.

Kaidan nodded, smiling. “Yes, we could, Commander.”

They walked toward the empty table and sat down across from each other.

“So… anything new?” Shepard asked.

_Well this is mildly awkward._

But in a good way, because it was just the two of them and it had been a while since they just _sat down_ and _talked_.

“Not really,” Kaidan replied. “You?”

“New people trying to kill me. Fell through a fish tank.”

Kaidan shook his head. “Yeah. I saw that.”

_And let’s never let it happen again._

“Tali was very upset that I broke their floor.”

“Yeah, she told me as much.”

“I think I need to make it up to her.”

“She’ll get over it,” Kaidan said with a shrug. “At least you’re okay.” A pause. “You are, right?”

Shepard shrugged. “Hurt like hell when it happened but I’ll live.”

_You better. But I’m still sicking Chakwas on you, you reckless idiot._

Kaidan nodded. “Good, I’d be upset if you died during our date.”

Shepard smirked. “Is this a date?”

“Why not? You’re dressed up, I’m dressed up, we danced, we’re talking…”

“Alright, fine, a date,” Shepard said with a chuckle.

“I think this is our first one,” Kaidan pointed out as the realization dawned on him. One could maybe count their dinner together at the Presidium as a ‘date’ but he didn’t really count that, as that was when they decided to give this a try.

“Is it?”

“Yeah… not much time to go on a proper date while you’re leading the war for survival.”

_And when you’re always being so damn reckless._

“I hear that,” Shepard said with a smirk. “I like to think we make up for it in the time we do manage to spend together.”

Kaidan grinned. “Oh, that we do, Commander.”

“This is nice, K.” Shepard’s voice was soft, quiet. A tone full of sincerity and Kaidan found himself relaxing.

“It is. We should do it more often, after the war.”

Shepard’s gaze darted away briefly, before he nodded. “Yeah. We should.”

“There _is_ going to be an after, Ryan.”

There had to be, right? Otherwise, what were they fighting for? Death? An honorable demise? No, hell no. There was going to be a later, an after, and he was going to go spend it with Shepard and make up for lost time.

“Maybe,” Shepard agreed with a sigh. “I just hope…”

“Yeah…” Kaidan said, capturing the twitching hand across the table, “we all do.”

It was about that time Brooks decided to contact them again. A few minutes later they joined her in the panic room. Kaidan cracked his knuckles and circled around the desk while Shepard told Khan that they did not want to hurt him, they only wanted answers. Honestly Kaidan could go for hurting the guy – he was part of the reason Shepard’s life was being threatened at the moment, and that was not okay.

When he walked around the desk, though, he found Khan to already be dead. He spun the chair around with a sigh. “And here I had this good cop routine all planned out.”

Shepard quirked a brow at him. It was that moment the vid screen above Khan’s dead body turned on and a distorted figure began talking with a voice scrambler.

The guy spoke of how he wanted Shepard dead and how he was going to take away everything he was and everything he had. Then it ended and Brooks couldn’t trace the call, and Shepard stormed out of the room with a scowl on his face. Kaidan quickly followed after him.

_Like hell, you’re not doing anything of the sort._

 

“Great party,” Kaidan commented as they returned to Shepard’s apartment, “though not so fun for the host.”

Shepard shook his head. EDI and Brooks headed toward the back of the apartment and began working on finding what little data remained. In the meantime Kaidan followed Shepard upstairs.

“You okay, Ryan?”

“Yeah. Just… Tired.”

Kaidan nodded, watching him. “Maybe you should sleep.”

Shepard’s scoff was bitter. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

“Don’t even joke about that,” Kaidan snapped, glaring.

Shepard sighed and scrubbed a hand across his face. “Sorry. I just… I’m gonna shower. Hate dressing up.”

There was more to it than that, Kaidan knew, but he wasn’t going to push the matter at the moment. Instead he took a step closer to Shepard.

“Think I’ll join you, Commander. Never know who might be lurking about.”

Shepard smirked, hands reaching for him, lightly tugging at his shirt. “In my shower, Major?”

“Mm, yes. Can never be too safe.”

“I hear that.”

 

It was just the two of them. Everyone had left for the night except Garrus, who insisted on staying to make sure no one tried to break into the apartment. Shepard begrudgingly gave him one of the downstairs bedrooms before he joined Kaidan upstairs. Tomorrow they were all going to regroup and think of another plan. Kaidan was fairly certain they all realized how exhausted Shepard was, the commander practically swaying on his feet. Finally they left and Kaidan all but drug him upstairs.

“Sleep,” he ordered.

“There’s too much to do,” Shepard said, even as he lay down, body doing what his mind argued against.

“That wasn’t a suggestion.”

“I think I’m in charge here,” Shepard said, blinking at him.

“Not when you’re dead on your feet. I’m having Chakwas come in the morning.”

“What? No. I’m fine,” Shepard said, instantly struggling to sit up even as Kaidan place his hand on the commander’s chest, halting him.

“No,” he said quietly, watching him, “you’re really not.”

“Kaidan-”

The sentinel’s eyes narrowed. “Do you know how lucky you are to even be alive?”

Shepard’s mouth snapped shut.

“Exactly. So just… don’t argue with me.” He took in a breath, fingers curling faintly into the fabric of Shepard’s shirt. “Just… let me take care of you.”

Shepard was quiet for a long moment, before he nodded, relenting with a sigh as he dropped back down on the bed. Kaidan didn’t remove his hand, though, finding comfort in that contact even though he knew he should really pull away. Shepard was okay, he himself was okay, everything was okay.

_Except it’s not._

Shepard had done very little today except walk around the casino and still he was exhausted. His wounds were closing nicely but Kaidan knew he had to still be sore. And he’d used his biotics when he wasn’t supposed to, and he hadn’t been checked over by Dr. Chakwas yet.

“She’s going to come in the morning,” Kaidan said. “And you’re going to submit to any tests she wants to run.”

“Oh, am I?”

“Yes. You are.”

Shepard sighed, almost pouting. “I’ll do whatever she wants as long as it doesn’t get in the way of this investigation.”

Kaidan took in a breath and nodded, knowing that was all he could hope for. It was too much to ask for Shepard to sit this one out even though he wanted to tell him to do exactly that. To just sit this one out for once and let the others handle it, but Kaidan knew he wouldn’t go for that. At all.

Kaidan turned the lights off and crawled into bed next to the brunette.

 

 

Shepard’s mouth was fire down his chest and stomach, igniting and tingling in all the right ways, and Kaidan’s eyes snapped open as he gasped, hands reaching for the source of that heat. Shepard easily slid back up the length of his body, a grin plastered on his face as he captured Kaidan’s mouth with his own.

“Good morning,” he said.

Kaidan tried to respond but found himself moaning as Shepard eased back down his body, sitting on his legs, fingers teasing the line of his sweat pants. He wasn’t sure when he’d lost his shirt but thank God it was gone.

Shepard stopped, then, easily sliding away from him, a smug grin plastered on his face as Kaidan tossed him a quick glare.

“Don’t stop,” he said almost petulantly, like a little kid.

“I’d _love_ to continue, K, but _someone_ decided to have a doctor come see me in the wee morning hours,” Shepard said with a breathy laugh as he landed a quick kiss on Kaidan’s lips before he crawled out of bed.

“What?”

It was hard to think at the moment.

_I think I said something like that…_

Right?

“So you’ll just have to wait until later and be a good boy until then. Think you can handle that?”

Shepard’s look offered a challenge and Kaidan smirked.

“What’s my prize?”

“That depends, K – what do you want?”

“Oh. I can think of a few things.”

Shepard grinned. “All in good time. Right now Chakwas is waiting downstairs. I came to wake you up.” That sly smirk was back. “I take it you’re sufficiently awake?”

“Goddamn right I am,” Kaidan all but muttered, finally managing to sit up. “Where did my shirt go?”

Shepard looked across the room, near the Jacuzzi.

“How did…?”

Shepard’s face was the picture of innocence even though Kaidan knew it was a lie.

“Is this payback?”

“For Chakwas? Why, Kaidan, I would never _dream_ of such a thing.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes, getting to his feet. He crossed the room and picked up his forgotten shirt, turning to find Shepard gone. With a sigh he pulled the shirt on, fixed a stiff situation further down his body, and left the room, heading downstairs.

He found Dr. Chakwas sitting with Shepard on the couch in the living room, checking his pupils and everything. The orange glow of her omni-tool flashed as Kaidan entered the kitchen, intent on getting some coffee to help… _take his mind_ off things.

After he’d started a pot he joined the two of them in the living room.

“Where’s Garrus?” he asked, remembering that the turian stayed there last night even though, as Shepard kept saying, it was completely unnecessary.

“Tali and him went to get breakfast,” Shepard said, scowling at Dr. Chakwas’ omni-tool, leaving Kaidan frowning as he plopped down next to him.

“Everything okay, Doc?”

“His oxygen levels are low,” she said. “And his heart-rate is elevated.”

Kaidan frowned. “Is that bad?”

_Well, she wouldn’t be mentioning it if it was good._

“I will need to run further tests.” Now she glared at the commander. “I told you not to use your biotics for a while.”

Shepard scowled. “It was like two times and the alternative was getting blown up with a grenade. I don’t think that’s very good for my health either.”

“Yeah, how’s his wound?” Kaidan asked.

She shook her head. “It’s healing quite nicely on its own. I could administer medi-gel but I don’t think it’s really necessary. That’s not what concerns me.”

“You’re concerned?”

_Of course she is, you idiot._

It was why he’d called her down here, after all – because he himself was concerned.

Shepard leaned back into the couch cushions. “I’m _fine_ ,” he muttered, folding his arms across his chest.

“You’re not,” Chakwas said, causing Kaidan’s spine to stiffen. “I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation.” Her gaze slid toward Kaidan. “Perhaps you can talk some sense into him.”

Kaidan sighed. “It’s not that easy…”

“Still here, guys,” Shepard muttered. “And I’m fine.”

“ ‘Fine’ is a relative term,” the doctor said. “I know you have your duties as a commander, but the truth of the matter is that your system is barely stable at the moment. If you use your biotics again it could trigger a multitude of side effects inevitably ending in your system shutting down.”

“Shutting down?” Kaidan echoed.

_Why do I really not like the sound of that…_

Even Shepard’s expression contorted in confused worry.

_That’s not good._

“Yes,” Chakwas said seriously. “I’d put you on medical leave if you weren’t already on shore leave.”

Shepard shook his head. “You’re overreacting.”

“I’m afraid I’m not, Commander.”

_I knew it was bad!_

He just hadn’t thought… it’d be _this_ bad.

Then again, it was bound to happen. Shepard never rested. Kaidan himself knew the risks of being a biotics – overdoing it was always a concern because the biotics would draw energy from the rest of the body, which would eventually shut down vital functions and could potentially lead to death. But Kaidan was careful – all biotics were, except Shepard.

In truth Shepard couldn’t afford to be careful – Kaidan knew that. Understood it on some level, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

“I’ll make sure he rests, Doc,” Kaidan said sincerely, even as Shepard tossed him a look, halfway between a glare and irritation.

_I don’t care. You’re resting._

Enough had already happened on this shore leave, after all. Kaidan was going to be damned if he let Shepard overdo it under his watch. There was only so much a person could take before…

But he wouldn’t let that happen. He’d already failed once; he wouldn’t fail again.

_No matter the cost._

Shepard was worth it.

 


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this chapter for some reason. No idea why XD Also I realize some things might be OOC. Sorry :P

Chapter Seven

 

Kaidan told the group that today was not a good day for investigating. They could continue their search and if they found anything, message Shepard about it but Shepard didn’t need to be running around out there with them. Nope. Kaidan was going to force him to relax.

Honestly, it shouldn’t have been so damn hard. Relaxing was supposed to be easy, right? Except nothing was ever easy where it concerned Shepard, as Kaidan was learning.

“Kaidan,” Shepard huffed indignantly, “I’m _fine_!”

“You’re not fine,” Kaidan snapped back, glaring at the commander who sat on the couch, Kaidan pacing back and forth in front of him. “Shall I count the ways? You’re burning yourself out!”

“I’m _fine_.”

“If you say that word one more time…”

Shepard rolled his eyes. “Kaidan. These people are after _me_.”

“All the more reason you should stay here.”

“It’s not fair to have them do my work for me!”

“They’re a part of this as much as you are,” Kaidan reminded him.

“How? This person’s after _me_ specifically. Not them. They shouldn’t be involved in this.” Shepard took in a breath, expression semi-contorted as he looked at him. “ _You_ shouldn’t be involved…”

“I’m involved because I care about you,” Kaidan explained slowly. “Just like the others. You’re not alone in this, Shepard.”

Shepard sank back into the cushions, appearing as though he wished they could swallow him whole. Kaidan sighed and joined him on the couch, sitting next to him, arms lightly brushing against each other. He chewed on his lower lip, wondering how to explain it to the man sitting quietly next to him, how to get him to rest.

“I know you think you’re made of stone,” he said quietly, surprised himself at his voice, “but you’re not. And that’s not a bad thing, Ryan.”

“I’m fine.”

Kaidan shot him a sharp glance and Shepard had the good sense to at least look a little abashed. “You’re not _fine_ , dammit. What part of ‘system shut down’ do you not understand?”

“Kaidan. She said it _could_ happen. Could! Just like the Reapers _could_ win. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.”

“Are you really willing to risk it?”

Shepard snapped his mouth shut then, contemplating. Kaidan washed the thoughts flicker across the commander’s face, waited patiently before Shepard took in a breath and released it slowly, shaking his head. “What else am I supposed to do, Kaidan?”

“Relax.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not? Sounds simple enough to me.”

Shepard shook his head. “I’m the commander – I can’t just…”

“What? Relax? Take some time to _heal_?” Kaidan scrubbed a hand across his face. “No one expects you to be a superhero, Ryan. Just… _relax_. For one day.”

“There’s no time-”

“Ryan,” Kaidan all but snapped, causing Shepard to look at him, “ _one day_. That’s all I’m asking. One day of doing nothing but goddamn _relaxing_. It’s shore leave, Shepard. Just… let it go.”

_For once, just do this._

He watched the hesitation flicker across Shepard’s face and reached out, lightly grasping the commander’s hand which had previously been resting between them on the couch. Shepard looked down at their now entwined fingers, sighing heavily before he dragged his gaze up to Kaidan’s face, slowly searching, but for what, Kaidan had no idea.

He must have found it, though, because Kaidan watched the fight disappear.

Normally that would have bothered him – the drooping shoulders and everything – but right now, he couldn’t help but feel _relieved_ because it meant he won the argument.

“One day, huh?” Shepard asked quietly.

Kaidan nodded. “One day. Then you can…” He swallowed. “Then we can jump back into things. Just… give me this.”

“You?”

“Do this for me, please. For my own sanity.”

“A sanity check?” Shepard asked, semi-smirking, and Kaidan shrugged and nodded.

“In a way,” he said.

“Alright,” Shepard sighed, leaning into him. Kaidan easily slipped an arm around those strong shoulders, feeling the muscles beneath him. “I can do that. For you.”

Kaidan lightly pressed his lips against Shepard’s ear as the commander leaned into him a little more, resting his head on his shoulder. “Thank you.”

Shepard chuckled, the sound a low, warm rumble which vibrated through Kaidan. “Keep that up,” the commander said quietly, “and everyone’s gonna know we’re together.”

“I’m okay with that,” Kaidan said honestly.

“Good,” Shepard breathed, “I’d be upset if you were getting second thoughts.”

“Never.”

“Even if I’m a stubborn, reckless asshole?”

The words were partially teasing and partially serious, Kaidan realized. He tightened his hold on the brunette, urging the two of them closer as they pretty much cuddled together on the couch.

“Even then,” he said quietly.

They sat that way for a while, watching the screen across the room, hanging on the wall. It was some random vid Kaidan knew but couldn’t name, and it didn’t matter as much as the closeness between them at the moment. Once upon a time Kaidan thought Shepard infallible – larger than life, a God among men in all that he accomplished in so little time, with so little resources and little to no backup. Now, though…

Now he knew otherwise. Shepard was human just like him. He had hopes and dreams and doubts and worries just like everyone else. Except where Kaidan could express his concerns, Shepard often could not. It wouldn’t do the crew any good to see their commander worrying, after all. And now he was leading the war efforts against the Reapers – he couldn’t show any weakness now more than ever.

So it was nice that Shepard was showing him this side of him right now. Once upon a time it might have upset Kaidan to see him like this, and while he didn’t like seeing Shepard so down, it also made him feel useful. He could be there for Shepard like Shepard was there for him, was there for so many others. Maybe he could be what larger than life Commander Shepard needed.

What _Ryan_ needed.

“Kaidan.”

The voice was quiet, soft, unsure. Kaidan blinked and looked at Shepard to find blue eyes watching him hesitantly.

“What is it?” he asked.

Shepard took in a breath and released it slowly. “I just… I’m sorry, if I’ve… been stubborn. If I’ve… complicated things.”

Kaidan frowned. “What brought this on?”

Shepard averted his gaze, lightly shifting away from him. A part of Kaidan wanted to argue, pull that warm body back against his own but in the end, he let it happen simply because he didn’t want to force Shepard to do anything. Other than take a day off, of course.

“I just… I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?”

“ _This_ ,” Shepard said, like it was simple and obvious.

“I don’t understand,” Kaidan said, frowning. “What do you mean? What don’t you know how to do?”

“ _This,_ ” Shepard said again, gesturing between them. “I just… I don’t… Relationships aren’t my strong suit.”

“And you think they’re mine?”

“Well, no, I… I don’t know. I just… I thought what I had with Tali was meaningful and important,” he said quietly, and Kaidan tried not to flinch at the mention of their relationship. “But that fell apart, mostly because of me. I just… I couldn’t do it. And… And now I’m with you, and…”

“And what?” Kaidan asked, tongue thick and heavy in his mouth because he honestly didn’t know where Shepard was going with this.

“And I feel like it’s going to happen again,” he admitted quietly. “I just… I can’t do this.”

“Can’t?”

“I don’t want to make you…”

“Make me what?”

_You’re not making much sense here, Ryan. Help me out._

“I’m messed up,” Shepard said, looking at the ground. “And I know that. I don’t know if it’s because of what Cerberus did or what, but… I just… You deserve better.”

Kaidan blinked, uncertainty knotting in his stomach. “I deserve better?” he echoed, frowning.

“Yes. Better.”

“Better than you?” Kaidan asked, mostly to clarify.

Shepard’s nod was slow but his voice was steady. “Yes.”

Kaidan watched him for a long moment, studying the profile he was given, before he shook his head. “That’s bullshit, Commander.”

“Excuse me?” Shepard asked, finally dragging his gaze away from the floor to look at him.

“I don’t deserve better than you.”

“Kaidan-”

“ _You’re_ the best. And I love you. And I’m not going anywhere, so if you’re trying to get me to leave, you’re going to need to do better than that.”

And then he leaned closer to the brunette while Shepard seemed to be struggling to find the right words, and captured those hesitant lips with his own because this was something he couldn’t have been more certain about. Shepard might have seen himself in a different light but Kaidan saw all the good in him, but also all the bad, and it didn’t bother him.

Instead it just made him want to be closer to the man, not farther away.

Everyone had doubts in relationships, and maybe neither of their relationships had ended very well in the past, but that was behind them because now they had each other, and that was really all that mattered in the end.

Shepard’s hands were under his shirt. Kaidan wasn’t sure when that happened but he wasn’t complaining, his own hands encircling the commander’s waist. Shepard pulled back from him slightly, watching him for a long moment. Kaidan allowed the scrutiny.

“Last chance to back out, Kaidan,” Shepard said quietly.

Kaidan smiled. “Not going anywhere, Ryan.”

Shepard _grinned_ in a way that seemed far more sincere than anything else, and suddenly Kaidan found himself pinned beneath the man, and he had no desire to break free.

 

“Got any eights?”

“Go fish,” Kaidan replied as the two sat in the game room sometime later, playing cards.

Shepard grumbled to himself and snagged a card from the deck which rested between them in the center of the table. “I still can’t believe you had Hackett enforce shore leave on me.”

Kaidan blinked at the sudden topic. “You didn’t give me much choice, you know.”

_And you didn’t see your face…_

That damn face. He never wanted to see it again.

“Still. That’s pretty sneaky, Major. Your turn, by the way.”

“Sevens. And you forced my hand, Commander.”

“Go fish. I did no such thing. I was in med bay when you had this secret discussion. I wasn’t even conscious, if I recall.”

That was true. Kaidan shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. Still your fault for being so damn reckless.”

“Twos. And that’s kind of in the job description, you know.”

“Go fish. Alright, fine, then it’s in my job description to keep an eye on you and get someone to enforce shore leave when you need it.” He smiled. “Just so we’re clear, Commander.”

Shepard rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “I underestimated you, Major. Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“There’s a lot I have in me,” Kaidan said, smirking. “If you’re interested in finding out.”

“Oh, I’m interested. And I’m not reckless, you know.”

“You’re not? Could have fooled me.”

Shepard rolled his eyes. “I’ve never actually gone into a situation thinking I won’t get out. Well… except for the suicide mission but that’s a given. I mean, it was the mission’s title.”

Kaidan hummed thoughtfully. “So that makes you not reckless?”

“Well… not as much as you think I am.”

“Uh huh. Not very convincing, you know.”

Shepard shook his head. “I’m not reckless. Just… determined.”

_Recklessly determined, maybe._

“I see. So when you charged that atlas after you were shot…”

They both kind of froze then. Kaidan didn’t mean to bring it up, didn’t want to do so because that was a memory he wished he could forget but it was seared permanently into his brain, a perpetually visual nightmare he could never erase. _That_ look…

“That was different,” Shepard said quietly. “It wasn’t reckless.”

“Wasn’t reckless?” Kaidan asked incredulously.

“No. To be reckless means I don’t think of the danger. I thought of the danger. It was an informed decision.”

Shepard made it sound so _simple_. “Informed decision?”

“You and Garrus would have been killed had I not charged at the atlas,” Shepard said slowly. “It was only logical. Not reckless. Just… determined. I was determined that you two would live.”

“You almost _died_ ,” Kaidan growled like Shepard didn’t understand, because it didn’t seem like he did.

He was entirely too damn _calm_ about this.

“One life for the good of two,” Shepard said quietly, not looking at him but instead staring at the deck of cards between them, the game forgotten. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Dammit, Ryan, you didn’t see… that goddamn _face_ you made…”

“I’m sorry. I only reacted. If it saved you, then…”

“Never do that again,” Kaidan said, voice just as quiet as Shepard’s, merely a hesitant breath of air because this was something he did _not_ want to think about. “Do you hear me? _Never again_.”

“It wasn’t reckless, Kaidan. It was practical.”

“No, it was _crazy_!” Kaidan snapped. “And would you look at me?”

Shepard slowly dragged his gaze away from the deck of cards, up to Kaidan’s face where blue eyes met brown.

“You say you did it for me? So I could live?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard nodded quickly, watching him.

“You honestly think I would want to live with myself after that?”

“Kaidan-”

“It wasn’t _practical_ , Shepard. How would you feel if I did the same thing for you?”

Shepard didn’t quite pale but his eyes did darken enough that it almost appeared as though he had. “Don’t even joke about that.”

_Well, at least he’s starting to understand._

“Then don’t ever do that to me again, _for me_. I wouldn’t want that.”

“But you would have died,” Shepard said simply. “That atlas had a clear shot.”

“I don’t _care_. I don’t… I don’t need you _dying_ for me.”

 _Again,_ his mind said helpfully.

_Shut up._

“Kaidan. I’m the commander – it’s my _job_ to ensure the safety of my crew, and that includes you.”

“Don’t give me that,” Kaidan growled, glaring at him. “That’s just an excuse.”

And suddenly it hit him, almost like a physical punch to the chest, and he couldn’t goddamn _breathe_ …

“Kaidan?” The touch of anger which had been present in Shepard’s voice was gone now, replaced with concern. “Kaidan, hey?”

“You looked _relieved_ ,” Kaidan said quietly, looking down at the deck of cards now.

“Kaidan?”

“When you charged the atlas. You looked goddamn _relieved_.”

Shepard went quiet and Kaidan looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

“Why were you relieved?”

“I…”

“Do you want to die?”

Shepard snapped his mouth shut and that was answer enough for Kaidan.

Feeling like he’d just been kicked in the chest, the sentinel pushed to his feet and left the room.

 

Shepard found him sometime later, upstairs on the balcony, half leaning against the railing. The commander stayed a fair distance away and anger chewed at the fringes of Kaidan’s mind.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said quietly, “are you okay?”

_Am I okay?_

What a ridiculous question!

“I’m not the suicidal one,” Kaidan said, and if it came out bitter like bad coffee, he didn’t care. Not at the moment.

“I’m not suicidal.”

“Yeah, right. Just like you’re not reckless either.”

“I’m not,” Shepard said simply. “I’m just willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. You can understand that, I’m sure.”

Kaidan closed his eyes and took in a long, slow breath. “How’d we get here, Shepard?”

“I don’t know. I… don’t like it.”

Kaidan laughed but it was anything but happy. “I don’t either.”

Silence surrounded the two for a long moment. Finally Shepard moved to stand at his side, and Kaidan glanced over at him, eyes searching.

“Do you want to die?” he asked.

“Kaidan.”

“It’s a simple yes or no question, Ryan.”

Shepard was quiet for a moment, before he nodded. “Alright. No, I don’t want to die.”

“I hear a ‘but’ in there somewhere…”

“ _But_ ,” Shepard said, “I don’t think I would fight it, either.”

Kaidan swallowed, mouth dry. “You would just give in.”

_Give up. Let go. You’d just… let it happen._

And that was _not_ something he wanted to hear, dammit…

Not from his friend. Not from Shepard. Not from _Ryan_.

“It’s not that simple,” Shepard said quietly. “I just… I’m tired, Kaidan.”

Kaidan swallowed, thinking back to a similar conversation a few weeks ago, in Shepard’s cabin. “But you’ll fight.”

“I’ll fight,” Shepard agreed. “I’ll fight until I’m dead.”

“No. You won’t.”

“Kaidan?”

Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly, struggling to find the words. “You fight as hard as you want, as much as you want… but you better come back to me in the end.”

Shepard blinked at him, shocked.

“Do you understand?”

The commander nodded slowly. “Alright, K,” he breathed, “I’ll do everything I can to make it home at the end of the day.”

 

Sleep didn’t come easily, despite the day’s events. First he woke to Shepard practically tormenting him, then they tried to have some down time and relax but all that seemed to do was bring up things Kaidan would have rather left in the dark recesses of his mind.

But at the end of the day, they oddly enough seemed closer because of it. Normally Shepard would fall asleep and at some point in the night would become an octopus and practically wrap himself around Kaidan. He always started out on his side of the bed, though. This time…

Now he was easily curling into Kaidan’s side, head resting on the sentinel’s chest, and Kaidan brought an arm around the vanguard, half in shock and half relieved. He didn’t ruin everything and Shepard was still there. That was always a good sign in his book.

Shepard drifted off fairly quickly even though Kaidan knew it was because he was exhausted, his system’s fried as Dr. Chakwas told them. He wished he could get Shepard to relax another day but it was hard enough to get the man to relent to today, and that was only under the promise that it was only for one day. Tomorrow it would be back to work.

_Let’s just wrap this up quickly._

And then they could all rest and continue with their shore leave.

 


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where it gets more AU-ish...

Chapter Eight

 

For once, Kaidan woke before Shepard. He opened his eyes to darkness, sunlight not yet visible through the Citadel. Kaidan was often relieved to find the Citadel had a day cycle just like everywhere else except the ship. It was easy to lose track of the days while in the Normandy, out in space. Having a day and night cycle grounded him in reality, and he slowly crawled out of bed, listening to Shepard’s quiet breathing as he did so.

It was rare that he woke before Shepard. Shepard gave him one day and he knew it would be over as soon as the commander woke up, so he wanted to do at least one more thing before the grace period ended and he had to step back and watch Shepard throw himself once more into the fray.

Shepard was at home in a battle, Kaidan knew. Be it infiltrating something, physically fighting someone or just gathering information on them, he always appeared perfectly calm despite everything else. Then again he’d been trained for such a thing – used for it, even. Cerberus only brought him back so he could keep fighting, and while a part of Kaidan would always be grateful that this organization, however hated, had brought the man back to him, he couldn’t help but wonder if it was actually for the best.

Shepard was their only hope against the Reapers, Kaidan knew. But other than that…

Did Shepard even want to be brought back? The two of them had never discussed this. Shepard rarely spoke of his ‘death’ and Kaidan never brought it up because he didn’t enjoy reliving it, remembering how horrible it’d been to open that escape pod and find only Joker inside. He shuddered just thinking about it.

Quietly, he made his way downstairs and into the kitchen. It had been a while since he’d actually cooked anything but after all that had happened, he could make Shepard breakfast. It could be the last normal act they had before the commander jumped back into the fight, and everyone needed to start the day off with something.

He knew they had the ingredients for pancakes simply because he’d been there when Shepard was virtually purchasing them via the extranet. It certainly made shopping easier and they delivered it to you so they didn’t have to worry about actually going anywhere, which was nice.

He’d just mixed the batter when warm arms encircled him from behind, pulling him backward into an equally warm chest. Despite the initial shock, a grin spread across his face as he leaned into Shepard’s light hold.

“Morning,” he said.

“Mm,” Shepard hummed in response, lips pressing against the back of the sentinel’s neck, sending welcome shivers down his spine. “What are you doing?”

The breath was hot against his skin. “Making breakfast.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t know you could cook.”

Kaidan chuckled even as Shepard’s arms dropped from around him and the commander stepped away, now standing next to him instead of behind him. “I’m just full of surprises, I guess.”

“Pancakes?”

The odd lilt to Shepard’s voice had him glancing over. “Yeah. You don’t like them?”

_Crap. I never thought about that._

Shepard shook his head. “No, I like them. At least I think so.”

“You think so?” Kaidan echoed, frowning.

“I’ve never actually had them,” Shepard admitted somewhat sheepishly, causing Kaidan to stare at him.

“You’ve never had pancakes?”

“I joined the Alliance as soon as I turned eighteen,” Shepard said, shrugging. “I had more important things to do.”

“Didn’t your parents…?”

Shepard’s gaze darkened. “They were killed when I was sixteen. Before that… they were always busy. Mom…” His expression softened then as he averted his gaze toward the pancakes slowly browning. “She wasn’t the best cook. She burned ramen.”

Kaidan laughed. “Is that even possible?”

Shepard smiled faintly. “She found a way. Anyway, so I’ve never had pancakes. I heard they’re good, though.”

“They’re pretty fantastic,” Kaidan said. “But nothing compares to steak. I’ll have to fix you dinner sometime.”

Shepard grinned, finally looking at him again. “You’re gonna spoil me.”

“What’s the point in dating you if I can’t spoil you?”

“Dating. Huh. Has a nice ring to it.”

“It does,” Kaidan agreed, grabbing for the spatula so he could flip the pancakes over. “There are perks to having me as your boyfriend.”

Shepard’s laugh was a welcome sound. “Boyfriend, huh?”

“I could think of worse things to call you.”

Shepard shook his head and walked away from the counter, leaving Kaidan to his cooking. Movement behind him assured him Shepard was sitting at the little island area in the middle of the kitchen, on one of the stools.

The next few minutes were passed in a comfortable, easy silence. Finally the pancakes were done and Kaidan served them on two plates, putting one down in front of Shepard while he pulled out the stool across from him, sitting down.

He was happy to see two glasses of milk already present.

“I could get used to this,” Shepard said.

Kaidan smirked at him. “Yeah. Me too. We’ll have to do this more often.”

“We probably won’t be at the apartment much longer. Shore leave’s kind of gone to hell.”

“No it hasn’t.”

“Kaidan. I fell through a fish tank.”

“There’s a first time for everything.”

Shepard shook his head, chuckling somewhat.

“Besides, are we really going to let this ruin our vacation?” Kaidan asked.

“Some vacation,” Shepard sighed. “Maybe if we wrap it up soon enough…”

Kaidan sighed, knowing that was as good as he was going to get on that subject. “How are the pancakes?”

Shepard stuck a bite in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully, expression brightening somewhat. “They’re terrific.”

“There are benefits to dating me,” Kaidan said, unable to hide his smile.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

            They ate in silence for a few moments before Shepard got to his feet, finished.

            “My hands are sticky,” he complained, tossing a glance at Kaidan. “I need to shower.” His hand landed on Kaidan’s wrist, then. “And now you’re sticky too so you’ll have to join me.”

            Kaidan barked out a laugh, getting to his feet. “Whatever you say, Commander.”

            Shepard’s smile was real and sincere as he led the way upstairs, leaving the plates forgotten in the kitchen. Kaidan followed hurriedly, watching as Shepard pulled off his shirt, revealing the still-healing wound across his middle. It was looking much better, Kaidan had to admit, and probably wouldn’t even scar even without the use of medi-gel, but it still served as a reminder of how close he’d been to losing the man.

            _Again._

            And that was something he wouldn’t let happen. He was clumsy and messed up before, at the diner, but he wouldn’t let it happen again. This time he’d be ready for anything.

            Shepard’s mouth nibbled lightly at his neck, dragging him back into reality.

            “Where’d you go?” Shepard breathed, hands firm on Kaidan’s hips, holding him still, the commander’s body lightly pressing against his.

            “Nowhere,” Kaidan replied, voice just as breathy as his own hands came up, easing down the smooth, naked flesh of Shepard’s sides, careful of the still-healing wound.

            “Good, I’d hate to think I was too boring.”

            Kaidan smiled, allowing his forehead to rest against Shepard’s, lightly pushing the commander up against the wall, leaving no room for escape. “Never boring, Ryan.”

            Shepard was many things, but boring wasn’t one of them.

            “If anything you’re very distracting,” Kaidan said.

            Shepard’s laugh was a breath of air ghosting over Kaidan’s nose, smelling distinctly of pancakes. “Good distracting or bad distracting?”

            “Oh, the best kind,” Kaidan replied, moving so his mouth pressed firmly against Shepard’s, a stunning amount of affection bubbling up inside of him. He’d never felt this rush of emotion for anyone before he met Shepard, and he knew he would only ever feel it for the commander.

            “Shower, K,” Shepard breathed, lightly pushing him away, smiling, “join me.”

            _Always join you._

            “Your wish is my command,” Kaidan said, allowing himself to be led into the bathroom.

 

“Kaidan, you… You make it easy.”

            The words were quiet and came out of nowhere. Kaidan lifted his head from Shepard’s shoulder and frowned at the brunette. The two were currently lying in bed, clad only in their underwear after having taken a shower together.

            “Make it easy?”

            “Yeah,” Shepard breathed, blue eyes shifting to look at him. “Easy.”

            “What do I make easy?”

            “You make it easy to… to be _me_.”

            Kaidan blinked at the words, at the slight crease in Shepard’s brow, and pushed his elbows under him, sitting up. “Who else would you be?”

            “I don’t know. You just…” The commander took in a breath, watching him. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

            Kaidan smiled, leaning his head down to capture those uncertain lips. “You’ll never find out,” he promised, because he wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t going to let the commander out of his sight.

            Shepard smiled as Kaidan pulled away.

            “We should probably get dressed, though.”

            “Ugh. Yeah. Probably not the best idea for Commander Shepard to walk around in his underwear.”

            “Probably not,” Kaidan agreed with a quiet laugh as he walked toward the closet.

            There was a sudden, hot pain in Kaidan’s head and he went to his knees, unable to hold himself up as confusion weighed heavy in his mind.

            A hooded figure walked past him, easily pushing into the room. It stood between him and Shepard, who was watching Kaidan with a twisted expression, darting confused and angry glances at the hooded figure.

            “What the…?” Shepard asked in shock.

            The figure’s hand lifted, the faint glow of blue encircling it.

            With one wave of the figure’s hand Shepard was hit. Kaidan struggled to his feet just in time for that fist to blaze blue again.

            The next thing he knew, he was flying into a wall, his head slamming against it, and then all he knew was darkness.

 

Groaning, Kaidan woke from a sleep he never meant to have, images flashing briefly through his mind before his eyes snapped open.

            _Shepard._

            That was the only thing that mattered at the moment. He couldn’t exactly remember what happened but he did know there was an attack of some kind, in the bedroom they shared, in this apartment which should have been _safe_ , on the Citadel where it should have been _safe_ …

            “Shepard-”

            He sat up and immediately regretted doing so, white spots flashing before his vision, leaving him groaning.

            “Good, you’re awake,” came a familiar voice, and Kaidan looked over to find Shepard leaning against the far wall while Kaidan himself was in the bed.

            “Shepard,” Kaidan breathed, relieved. “Are you okay? What happened?”

            He remembered going to the closet for clothes. Currently he and Shepard both had clothes on so he assumed he’d at least been successful in that regard. Shepard was dressed in the standard uniform pants but also wore an N7 hoodie. The next thing he remembered was getting hit in the back of the head, a hooded figure entering the room.

            He quickly got to his feet, moving toward the commander who watched him with semi-narrowed eyes, arms folded across his chest in his usual pose, but something about it seemed kind of _off_. Kaidan wasn’t sure what it was but it might have just been because of that hoodie. He’d never seen him in it before, after all.

            “Are you okay?” he asked again, reaching out to check for injuries, assess for himself that Shepard was alright.

            Shepard easily smacked his hands away, scowling. “I’m fine, Major.”

            Kaidan frowned.

            _Major?_

            They rarely used titles unless they were joking. This was no laughing matter, though.

            “What happened?” he asked.

            “Someone broke in,” Shepard replied with a shrug. “Don’t worry, it’s taken care of.”

            _Taken care of?_

            “Who was it? What did they want?” Kaidan wanted to know. “Were they working for Khan? For that guy that apparently hates you?”

            _Though I don’t know why he’d hate you._

            Shepard’s expression darkened before going blank, the equivalent of a door slamming in Kaidan’s face, leaving him frowning in confused shock.

            “Ryan?”

            Shepard shook his head and turned, heading out of the room. Kaidan followed after him.

            “Ryan, what’s wrong?”

            _Something’s not right here._

            He felt it in his gut, he just couldn’t place what it was.

            Shepard continued on down the stairs, leaving Kaidan growling after him.

            “Would you talk to me?”

            “There’s nothing to discuss, Major.”

            “Why do you keep calling me that?”

            He didn’t get an answer, though, because at that moment there was a knock on the door and Kaidan tossed a look at Shepard before he went to open it. He found Garrus standing there, and quickly waved him in.

            “Did you get them?” Kaidan asked.

            Garrus frowned, confused. “Get who?”

            “The guy who broke in here,” the sentinel replied, frowning because shouldn’t Garrus have known about this? Wasn’t this why he was here? “Knocked me out.”

            _Don’t know what he did to Shepard but he doesn’t seem like himself…_

            And Kaidan had no idea what was wrong with him.

            “Call Dr. Chakwas,” he sighed, scrubbing a hand across his face. “Shepard should get looked over. He seems stressed.”

            _Or something. I don’t even know._

            He looked over at Shepard, who stood in the kitchen, watching them from afar. His eyes were narrowed into a suspicious gaze and that didn’t seem like him at all. Kaidan liked to think he knew him fairly well and he’d never seen that expression angled at him before.

            Maybe with Dr. Chakwas’ help he could figure out what was wrong with Shepard.

            “We need to get into the archives,” Shepard said a few minutes later, when Kaidan tuned back into the conversation. He snapped his gaze toward the commander, frowning as they all huddled over a virtual map.

            “The archives?” he asked. “Why?”

            _How will that help?_

            “Well…” Shepard said slowly, glancing at him briefly, “if this guy is really targeting me and hacking my personal records, I’d think the archives would be a good place to start.”

            Kaidan nodded slowly. “Alright. I guess that makes sense.”

            Shepard nodded, looking at the small group around them as some of the others had finally shown back up as well. “Vakarian, T’Soni, you’re with me.”

            “What? Shepard-” Kaidan started.

            Those blue eyes which looked at him were not the soft and bright hue he remembered. There was something darker in them, something more cold, like some kind of hidden anger and it left a chill crawling down Kaidan’s spine.

            _Shepard, what’s going on?_

            This just didn’t seem right.

            “We leave in five,” Shepard said, glancing at the others, who nodded.

            “Shepard,” Kaidan said, grabbing at the commander’s arm. Shepard brushed him off, tossing him a quick glare, and Kaidan couldn’t help the stab of hurt he felt at that. “What’s going on?”

            “Nothing, Major.”

            “Stop calling me that. I thought we agreed to stick with names?”

            “I’ve got work to do. I don’t have time for this.”

            Kaidan’s eyes flashed. “Then make time, dammit! You can’t just jump right back into everything after-”

            “You’re just pissed because you’re not coming with me,” Shepard said, eyes narrowed into icy slits as they watched him, and Kaidan felt himself flinch at the harsh bite of the commander’s words. “Get over it, Major. This doesn’t concern you.”

            _Doesn’t concern me?_

            “Shepard-”

            But Shepard was already walking away, toward the back of the room where the others were standing, talking quietly amongst themselves.

            Kaidan growled and snagged Shepard’s arm, pulling him back. Shepard shook him off roughly, blue sparking to life around him and Kaidan found himself flying backward, slamming into the wall, the commander’s glowing blue fist hovering just in front of his neck, the commander’s blue eyes darker than he could remember seeing them.

            “Ryan?” he breathed, tongue thick and heavy in his mouth as he looked over Shepard’s face, into his eyes, trying to make sense of everything. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

            _I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me._

            “Leave me alone, Alenko,” Shepard all but spat, allowing the sentinel to drop to the floor before he turned and started walking back to the others who were staring at him in shock.

            Kaidan got back to his feet, staring after the commander.

            _What the hell’s going on, Shepard?_

 


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

 

It was decided that they would travel in three groups, ‘all hands on deck’. Liara and Garrus were working directly with Shepard while everyone else was split up. Kaidan himself was left behind at the apartment, much to his surprise, and to the surprise of the others.

            “But, Shepard-” he tried to argue, looking into those cold eyes.

            “You’re too emotionally involved,” Shepard replied before he looked back at the others.

            Kaidan tried to argue some more but each time he did he kept getting cut off with yet another reason for him to stay behind. He questioned Shepard too much; he was too emotionally involved; he wasn’t thinking clearly because he’d been knocked out…

            Before Kaidan was really aware of what was happening, he was left behind at the apartment as Dr. Chakwas arrived finally, but there was no time to look Shepard over before he easily pushed his way out the door and disappeared from view. The others hesitated momentarily, glancing at Kaidan because they seemed to know something was wrong, too. This wasn’t how Shepard normally behaved and Kaidan wasn’t sure if he was just simply angry with Kaidan, angry at the whole situation, or if the hooded figure had done something to him while Kaidan himself was unconscious.

            He had no way of finding out, though, because soon he found himself alone in the apartment, save for the presence of Dr. Chakwas who watched him worriedly.

            “You should sit down,” she said. “I heard you were attacked?”

            “Someone broke in,” Kaidan said, shaking his head. “But I’m fine, it’s… Shepard.”

            “He seemed fine to me,” she said, frowning at him.

            And Kaidan hesitated then, because why did he think something was wrong with Shepard? Physically the man appeared fine. He seemed a little more angry but that could simply be attributed to stress. He thought he was safe at the apartment, after all, but then someone broke in. Anyone would be a little upset and cranky about that. He snapped at Kaidan and left him behind but perhaps Kaidan himself did something wrong, did something to upset him.

            Maybe he’d been worrying too much. Maybe he’d been acting too ‘emotional’ in front of the others. He honestly had no idea.

            “Sit,” Dr. Chakwas said, breaking him from his thoughts as her hands landed on his shoulder, softly pushing him downward until he sighed and finally sat on the couch. Her fingers brushed through his hair. “Looks like it was a nasty blow.”

            He shrugged. “I guess. I don’t really remember.”

            Everything happened so fast, after all.

            Shepard’s shock when he saw the attacker’s face…

            “I think Shepard knew the attacker,” Kaidan said, it finally dawning on him. “He looked…”

            Shocked, more than anything. Confused. Not betrayed, though, so it wasn’t someone on the crew, thankfully.

            “I am sure he will tell you about it when he feels like it,” she said. “Now hold still, this might sting a bit.”

 

Dr. Chakwas told him to get some rest while Shepard and the others were out, but it was hard because his thoughts just kept wandering back to those cold blue eyes and the way Shepard snapped at him, threw him against the wall. Something was wrong with him but Kaidan had no idea _what_ , why he’d been left behind while the others got to go.

            Even if it was because he was ‘too emotionally involved’, he could have easily been put on one of the other teams instead of left behind completely. He wondered again what he did that could have offended Shepard so much that he’d act like this, but again he came up empty. He remembered the pancake, remembered the showing and lying in bed afterward. Remembered the easy closeness they shared only to have it be ruined by the attacker. Remembered Shepard’s face, shocked, confused… somewhat horrified?

            And then nothing but darkness until he woke later and found everything spiraling out of control.

            He had no idea what he did wrong or how to fix it.

            Where to even begin doing so.

            He wasn’t sure how long he lay there, tossing and turning, trying to follow the doctor’s orders, when he heard the apartment door open. He sighed, got to his feet and left the room, going downstairs to find the group in the living room. His gaze instantly sought out that familiar set of shoulders and found Shepard standing off to the side, talking with Brooks.

            He quietly approached them.

            “…hard to convince them,” Brooks was saying before Shepard’s eyes snapped toward him, seemingly cutting her off as she looked over at him too.

            He couldn’t help but feel as though he were intruding. It was a feeling he never expected to feel around Shepard, not after all they’d been through together, but it rose painfully in his chest and he swallowed thickly.

            “Hey,” he said somewhat weakly. “Can we talk?”

            “I’m kind of busy,” Shepard said, looking back at Brooks.

            Anger stirred in Kaidan’s gut and he snagged Shepard’s wrist. “We need to talk.”

            Blue flashed briefly around Shepard’s captured hand, leaving Kaidan instantly releasing it, taking a step back. “Fine, but it better be important, Major.”

            _Major_.

            _Why’s he keep calling me that?_

            Once upon a time Shepard told him he didn’t like it when people called him ‘Commander’, so why was he now doing the same thing to Kaidan? It left him feeling more than a little like he didn’t belong, like he was, again, _intruding_. Shepard had never once made him feel that way before, surprisingly, despite everything.

            He always made Kaidan feel welcome, like he _belonged_ …

            And now…

            That feeling was mysteriously absent and he didn’t know what to do as he led Shepard upstairs, away from the others so they could finally talk privately. He didn’t miss the way Brooks reached out and rested a hand on Shepard’s shoulder, her hold lingering even as the commander walked away.

            They entered the bedroom they’d been using the past few nights and Kaidan turned, facing the brunette.

            “I need you to tell me what’s going on,” he said, watching for any hint of that usual warmth in Shepard’s expression but again, it was all mysteriously absent and Kaidan didn’t know where he stood.

            “Nothing is going on, Major.”

            “Stop calling me that!”

            “Then what would you have me call you?”

            “My _name_ , for starters,” Kaidan said, watching him. “Why are you acting so…? So different.”

            Something flashed in Shepard’s eyes. “I’m not _different_.”

            _But you are, Ry… You are._

            “What’s going on, Ryan?”

            Blue blazed faintly around the commander and Kaidan growled.

            “Stop it! You know you’re not supposed to use your biotics.”

            “I’m not?” Shepard actually seemed confused about this, which left Kaidan staring at him.

            “You know you’re not,” he replied. “What’s…? What’s going on?”

            “Nothing. We’re just trying to figure out who is trying to kill me.”

            “Ryan…” Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly, taking a small step toward the commander, feeling grateful when Shepard didn’t step away. “Why are you being so distant?”

            “How am I distant?”

            “You won’t _talk_ to me, for starters,” Kaidan muttered, shaking his head. “And you left me behind, and-”

            “I see where this is going,” Shepard said, holding up a hand which clearly meant ‘stop talking’. Kaidan did so, snapping his mouth shut.

            “You do?”

            “Yes. I don’t know what you _thought_ was between us,” Shepard said, causing Kaidan’s breath to catch in his throat, “but you were mistaken, Major.”

            “Shepard, what are you…?”

            _What are you saying?_

            Doubt plagued his mind.

            “There’s _nothing_ between us,” Shepard said, gesturing back and forth between the two, voice calm like he _wasn’t_ crushing Kaidan’s heart. “It was just a game and I’m sorry you fell for it. Now, if you would, please, leave me alone, I have important work to do.”

            And with that Shepard turned. Kaidan watched him walk away a few steps before a growl caught in his throat and he lunged forward, snagging Shepard by the shoulder, turning him to face him because _no_.

            “What the hell are you saying?” he growled, glaring into those emotionless blue eyes, searching for _something_ , some sign of the man he knew, the man he loved. “Shepard, what’s wrong with you?”

            “Nothing’s wrong with me,” Shepard snapped, “and you have exactly three second before I throw you off.”

            Kaidan retracted his gaze only because he knew Shepard was serious, and him doing anything straining could potentially be detrimental to his health and Kaidan wouldn’t be responsible for that. Not even if Shepard’s words cut him to the core. Not even if Shepard…

            “Are you breaking up with me?” he asked, voice a quiet breath of air, tongue thick and heavy in his mouth. He felt sick even as the words tumbled out of his mouth but that smile Shepard flashed him, it was _wrong_ on so many levels and he couldn’t…

            “And the last horse crosses the finishing line,” Shepard said with that smile that was anything but warm, anything but how Kaidan was used to seeing him.

            “Shepard, what…? _Why_?”

            _What did I do wrong?_

            “I don’t have time for distractions,” Shepard said. “Are we done here?”

            “Are we…?” Kaidan echoed, like his world wasn’t suddenly falling down around him. And then Shepard was walking away again, and Kaidan didn’t know what to _do_.

            _No._

            He wasn’t going to let this happen, dammit, not without an explanation.

            He grabbed Shepard and spun him, pushing him against the wall all in one move as he stood there, pinning him, leaving him no room for escape. It reminded him of before, when they’d been about to shower together, and how happy he’d been then – how happy they’d _both_ been because no one could feign that reaction, could fake those kisses and looks and…

            All of those looks were strangely absent now as Shepard looked at him, eyes cold and unforgiving. Shepard had never _once_ looked at him like that before and the sight of it took his breath away, left him opening and closing his mouth as he struggled to find the words, find out how to _fix this_ …

            “Ryan, I…”

            “Let go, Major.”

            _Please stop calling me that._

            It was too formal, too distant and too _cold_ and all the things Kaidan never wanted to hear from Shepard.

            “Please,” he said quietly, silently searching Shepard’s eyes for a _hint_ of how they were only _yesterday_ , but again, everything was mysteriously absent.

            _No. C’mon. Shepard, please._

            He didn’t know what else to do, and irritation was crawling over Shepard’s features, so he leaned his head forward and forced their mouths together in a heated, desperate kiss, tongue gliding feverishly along the curve of lips that were not his own, hands gently sliding down those strong shoulders, down his arms and his sides and-

            Blue blazed around them and suddenly he was flying backward, the punch heavy and painful on his jaw as he hit the headboard and slid to the ground, watching as Shepard walked away from the wall and glared at him.

            Actually _glared_ , like Kaidan was the _enemy_.

            “Never do that again,” Shepard said, voice cold and low, leaving Kaidan flinching, “or I’ll have you court martialed. Do you understand, _Major_?”

            His vision blurred and he blamed it on the punch to his jaw, the pain lingering yet oddly welcome because at least it was a little distracting from that _other_ pain, the kind he couldn’t fight or fix. “Understood, Commander.”

            The words were sandpaper over open wounds but he forced them out anyway, and watched from where he sat on the ground, back leaning against the bed, as Shepard tossed him one last glare and walked away, finally disappearing out of the room.

            And then, like a kid, he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and buried his face in the darkness offered to him by his own pain.

            _What did I do wrong…?_

 


	10. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

 

For the first time in a long time, Kaidan returned to the Normandy’s Observation Room. He didn’t feel welcome in the apartment anymore, and even if he did stay there, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Shepard. It wasn’t his place – not anymore. The apartment wasn’t his, was only Shepard’s and Kaidan had no place there anymore, despite how much it twisted his gut to think about it.

            _He broke up with me._

            And he still didn’t know _why_. He kept running over the days leading up to this and he could find _nothing_ out of the ordinary, nothing that would send Shepard running in the opposite directions. Nothing that would have Shepard _breaking up with him_. And yet it happened he didn’t know what to _do_ …

            Didn’t know how to make it right, didn’t know if it was even possible…

            Shepard said it was a game and Kaidan fell for it, but that didn’t make any sense. That was really far to go for a _game_ , for a _joke_ , and no one could fake that sincerity Kaidan knew was there before the hooded figure attacked. Shepard could argue all he wanted but Kaidan knew the man wasn’t lying all those times they’d been together, wasn’t faking the sincerity in his words, in those vulnerable looks he’d given him.

            So if it was nothing Kaidan himself did and Shepard was only just now acting like this, it had to have something to do with that hooded figure. The attacker must have done something to Shepard. Half the time he seemed confused, like when Kaidan told him he wasn’t supposed to be using his biotics, so perhaps the attacker messed with his mind in some way.

            Honestly, it wasn’t that far of a stretch. Shepard had been controlled by Leviathan, and while Kaidan hadn’t been at the bottom of the ocean with him to see what that was like, he remembered the aftermath. The bloody nose, the pale skin, the chill of his body. It was possible for him to be controlled, maybe even brainwashed.

            Had Shepard been brainwashed?

            Honestly, at the moment, that was the only option that made a lot of sense. The sudden change in temperament, the moments of confusion… breaking up with Kaidan out of the goddamn _blue_ …

            Yeah. In a way, it made sense.

            So the attacker knocked Kaidan out and brainwashed Shepard… but why? For what purpose?

            And how could Kaidan fix it? Clearly kissing the man wasn’t the answer as that only seemed to make Shepard mad. How could he undo what the attacker did?

            _I have no idea…_

            But he had to try, for Shepard’s sake if not his own, because even though they’d only been together for a few weeks, it felt wrong to be without the man right now.

            _He broke up with you. Are you sure you want to help him?_

            _It wasn’t him,_ he told himself. _He’s being… controlled or brainwashed or something. It wasn’t him._

            _What if it was?_

            He honestly had no response to that.

            The sound of the door to the Observation Room opening was so startling Kaidan jumped and fell off the couch, slipping down between it and the wall, his view of the room’s intruder obscured.

            He wanted to tell them to get out, but as he was starting to get to his feet, he sank back down when he heard _his_ voice.

            _Shepard? What are you…?_

            “I think they fell for it,” Shepard was saying as Kaidan carefully peeked over the edge of the couch. Shepard and Brooks stood off on the far side of the room, facing each other, leaving only their profiles for Kaidan to study in the dim lighting of the room since he hadn’t actually turned the lights on when he came in.

            “Good,” Brooks said in response, nodding. “And what of the Major?”

            “He won’t be giving us any problems,” Shepard replied, and Kaidan felt something in his gut twist.

_Major. They’re talking about me._

“Are you sure?”

“Trust me, we don’t need to worry about him.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” Brooks asked, and her tone sounded far darker than Kaidan remembered. “He was closest to Shepard, he’ll know if anything’s off.”

Closest to Shepard.

Past tense, and why was she talking about Shepard like he wasn’t standing right in front of her?

“ _I’m_ Commander Shepard,” the commander all but snapped. “Not _him_.”

“Yes,” she agreed, tone almost placating as she rested a hand on his shoulder. “And doesn’t it feel good to be here instead of him?”

_What the hell are they talking about?_

Kaidan had honestly no idea but it sounded like Shepard… wasn’t Shepard. Not the one Kaidan knew and loved, anyway. How, though?

_Is he a robot?_

A robot Shepard? That just sounded absurd, and yet it would explain the cold look in those eyes, the harsh way he spoke. He wasn’t Shepard, at least not the one Kaidan knew so well.

“You should have killed the Major when you had the chance,” Brooks said. “It would have raised less questions. He’s going to know something’s wrong.”

Shepard shook his head. “Killing him would have made things more complicated. I would have had to mourn him, and I couldn’t care less if he died. That would only complicate matters.”

_Right. So. This is definitely **not** Shepard._

Of that, Kaidan was certain. But if it wasn’t him, then…

_Where’s the real Shepard?_

“Well, I hope you’re right and he doesn’t cause more trouble,” Brooks said, shaking her head. “Did you get into the archives okay?”

“Of course,” Shepard replied. “It pays to be the first human Spectre.”

“And you changed the bio signature to fit you?”

“Yes, it was very simple. Everything is going according to plan.”

Kaidan narrowed his eyes and hunkered down behind the couch when he heard them move toward the door.

_Not if I have anything to say about it._

He was going to get to the bottom of this, but first thing’s first.

_I need to find **my** Shepard._

 

            It was his first thought upon waking. Consciousness came slowly, pain a dull brush against the edge of his mind but it gradually became sharper until his eyes snapped open. Darkness surrounded him and he was aware of feeling hot and cold all at once.

            _Where am I?_

            Memories flittered across his mind, too quick to decipher. Worry, panic, then pain. Then nothing. He remembered nothing, didn’t know why he was here. Hell, it even took a moment to remember who he _was_.

            _I’m Commander Shepard. Right. I should probably get up._

            It was what was expected of him, after all. He never backed down, never gave in. To do so now wasn’t right. He could almost hear the chewing out he’d get from… from…

            There was a face hovering on the edge of his mind. Brown eyes, dark hair, familiar voice…

            _“What would you call me?”_

_“I dunno. Probably ‘K’.”_

_“That sounds like you’re agreeing with something.”_

            K.

            _Kaidan_.

            He remembered Kaidan. Warmth and light and worry all rolled into one. He saw him in ways no one else did – called him… what’d he call him? Not Shepard. Not Commander. He called him…

            _Ryan._

            He called him Ryan. His first name.

            And also a nickname.

            _Ry_.

            Kaidan gave him an identity other than that of being a commander. Gave him a life of his own.

            And his last memory was that of Kaidan. He remembered it now – remembered as though in slow motion as Kaidan was hit from behind, a harsh blow to the back of the head. Watched as Kaidan hit the ground on his knees, watched those worried brown eyes latch onto him before the fight left the sentinel completely.

            And he remembered looking at their attacker, blue blazing bright around those hands which were his and yet not his, remembered looking at himself staring back at him, except it wasn’t him at all because he would _never_ hurt Kaidan.

            And he remembered falling. Struggling to hold onto the side of the building, glass raining down on him in response of his efforts, and then nothing.

            _Need to get up._

            If he didn’t get up now he never would. And he needed to get out of here, get back to Kaidan, see if he was okay.

            _See if he’s still alive._

            The thought appeared unbidden and he gritted his teeth against such a notion.

            _No. He’s fine._

            Kaidan was always okay. He should have died on Mars but he pulled through just fine. Nothing could stop him, nothing could take him down. He was okay and probably waiting for him – for _Ryan_ – to get back.

            _“You fight as hard as you want, as much as you want… but you better come back to me in the end.”_

            _Right. I’ll try, K._

            So despite the pain and he dizziness he finally managed to sit up. From there he drew in deep gulps of air, fighting off the wave of nausea that slammed into him. His head throbbed sharply and his body echoed with the pain. He didn’t bother checking the injuries just yet though – seeing them would only make this more real, make him feel all the aches and pain that much more and right now he needed to _get up_.

            _Get up. Get back to Kaidan._

            That was what mattered right now. Nothing else.

            The pain, the injuries, what happened…

            All that mattered was Kaidan. He’d be very disappointed if he – Ryan – died down here, wherever he was. He at least owed it to him to make it back to him one last time. Then he could worry about the wounds but first he had to make it back to Kaidan.

            _I’m coming. Be okay._

 

            Not-Shepard and Brooks seemed to think the Observation Room was always empty and tended to stay there a lot. Kaidan managed to sneak out without being noticed and made his way off the Normandy, unsure where the others were or how he would even begin to tell them that this Shepard wasn’t _their_ Shepard. Would they believe him? He honestly had no idea.

            Like Brooks said, Kaidan was the closest to Shepard and even he had been fooled, if only briefly. Like him, the others might just assume Shepard was behaving differently simply because of stress because who wouldn’t be stressed under this situation?

            No, he’d have to gather proof on his own before he brought the others in on this. Right now it was just him, and the first step was finding the real Shepard.

            _His_ Shepard.

            _Ryan._

            And Kaidan prayed he was okay, that he hadn’t screwed up yet again by being fooled by this not-Shepard and that Shepard wasn’t dead somewhere. It would have been easy for this not-Shepard to overpower Shepard in their bedroom, he knew. Shepard had already been tired and weakened and unable to use his biotics without causing further harm to himself.

            ‘Getting rid’ of him would have been easy.

            And he prayed that Shepard still drew breath, wherever he was, because Kaidan was coming and he was going to find him. And then they could figure this out together, like always.

            _What if he’s dead._

            Kaidan swallowed at the thought.

            _He could be dead. He was already tired and weakened, Kaidan. It would have been so easy…_

            _No._

            He wasn’t going to think about that, dammit. He had to believe Shepard was still alive, that as Kaidan searched for him, the commander was fighting to get back to him.

            Because otherwise, what was the point?

            _Where should I start?_

            The apartment seemed like the best place to start. From what he could tell, he hadn’t been unconscious very long. Shepard would have fought this not-Shepard no matter how much like him it looked, so there had to be signs of a struggle _somewhere_. And he could go from there, as to where Shepard was now.

            He just hoped he wasn’t too late. Hoped he hadn’t been fooled for too long.

            He rode the elevator up to Shepard’s apartment and walked down the familiar hallway, looking this way and that for anything out of the ordinary. He found nothing there that resembled anything close to a fight or a struggle so obviously it hadn’t happened in the hallway.

            He knew not-Shepard and Brooks were on the Normandy so he wasted no time in easing his way into the apartment. One good thing about dating Shepard was the fact that he didn’t need to break in, even though this not-Shepard must not have realized that.

            Not-Shepard had plenty of time to clean up after Kaidan left the apartment, but he had to have missed _something_. He himself had only been unconscious for roughly thirty minutes, if memory served, and that wasn’t a lot of time to dispose of evidence.

            _Dispose of evidence._

            Because this _was_ a crime, and there could very likely be a _body_ involved, and…

            _No. He’s alive. Keep going._

            He swallowed and made his way upstairs, where he’d first gone unconscious. He looked all over the bedroom and came across a blood stain along the far wall, barely visible and only noticeable because Kaidan was looking for it. It had mostly been cleaned up but the not-Shepard had done a hurried, quick job of it.

            _Alright, there’s blood. Okay. He’s hurt._

            But thankfully there wasn’t a ton of blood, even despite the fact not-Shepard had tried to clean it up. It was easily survivable, especially when it concerned Commander Ryan Shepard, who never gave up. Who promised Kaidan he’d _try_ … promised him he’d _come back_ …

            Kaidan took in a breath and left the bedroom because there was nothing else to be found there. After rendering Shepard unconscious and/or immobile (and not dead because _no_ ), where would not-Shepard have taken him to get him out of sight before Kaidan woke up?

            He looked through the apartment but found no hint of blood anywhere except toward the window which covered one wall of the apartment. A knot formed in his stomach as he noticed the smudged fingerprints on the glass, evidence someone had used this window rather recently.

            He carefully pried it open and noticed a faint touch of blood on the window sill. That knot in his stomach tightened, dread filling him as he looked down at the incredibly long drop, unable to see the goddamn _ground_ from here, and if Shepard had really been thrown out the window…

            _He’s… no. No._

            But it was true because this drop was so much farther than falling through that damn fish tank at the restaurant. Kaidan still wasn’t sure how Shepard survived that but he managed to do so, but this… this was…

            _He’s gone._

            All the things Kaidan tried to shove away, all those doubt-filled thoughts, plagued his mind then and he found himself awash in a sea of uncertainty as he stared down at the drop from the window.

            _He’s gone._

            There was no way he could survive that goddamn fall, especially not when he was already weakened and hurt, and…

            _Oh, God. I’m sorry._

            He should have been stronger. A hit to the back of the head shouldn’t have rendered him unconscious. He was an Alliance soldier, the second human Spectre, after all – he should have been better than that! A blow to the head shouldn’t have taken him down like that, left Shepard vulnerable and open to attack, and…

            _I’m so sorry, Ryan, God…_

            His eyes burned but he blamed that on the light breeze filtering in through the open window. Even so he couldn’t bring himself to step away, look away, move from that spot because this was where it happened. This was where not-Shepard disposed of the real Shepard, _his_ Shepard.

            _This is where he died._

            Guilt was his first thought, followed by raw agony because Shepard was _gone_. Gone, gone, _gone_. Dead. There was no way he could have survived that fall in his weakened, vulnerable state and Kaidan should have _been there_ , should have been stronger because he _swore_ he wouldn’t let the commander out of his sight, wouldn’t let anything happen to him, and…

            _I failed. Oh, God, I failed. I’m sorry, so damn sorry, please…_

            He clenched his eyes closed, fighting that burning sensation behind his eyelids but it was _hard_ , dammit, because what was the _point_ …

            _He’s gone. He’s dead. I failed._

           Why bother doing anything else?

            _“Alright, K. I’ll do whatever I can to make it home at the end of the day.”_

            Except that wasn’t possible now, was it? Because Kaidan _failed_.

            _“I love you, Ry.”_

            He’d never get to say that again, would never get to see that tender smile spread across Shepard’s face in response even as he said he couldn’t say the words himself just yet.

            _“You’re gonna spoil me.”_

_“Boyfriend, huh?”_

_“And now you’re sticky too so you’ll have to join me.”_

So many memories from the past few days and yet they meant nothing now because it was all _gone_.

_“Where’d you go?”_

            _Nowhere. I didn’t go anywhere, Ry. You did._

            And he couldn’t blame Shepard for it. He knew without a doubt that Shepard would have fought tooth and nail until that final drop, knew that if he’d been awake he must have been filled with terror as gravity tugged him downward _again_ , just like with the fish tank, and Kaidan _wasn’t there_ …

            _“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”_

            _Yeah? Well I don’t know, either, Ry. I don’t know what to do._

            And he really didn’t. He didn’t know what to do next, whether he should break down and cry or somehow inform the crew that Shepard was _gone_.

            The bad guys won. They actually _won_. This not-Shepard managed to do what the Reapers, what Cerberus, couldn’t do.

            They killed Shepard. Took him from Kaidan, from everyone.

            And no one even knew it yet because of that not-Shepard walking around with his goddamn _face_ and his _voice_ and _no_ …

            The breath he released could have been a growl or a sob, he honestly didn’t know, but he finally managed to tear himself away from the window, hands clenching into fists at his sides.

            “You’re gonna goddamn _pay_.”

            Not-Shepard took him away. Kaidan was guilty of being weak and letting it happen, letting the man get the drop on him, but he’d make up for it.

            Even if it was the last thing he did, he was going to make this look alike _pay_.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

 

_Keep going._

            The voice in his head wasn’t his own, but that of Kaidan. Shepard pushed himself onward despite the fact each step was a jolt of agony shooting through him. Once again he tried his omni-tool but was out of medi-gel. He realized, on some level, he must have used it earlier because otherwise he very seriously doubted he would be alive at the moment.

            _Keep going._

            He had to keep going. Just because it hurt was no reason to stop, because he told Kaidan he’d come back. For once he had a reason to fight that was not centered around the fact that he was in the middle of a war. This reason was simple and yet so complex it took his breath away.

            There was light at the end of the tunnel, literally speaking. He wasn’t sure where he was but he was _safe_ , somehow. Safe because despite all the pain he didn’t find himself exactly on guard. And the pain was beginning to lessen and while he knew on some basic level that it wasn’t good to lose that feeling of pain, he also couldn’t help but feel _relieved_ because he could _breathe_ again.

            _Keep going._

            Kaidan would be mad at him if he stopped now.

            _Keep going._

            His leg refused to lift and he made the mistake of looking down the length of his body to investigate what was stopping him from continuing forward. The light around him now made the blood all too visible, made the jagged bone sticking out of his him that much more noticeable and all he could do was stare with this odd sense of detachment.

            _Oh well. Keep going._

            He told Kaidan he’d come back.

            _Keep going._

            He couldn’t let Kaidan down.

            _Keep going._

            But it was getting so hard…

            Now that he’d seen the wounds, the pain reignited anew through him, his veins the gasoline igniting the agony. He wasn’t aware he’d collapsed to his knees until he was coughing, one arm wrapped firmly around his middle but he refused to look down, refused to look at the damage because that only made it worse.

            _Keep going. C’mon – get up._

            But he was so tired…

            He’d walked so far already. Tried so hard. Now, as he leaned against a wall, his eyelids grew heavy and it was getting harder and harder to open them each time he blinked.

            _Get up._

            _I can’t… I’m tired._

_We’re all tired. Get up._

_Tired…_

_Get up, Shepard._

_Can’t I just…_

_Get up. Keep going._

            Kaidan’s voice in his head was very persistent about this, and so Shepard took in a slow breath and, using the wall as leverage, managed to make it back to his feet despite the burst of pain.

            Perhaps the pain was good, though, because it ignited his senses, waking him in a way nothing else could at the moment.

            Shakily, he lifted his omni-tool, trying once again to get through to anyone.

            “This is… Shepard,” he breathed, fighting back a cough. “Can anyone… hear me?”

            There was no response and he looked up.

            He was still too far down, too far away, to communicate with the others on a short range basis, then. He’d have to keep going, keep climbing. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was but he was alive, and that was something.

            _It’s a start._

            He took in a breath and tried to shove all thoughts of pain to the back of his mind.

            _I can do this._

_Keep going._

            Hand suddenly grasped his shoulders. The slight contact was enough to leave him tumbling over his feet, crashing back to his knees. Gasping for breath he looked up at the worried face of some human he didn’t know.

            “Jesus, sir, are you okay? Wait… you’re Commander Shepard!”

            _So loud._

            “Kaidan,” Shepard breathed, feeling his lungs clench with the effort.

            “I’ll contact the Normandy-” The man raised his omni-tool and Shepard watched as his hand lifted and stopped the man.

            “Kaidan,” he said again. “Get… Kaidan.”

            _Only Kaidan…_

            He had this odd feeling like, at the moment, Kaidan was the only one he could trust. There was a fuzzy memory of someone looking like him, attacking him, throwing him out the window where he struggled to hold on, break his fall in some way which would not be fatal…

            “Only Kaidan…”

 

Kaidan wasn’t sure what his plan of attack was but honestly he wasn’t thinking that far ahead. All he cared about at the moment was _revenge_. Not-Shepard killed him, killed _Ryan_ , and he was going to wipe that familiar face off that wannabe because he was _nothing_ like Shepard.

            _I’m sorry, Ry… so damn sorry._

            He’d fight harder, if he could go back and change things. Fight harder to stay awake, do something to get the attacker, not-Shepard, away from his commander, his _boyfriend_ …

            But it was too late, now. Too late to do anything, too late to change anything and he was out of second chances. He’d failed one too many times and now all he could do was take out the bastard who did this.

            His omni-tool beeped, signaling an incoming message. He wanted to ignore it because this was far more important than anything else anyone could try saying to him, but some part of him was running on auto-pilot and he opened the comm link.

            “Is this Spectre Kaidan Alenko?”

            The voice was male but unfamiliar.

            “Who wants to know?” Kaidan all but growled, because he didn’t have _time_ for this, dammit.

            “Look, sir, I just found him like this,” the man all but babbled. “He told me to only contact you and no one else but he looks like hell. I used medi-gel but I don’t know-”

            “What are you talking about?” Kaidan snapped.

            _Get to the goddamn point._

            “Commander Shepard,” the guy said quickly, and Kaidan’s whole body froze, inside and out. “I found him down here and he’s… he doesn’t look very good, sir.”

            “Shepard?” Kaidan asked, confusion filling his mind.

            _The not-Shepard, probably. Playing more tricks._

            Yeah. That had to be it. There was no way Shepard…

            _But… what if…_

            He took in a breath and scrubbed a hand over his face. “What were his exact words?”

            “He just kept saying ‘Kaidan’,” the guy said.

            _Shepard._

            Jesus Christ, it was…

            _No… that fall…_

            But…

            How else could this guy have gotten the signal for Kaidan’s omni-tool, specifically? Only members of the crew had it. Not-Shepard could have it, technically… but Kaidan couldn’t see him paying that much attention because he _won_ , dammit. He _won_ …

            Except…

            “I’m on my way,” Kaidan said, swallowing thickly.

            _If this is a trick…_

            His eyes narrowed.

            _I’ll kill him._

 

It was incredibly hard to stay awake, but he did so anyway, carefully fingering the bandages around his middle. The man who found him, a human named Tom, had given him a decent amount of medi-gel and Shepard would have to remember to thank him, but while that helped heal broken bonds, he’d still lost a lot of blood and everything was so _sore_ …

            Oh well, though. He could handle ‘sore’. He was Commander Shepard, after all – he was fairly used to having injuries and fighting for his life. What he _wasn’t_ used to was the fact that his look alike was the one to do this to him.

            He could still remember the sharp sting of the omni-blade as it rammed into his side. He’d managed to twist at the last second, minimizing the damage but the pain was still a shock to his system, momentarily disorienting him, but it was long enough that his look alike got the upper hand. By the time he knew what was happening, gravity as sharply tugging him down to his death.

            Except he didn’t die.

            He was still trying to get used to that.

            _I’m alive._

            He took in a breath and released it slowly, looking over at the bloody remains of his shirt which Tom had carefully ripped off in order to better see his injuries. Tom had basic medical training because he was in the Alliance and that was standard procedure for all soldiers, and had a hefty dose of medi-gel on hand which had instantly eased the hot rush of pain flooding his system.

            Currently they were down in the lower Wards, in Tom’s little apartment, if one could call it that. It basically consisted of two rooms and a bathroom, but maybe that was all that was needed.

            According to Tom, he’d gotten a hold of Kaidan, who was currently on his way. Shepard couldn’t wait to see him, see for himself the sentinel was okay, and try to figure out what the hell was going on.

            Surely Kaidan knew more than he did, after all. Shepard wasn’t even sure how long it’d been since the attack in the bedroom. A day, maybe? Yeah, that was what it seemed like. A day. A day of being ‘out of the picture’, so to speak. Of not knowing what was happening, being out of the loop. He hoped Kaidan had some answers.

            Either way he wanted to see him, answers or not.

           

Kaidan reached the apartment in the lower Wards easily enough, and didn’t tell anyone where he was going. If this was actually Shepard… _his_ Shepard, he didn’t want the look alike to accidentally find out and do something about it. If it was the look alike, playing some kind of sick, twisted joke on him…

            He was going to kill the bastard.

            Taking in a breath he knocked on the door to the apartment and waited impatiently. Finally someone answered the door, a man in his mid twenties with short black hair and sharp brown eyes which instantly widened when they saw Kaidan.

            “It’s you,” he said. “Spectre Alenko.”

            “Kaidan. And… is he here?”

            _Is Shepard here? The real one?_

            _Mine?_

            Tom nodded and gestured for him to enter. Kaidan did so quietly and looked around. The place seemed small and crowded but he didn’t see Shepard anywhere.

            “He’s back there,” Tom said, gesturing through a doorway. “I did what I could for him but I really think he should see a doctor.”

            “He’s hurt?”

            Kaidan couldn’t see not-Shepard harming himself simply to get to him.

            _Then maybe it’s…_

            “I honestly don’t know how he was even moving when I found him,” Tom admitted. “I used all the medi-gel I had and bandaged the rest, but I still think he should see a doctor. He was adamant that I only contact you, though.”

            Kaidan nodded slowly, letting everything sink in, before he quietly sidestepped the guy and headed in the direction he’d indicated.

            He pushed through the doorway and froze when tired blue eyes landed on him and a tired, relieved smile spread across that pale face.

            “Kaidan,” came the quiet, exhausted voice.

            _It’s him._

            There was no faking the emotion in those eyes, in that voice, and it was what had been mysteriously absent when not-Shepard had been talking to him and looking at him. It was everything Kaidan thought he’d never see again, and he moved forward in one quick movement, throwing his arms around the firm, _alive_ body in front of him.

            “Ryan,” he breathed, burying his face in the crook of that neck, the warmth of his skin sliding around him. “Ryan. It’s you. It’s _you_.”

            Shepard’s laugh was a warm rumble beneath him. “It’s me,” he said quietly. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

            “Me?” Kaidan pulled back, swallowing thickly. “Shepard, I thought you were _dead_.”

            He’d actually thought Shepard was dead. He _gave up_ on him…

            He sat on the edge of the bed next to Shepard, who watched him quietly, arms wrapped around his middle. Kaidan looked over him then, taking in the harsh bruises and the bandaging encircling his middle, lightly stained with blood.

            His fingers ghosted over the bandages. “How bad?”

            “I’m alive,” Shepard said. “That’s all that matters.”

            Kaidan nodded and released a shaky breath. “Jesus, Shepard. I thought you were…”

            “I know. I’m sorry. But I did say I’d come back, right?”

            The smile was weak and fragile and Kaidan couldn’t help but give into a faint laugh. “You did,” he said. “And thank you for… keeping your word.”

            “Well, I figured you’d be pretty mad at me if I didn’t.”

            _You have no idea._

            Kaidan wrapped an arm around the commander, lightly pulling him toward him until Shepard sighed and rested his head on the sentinel’s shoulder. “Never do that again, Ry.”

            “Wasn’t my idea.”

            “The attacker, he… he looks like you,” Kaidan said quietly, wondering if Shepard remembered. “He… He kind of has everyone convinced that he’s you.”

            “But not you, I take it?”

            “No. He broke up with me.”

            “What?” Shepard asked, lifting his head to look at him. “What an asshole! Yeah, we’re gonna kill him.”

            Kaidan breathed out a shaky laugh. “Oh, are we?”

            “Of course. This universe might explode if there were two of me.”

            Kaidan shook his head, watching those blue eyes soften.

            “I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d make it back to you,” he admitted quietly, and Kaidan swallowed thickly.

            “Well, you did.”

            _And you have no idea how grateful I am._

            He placed a gentle kiss to Shepard’s forehead before he sat back, sighing. “We need a plan, Ryan.”

            “We do.”

            “But first… you should really rest. I’ll call Dr. Chakwas, get her on our side.”

            She would know more than anyone if this was the actual Shepard, because she was always checking his injuries and cybernetics and everything. Perhaps that was why the not-Shepard had been quick to leave before she arrived, because he knew, on some level, that she would realize something was amiss.

            “Alright,” Shepard sighed.

            “Get some sleep, Ry,” Kaidan said quietly, watching him. “I’ll be here.”

            _Won’t let anything happen, I swear._

            He wouldn’t fail again, dammit.

            Never again.

            Shepard’s hand lightly brushed against his own. “Stay with me?”

            “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

 


	12. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

 

Kaidan kept watch just like he said he would. When Tom tried to enter the room – his own bedroom, Kaidan realized belatedly – he quickly inserted himself between the doorway and Shepard, who lay peacefully on the bed. If a growl escaped him he honestly wouldn’t be surprised. Tom easily backed off and left the room, and if he was offended by the action he didn’t show it.

            Kaidan sat next to Shepard on the bed most of the time, one hand gently resting on the vanguard’s shoulder, feeling the easy rise and fall of his breaths. Kaidan had administered what little medi-gel he had with him to help speed up the healing process and he hoped it helped, even if only a little.

            He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, keeping watch, waiting patiently for Shepard to wake up. He knew the commander needed the sleep, needed the rest. He was lucky to be alive and Kaidan still wasn’t sure how he was even laying there next to him, alive and whole and _not dead_. It was a miracle and he didn’t want to question it for fear the illusion would shatter and he’d be left alone.

            He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Shepard finally yawned and opened his eyes, instantly seeking him out. Hours, days – Kaidan had no real sense of time at the moment, because that didn’t matter when Shepard was somehow _alive_ next to him.

            “Hey,” he said quietly, looking down into tired blue eyes.

            Blue eyes that weren’t cold and unforgiving like the not-Shepard’s.

            “Hi,” Shepard replied, voice just as quiet as a slow smile worked its way onto his face. “You’re here. I thought it was a dream.”

            “Nope, I’m not a dream.” Kaidan smiled. “How do you feel?”

            “Better,” Shepard admitted. “Sore, but much better.”

            “How did you even…”

            “Survive?”

            Despite himself, Kaidan nodded because it was something he wanted to know even when he didn’t want to think about how close he came to losing Shepard _again_.

            Shepard pushed his elbows under him and sat up with a quiet groan, resting a hand against the bandaging across his middle. Kaidan found his own hand reaching out, lightly touching the bandages, a reminder of how close it had actually been.

            “I think I used a biotic charge.”

            The words were quiet and soft spoken. Kaidan frowned, looking at Shepard’s face to find the blue eyes trained on the bandages. “Biotics? Shepard-”

            “I’m not sure how, but I think that’s what I did. It’s kind of a blur. And I was a little shocked by the fact that I _stabbed myself_.”

            Kaidan snapped his mouth shut, frowning.

            Shepard shook his head. “Our lives are weird, K.”

            “Dr. Chakwas should be here soon,” Kaidan said. He’d left a private message for her telling her it was top secret and she couldn’t tell anyone where she was going, not even ‘Commander Shepard’. She’d reluctantly agreed but only if he promised to explain everything once she got there, which he definitely planned on doing.

            “Anyway. I think I used a charge and tried to cling to the side of the building. I don’t really know… it’s all kind of a blur,” Shepard admitted, finally glancing at him.

            Kaidan’s hand landed on Shepard’s own, resting over the bandaging, entwining their fingers until he wasn’t sure where his hand ended and Shepard’s began. “I’m glad you’re okay, Ry.”

            _More than glad._

            “So did the… _not me_ manage to fool you?” Shepard asked, watching him.

            Kaidan hesitated. “At first I… I didn’t think anything of it. Why would I? I just… I thought you, he, it… whatever. I thought it was just stress, that was why you were acting differently. But then… it just… got worse and you just didn’t seem like yourself.”

            “And I broke up with you.”

            Kaidan nodded slowly. “That, too. Which really didn’t seem like you. I mean – there was just no emotion. At all. Except maybe anger, and… well, that’s not you. Then I went back to the Normandy and not-you and Brooks came in and started talking about they… _got rid of you_ … and things like that.” He swallowed thickly, tightening his grip on that strong hand. “And I knew it wasn’t really you, and that you had to be out there somewhere… I hoped you were still alive.”

            _That I wasn’t too late._

            “Then I went back to the apartment and… saw where you’d been pushed out the window. I didn’t… think anyone could survive that.” He took in a slow breath. “I doubted you, Ry. And I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t be,” Shepard said. “I’m a little shocked I’m alive myself.”

            Kaidan nodded.

            “Did you say Brooks? She’s in on this?”

            “Yeah. Her and… not-you are working together. I don’t know why or what their plan is, but… they’ve kind of got everyone believing he’s you. And they… tried to get rid of you so you couldn’t say otherwise.”

            “Well, joke’s on them, it didn’t work,” Shepard muttered, shaking his head.

            “Yeah. I guess so.”

            _Except even I believed it… and I’m sorry._

            He should have known from the beginning that it wasn’t Shepard. There had been so many warnings, but honestly, who else could it be? If it looked like a Shepard, talked like Shepard… it was probably him, right? Except it wasn’t. It wasn’t Shepard at all.

            _This_ was Shepard, next to him. Tired and alive at his side.

            Looking back, there was no comparison. Everything about the not-Shepard screamed _wrong_ , but at the time he hadn’t known any better. Why would he assume there was someone out there that was Shepard’s look alike? Now he knew better, though.

            “How convincing is this guy?” Shepard asked.

            Kaidan sighed and shook his head. “Not very, but… no one ever thought you could have a… look alike.”

            “I see,” the commander murmured.

            There was a knock at the door which led into the room. Despite himself, Kaidan tensed and stood, moving to stand between Shepard and the door even as Shepard muttered a brief complaint at his ‘puppy guarding’.

            Dr. Chakwas was a welcome sight as she entered the room, quietly closing the door behind her. Kaidan relaxed and sat back down next to Shepard.

            “Commander,” Chakwas said, frowning at him, “what happened? Weren’t you on the Normandy?”

            “Yeah… about that…”

 

“That is a very intriguing story,” Chakwas said after Kaidan was done explaining.

            “It’s all true,” Shepard sighed, flinching slightly as the doctor added a bit of pressure to his middle.

            Currently Shepard was sprawled out on the bed with Chakwas sitting where Kaidan sat previously, hands lightly roaming across the commander’s body in search of hidden injuries. Kaidan himself stood off to the side, giving them room.

            “Well, that explains why you’ve been so disinclined to see me,” she said with a shrug. “Honestly, I should be used to things like this by now. Never a dull moment around you, Commander.”

            “I try,” Shepard said, rolling his eyes.

            “How is he?” Kaidan asked.

            “His wounds were severe but are healing nicely,” she said. “The bandaging isn’t particularly necessary at the moment though I would prefer he kept it on for the time being. Your energy reserves, on the other hand, are running low, Commander.”

            Shepard sighed. “Yeah, yeah, don’t use biotics, blah, blah blah.”

            “This is serious,” Kaidan said, narrowing his eyes at the commander even as Shepard tossed him a tired look of his own.

            “Same old, same old,” Shepard said. “I wouldn’t have used the biotics if it wasn’t necessary.”

            “I see that,” Chakwas said, “but you should at least be a little more concerned for your own well-being.”

            “That’s what I have all of you for.”

            Kaidan shook his head. “How is he, Doc?”

            “Thankfully he didn’t do anything too severe so his system is still fried but stabilized.”

            The sentinel breathed out a relieved sigh.

            _Finally, some good news._

            “However, I am going to say this again, Commander – no more biotics until I say otherwise. Understood?”

            “I’ll try,” Shepard said, shaking his head as he sat up, brushing her aside. “So what’s this not-me been doing?”

            “Something about the archives,” Kaidan replied. “He said something about changing a bio-signature.”

            “Crap. He’s stealing my life,” Shepard muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I bet he altered DNA samples or something like that. It’s going to be that much harder trying to prove that _I’m_ the real Shepard.”

            _Why would anything be easy._

 

The plan was simple, or at least, it was in theory. Talking about it and doing it were two entirely different things, though. And it all relied on Kaidan because it was agreed that the not-Shepard wouldn’t let Chakwas get anywhere near him because she might be able to easily see that he wasn’t the real thing. Kaidan, however, wasn’t perceived as a ‘threat’ because not-Shepard technically broke up with him. He thought that was the end of the story.

            That left it up to Kaidan to set their plan in motion.

            Shepard and Chakwas followed him onto the Normandy, Shepard in a borrowed black hoodie from Tom so no one could tell who he was. From there Kaidan was on his own until he rendered not-Shepard unconscious, which could be tricky.

            Things got even more complicated when he found not-Shepard in the war room with Garrus, Liara and Brooks.

            _Great. Nothing’s ever easy, is it._

            Not for him. Not for them.

            Not-Shepard looked at him as he entered the room, cold blue eyes narrowing in irritation, but he didn’t say anything about his presence. Instead he shifted his focus back to what he and Brooks were looking at, a holographic image of… Shepard’s apartment?

            “The attacker would have had to have come through the window,” Garrus was saying.

            _Great. They’re talking about the attack and it was not-Shepard who did it._

            Kaidan quietly stepped toward the group, easing his way around toward not-Shepard. Brooks was blocking him, though, and Liara was on Shepard’s other side. There wasn’t a clear angle, at least not one that he could use before the others caught wind of his plan and incapacitated him.

            He didn’t think they’d appreciate his ‘knocking the commander out’ plan. Especially when they still thought it was actually Shepard. He’d have to do it quickly and hope Dr. Chakwas and Shepard were ready to bail him out of jail, so to speak.

            Not-Shepard eyed him warily for a moment before he returned his focus to the holographic image.

            Kaidan anxiously fingered the syringe in his pocket. Dr. Chakwas assured him it would render not-Shepard unconscious in roughly three seconds. It could do little to shelter him from the fallout, though.

            He inched a little closer to the commander, now standing somewhat behind Brooks. So far no one noticed him moving. He took in a breath, calm and relaxing, before he sprung.

            He was on not-Shepard before anyone knew what was happening, stabbing that syringe into the imposter’s neck, injecting the liquid. Hands were suddenly on him as not-Shepard collapsed to the ground, the mixture working quickly. Garrus slammed him up against the wall while Liara and Brooks knelt next to not-Shepard, checking him over.

            “Kaidan, what are you doing?” Garrus growled, shaking him.

            “That’s not Shepard,” Kaidan replied, ears ringing from the way his head slammed back into the wall.

            “What are you talking about?” Garrus asked, confused. “Of course it-”

            “Kaidan’s right,” came the _real_ Shepard’s voice as he and Dr. Chakwas filed into the room, causing Garrus’s grip on Kaidan’s shoulders to go slack, releasing the sentinel.

            Liara stood, shocked, while Brooks was tossing him murderous looks.

            “That’s not the real Shepard,” the commander said, taking off his hood. “I am. Brooks has been lying to you.”

            Brooks released a sound which might have been a shout or a snarl and lunged at Shepard, the quick glow of her omni-blade her only sign of attack.

            Kaidan moved before he knew what he was doing, sliding between her and Shepard. There was the sharp pain of her blade pressing through the soft flesh of his stomach, twisting in all its glory, before she ripped it out and lunged past him as he went to his knees.

            “Kaidan!”

            Warm hands grabbed at his face, twisting his head so he looked into those worried blue eyes.

            “Kaidan, stay with me. K?”

            His vision blurred and he felt so _tired_ …

            His hands found the gaping hole in his stomach and he looked down at the blood.

            “Hey, no, no, look at me,” Shepard said quietly, hands brushing against his cheek, “look at me, K, only at me. You’re gonna be _fine_ , okay? Kaidan?”

            Heavy eyelids closed, unable to stay open any longer.

            “ _Kaidan_ , no, hey! Look at me!”

            He tried, tried to open his eyes, do what that voice was saying but it was so _hard_ …

            Darkness clouded his mind and he knew no more.

 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

 

_Kaidan’s dying._

            In the midst of all the chaos, Brooks managed to get away and Kaidan lay bleeding out on the floor, in Shepard’s arms as he did all he could to stop the bleeding but it just wasn’t enough. The hole, the wound, was large and jagged where Brooks twisted the blade once it was secured in his flesh and the blood just kept pouring out and he didn’t have any medi-gel.

            _Stay with me._

            Hands that were not his own covered the wound and he looked up to find Dr. Chakwas kneeling next to him. His mouth went dry, tongue sticking to the roof of it as he struggled to find the words.

            “Help him,” he managed to whisper.

            _Help him. Save him._

            “Help me get him to med bay,” she said. Garrus and Liara were at his side in an instant, carefully lifting the sentinel’s motionless form between them, careful not to jostle him in any way. Shepard’s hands remained over the wound, along with Chakwas’ hands, as they began carrying him out of the war room.

            _Stay with me, Kaidan._

            He could see the blue tinge to Kaidan’s lips, hear the stutter of his breaths, feel the blood thick and heavy on his hands as he tried to keep the liquid life inside the sentinel’s body, where it belonged.

            He wished he had medi-gel – wished _any_ of them had medi-gel but foolishly, they’d wasted it on _him_ back in Tom’s apartment. The others weren’t equipped with it because this was the Normandy, at the Citadel, and it should have been _safe_. It was never safe, though.

            They’d never expected Brooks to snap and do _this_. Sure, she was working with the… _not-him_ , but that didn’t mean she’d go crazy and do this, stab Kaidan who foolishly jumped in front of her intended target, _him_. That blow was meant for _him_ and now Kaidan was dying.

            _Don’t let him die._

            If he died simply because Chakwas had used her medi-gel on Shepard… he’d never forgive himself.

            _Shouldn’t waste it on me, dammit._

            Finally they made it to med bay.

            Just as Kaidan’s staggered breaths suddenly cut off and an uneasy silence surrounded them.

            “Kaidan!” Shepard growled, glaring down at those blue lips, that pale face which shouldn’t have been so damn pale because this was all so damn _wrong_ , and that blow was meant for _him_ …

            They put Kaidan’s limp, breathless body down on one of the beds and Chakwas shooed everyone out. Garrus and Liara reluctantly left but Shepard couldn’t move, refused to leave Kaidan in his time of need because the sentinel had been there for him so many times already. He couldn’t abandon him now, not when he was…

            _Dying_.

            “He’s not breathing,” he said, like the doctor had no idea.

            “I’m working on that,” she promised him, searching through her equipment. “Blood is leaking into his lungs, I need to drain it.”

            The reached for some kind of clear tube and a large, thick needle. She also grabbed a decent amount of medi-gel which she added to her omni-tool, grabbing her equipment before she hurried toward the two of them.

            Shepard wasn’t sure how long it had been but Kaidan still wasn’t breathing, and he knew that these minutes were precious and would determine if the sentinel would live or not.

            _Don’t you dare die on me, you idiot. Not after being such a hypocrite._

           

            Shepard tiredly walked out of med bay nearly an hour later, once Kaidan was stabilized using more primitive methods since they were running rather low on medi-gel. He was alive, though, and Dr. Chakwas assured him he would make a full recovery and would probably wake up in the next few hours. In the meantime she ordered him to leave the med bay because hanging around wasn’t going to help either of them, and he did have other things to do at the moment.

            Such as the fact his look alike was there next to the elevator, still unconscious and being held up by Liara and Garrus. Not-him had his hands bound behind his back with glowing orange ropes, worked into Liara’s omni-tool which glowed down her forearm.

            “What do you want us to do with him?” Garrus asked.

            Shepard growled at the sight of the look alike. He was responsible for all of this, indirectly responsible for Kaidan’s injuries and the fact Brooks got away. “Put him in the shuttle bay, I guess. Constant surveillance. I want to know the moment he wakes up.”

            “Understood,” Garrus said. “How’s Kaidan?”

            “Alive,” Shepard sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Stable, for now. We need more medi-gel.”

            _Because for some reason everyone keeps wasting it on me._

            Garrus and Liara hauled the look alike into the elevator while Shepard fought the urge to return to med bay and keep an eye on Kaidan.

            He couldn’t do that just yet because Brooks got away and she was somewhere out there.

            He still had work to do.

 

_Goddamn it._

            Not only had Brooks escaped, but apparently his look like woke up, killed the tech watching him, and escaped as well. Now they were both out there somewhere, aware that Shepard was alive and looking for them, and he had no way of finding them at the moment. He was out there with Shepard’s face and apparently his bio markings because of what he did in the archives, so he could easily pass as Shepard to passersby. No one would question him.

            Shepard growled and scrubbed a hand over his face from where he sat next to Kaidan’s bed in med bay. It had been three hours since the sentinel started breathing again, since Dr. Chakwas assured him Kaidan would be fine. That didn’t stop Shepard’s hand from grasping the sentinel’s and holding onto it tightly, thumb lightly rubbing its way across his knuckles.

            Maybe he would feel better about everything if Kaidan would just wake up, but somehow he very seriously doubted it. His look alike was still out there, Brooks got away, and he honestly didn’t know what to do next. He was still weakened, unable to use his biotics without risking further injury, not to mention a tongue-lashing from Kaidan. His look alike was in better physical health at the moment and he knew he wouldn’t win in a one-on-one fight with him, not right now.

            He couldn’t ask anyone else to go up against him, though.

            Brooks and his look alike were dangerous.

            The hand he held in his grasp lightly squeezed, causing him to look down at the pale face and tired brown eyes looking back at him.

            A tired, weak smile spread across his face. “Hey, K, you’re awake.”

            “Ryan,” Kaidan murmured in response, and Shepard sighed at the familiar warmth that spread through him each time the sentinel used his name. “What… happened?”

            “Brooks stabbed you,” Shepard replied. “You decided to be an idiot and take the hit for me.”

            Those brown eyes widened marginally. “You okay?”

            “I’m _fine_ ,” he said, shaking his head. “You took the blade, not me. How do you feel?”

            “Tired,” Kaidan admitted, eyes barely parted. “Sore.”

            “I’ll bet. You scared the hell out of me, by the way.”

            “Payback’s a bitch.”

            Shepard laughed despite himself, squeezing that hand he still held firmly in his grasp. “I guess so. Brooks got away, and so did my look alike.”

            “Got away?” Kaidan echoed, frowning. “How…?”

            “Brooks stabbed you and got away in the chaos that followed,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “And my look alike… killed the tech who was supposed to be watching him, and escaped after he woke up.”

            “Great,” Kaidan muttered.

            “Tell me about it. Looks like you got stabbed for nothing.”

            “Not nothing,” the sentinel said quietly, watching him.

            Shepard swallowed. “Don’t do that again. You almost died on me.”

            “Now you know… how I feel.”

            “I’m serious, Kaidan.”

            “So am I.”

            Shepard took in a slow breath and nodded. “I’ll try to be more careful if you promise to never jump in front of me like that again.”

            “Couldn’t let her get you.”

            “Yes, you could have. You should have.”

            “No. Would have… hurt you. Maybe killed…” Kaidan’s eyes slid closed, a quiet breath escaping him.

            Shepard shook his head, lifting that hand he still held in his grasp, lightly kissing the knuckles. Brown eyes slid open and looked at him again. “Dr. Chakwas says you’re gonna be fine, K. Be back on your feet in no time.”

            “That’s good,” Kaidan breathed tiredly.

            “Yeah. Get some sleep, K. I’ll be here.”

            “Yeah?” The voice was tired, full of exhaustion, but still hesitant just the same.

            “Yeah,” Shepard replied quietly. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

 

Kaidan woke sometime later, a dull ache echoing through him, but otherwise he had to admit he felt much better. Exhaustion still weighed heavy in his limbs but it wasn’t as bad as before. His mind wasn’t nearly as hazy. He looked over to find Shepard asleep next to him, slumped over in the hard plastic chair next to the bed, his hand lightly grasping Kaidan’s.

            _Looks like our roles reversed._

            Kaidan lightly squeezed Shepard’s hand and eased himself into a sitting position, careful not to wake the brunette because he knew Shepard needed his sleep too. After all, he wasn’t completely healed, and Brooks tried to stab him…

            Kaidan would never let that happen, though. He had to jump in the way because in his already weakened state, who knew how bad that could have ended had he not done anything? If he let Brooks stab Shepard?

            Hell no, he would never let that happen, not if he could stop it. He’d take the blow again if it meant keeping Shepard safe.

            At least now, maybe Shepard knew how he felt when he kept taking all those risks. Maybe now he’d stop doing it so much, but Kaidan very seriously doubted it. To do so would mean he’d stop being Shepard, and Kaidan loved him as he was, faults and all.

            Brooks and not-Shepard got away, Kaidan remembered. He wasn’t happy about this, especially since he got stabbed in the aftermath of taking not-Shepard down, but they’d get them again. They couldn’t hide for very long with the whole crew of the Normandy looking for them.

            He had no doubt that they’d find them, but their shore leave had been efficiently ruined. The time they were supposed to spend resting and relaxing was now being spent hunting down potential murderers. Brooks almost killed Kaidan and not-Shepard almost killed Shepard. Thankfully neither of them had succeeded.

            There was still hope, then. Perhaps he could convince Hackett to give them another two weeks of shore leave to make up for the time they’d already lost, the time they were going to spend hunting down those two. Shepard could use the rest now more than ever if those rings under his eyes were anything to go by, and Kaidan wasn’t feeling too hot himself right now.

            He somehow doubted Hackett would go for it, though. Even if he did, a part of him knew Shepard would refuse, even if it was enforced. He’d given it a chance and thus far it had only backfired on them in ways neither of them could have previously imagined.

            Kaidan scrubbed his free hand over his face, feeling the sharp stab of his growing stubble. He really needed to shave – so did Shepard, by the looks of it. Without thinking he reached out his free hand and ran it along the commander’s sleeping face, rubbing faintly against the stubble found there, feeling the warmth beneath his touch.

            Shepard’s eyes opened and he quickly retracted his hand, watching as those blue eyes followed the movement before looking at his face. “Hey,” he said quietly.

            “Hi,” Shepard replied with a yawn, sitting up, giving Kaidan’s hand a quick squeeze. “How do you feel?”

            “Much better,” Kaidan said truthfully.

            Shepard nodded. “Glad to hear it.”

            “You?”

            “I’m fine.”

            “I thought we agreed you don’t know the meaning of the word,” Kaidan said, shaking his head.

            Shepard rolled his eyes. “I’m not the one who _stopped breathing_.”

            Kaidan frowned. “I stopped breathing?”

            “ _Yes_. That’s not very nice, you know – you’re not supposed to stop breathing when your boyfriend’s holding you.”

            The sentinel swallowed thickly. “Sorry.”

            “Not your fault. Just… don’t do it again.”

            “Any word on not-you and Brooks?” Kaidan asked, opting for a change of subject.

            Shepard shook his head. “Not yet. But I’m sure they’ll turn up. The whole crew is looking for them.”

            Kaidan nodded. “Good.”

            The two sat in a comfortable silence for a moment, before the med bay doors slid open to reveal Garrus.

            “Good to see you’re awake, Kaidan,” he said with a nod, before he looked at Shepard. “We found them.”

            Shepard jumped to his feet. “Where?”

            “An alarm sounded in the shuttle bay about ten minutes ago. It seems they’ve broken in.”

            “Broken in?” Kaidan echoed, frowning.

            Garrus’s gaze focused solely on Shepard. “It seems they’ve come for you, Commander.”

            Shepard’s expression darkened, a veil going down over that familiar face, his hand easily slipping from Kaidan’s.

            “Shuttle bay, did you say?”

            “Yes, Commander. But it’s clearly a trap. I haven’t been able to get in contact with anyone down there. All communications are offline.”

            _That really doesn’t sound good._

            Shepard took in a breath and released it slowly. “Alright. Let’s go give them a show, I guess.”

            _Wait, what?_

            “Shepard,” Kaidan hissed, reaching out to recapture that hand, stopping the commander from walking away. “Are you crazy? This is just what they want!”

            “They’re dangerous, Kaidan,” Shepard said quietly, watching him. “I need to deal with them.”

            “Not like this,” Kaidan snapped, glaring. “You’ll be killed!”

            He was already weakened, after all.

            Shepard sighed and looked at Garrus. “Go tell the others to meet me in the war room. I’ll be there in a few.”

            Garrus nodded and left the two of them alone.

            Shepard finally turned back toward Kaidan, walking back toward the bed, sitting on the edge of it. “I have to go.”

            “No, you don’t. This is suicide!” Kaidan said, shaking his head. “You’re already hurt, Ryan – they’ll… They’re dangerous.”

            “I know,” Shepard said quietly, allowing his free hand to lightly brush against the side of Kaidan’s face. “Which is why I have to do this. I can’t ask anyone else to do it.”

            “Shepard, this is-”

            “Sorry, K,” Shepard said quietly, getting to his feet, slipping away from him. Kaidan held tight to that hand, refusing to let go, let him walk away.

            “I’m not letting you do this.”

            _It’s suicidal. You’ll…_

            He’d be killed. After everything, he wasn’t going to let that happen.

            “I’ll be okay.”

            “That’s a lie and you know it,” Kaidan snapped. “Just… send someone else. Call for back-up.”

            “You heard Garrus,” Shepard said quietly, calmly, “communications are offline. It’s just us, Kaidan. There’s no back-up.”

            “Ryan, don’t do this.”

            _If you do, you’ll…_

            If he did, he’d be killed because he was already hurt and couldn’t use his biotics. The look alike clearly could and would have that advantage against him. Not to mention there was Brooks…

            “I’ll come with you.”

            Shepard’s eyes narrowed. “No, you won’t,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re going to stay here in this bed. I’m going to have Garrus keep an eye on you.”

            “I don’t need to be guarded.”

            “I can’t trust you to stay put, Kaidan.”

            “That’s because this is crazy! You’ll be killed!”

            _And I can’t let that happen, Ry, not after everything._

            Shepard silenced him then, his mouth pressing against Kaidan’s. The kiss was feverish and anything but calm, Kaidan trying to use it as leverage, get a better grip on the commander so he could physically keep him here where it was _safe_ , at least much safer than it was in the shuttle bay, where Brooks and not-Shepard were waiting for him.

            He felt the sharp sting of something poking through the skin of his neck and watched, almost detachedly, as Shepard put the syringe aside, pulling away. Kaidan’s vision blurred as he struggled to keep his grip tight on Shepard’s hand but already he could feel his fingers uncurling.

            _No. No, don’t do this, you idiot._

            “Please,” he breathed, exhaustion winning out throughout his body, dark spots flashing before his eyes. “Don’t do this, Ryan. Don’t…”

            _Don’t give him what he wants. Don’t do this…_

            Shepard’s mouth was warm and firm against his but exhaustion won out before he could kiss back, could say or do anything more to keep Shepard there with him.

            His body betrayed him, then, and let him slip into unconsciousness as Shepard stepped away.

 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

 

Shepard hated doing that to Kaidan, but it was the only way to make sure the sentinel stayed put and rested like he was supposed to. He couldn’t let Kaidan join him in the fight because he himself wasn’t entirely sure he would come out of it, let alone Kaidan who _stopped breathing_ on him not that long ago.

            No, he couldn’t risk it and he wouldn’t let Kaidan risk it either.

            As much as he told Kaidan he rarely went into a fight thinking he wouldn’t come back, this was one of those rare few times. He knew Kaidan knew that on some level, which was why he tried to fight with him, but in the end Shepard couldn’t let him risk his own life simply for him.

            He couldn’t let his crew do this, after all. It had to be him. Him against his look alike, even if it killed him, because he couldn’t force someone else to do it. He knew firsthand how powerful his look alike was – it was _him_ but without any of his restrictions. He doubted his look alike would care if he was cutting into Garrus or Kaidan, and Shepard couldn’t let that happen.

            No, it had to be him, no matter the outcome. He hoped that somehow, someway, Kaidan would someday understand that. If not… well, at least he’d be alive. Shepard would make sure of that.

            He’d told Garrus to watch Kaidan and make sure no one made it into med bay. If it looked like Shepard Garrus was to ask him a series of questions to determine if it was the look alike or actually the commander. Either way, Kaidan was being guarded. Shepard hoped it would be enough, but he didn’t plan on letting Brooks and his look alike past the shuttle bay. If they wanted a fight, he’d give them one, and hope it was enough time for the rest of the group to come up with a plan, a way to contact the Council or something.

            He just needed to buy them some time – he didn’t need to actually _win_.

            Except he wanted to win. So badly, because Kaidan would be there waiting for him. Kaidan would bring him back just to kill him again if he died during this fight, if he didn’t fight tooth and nail to get back to the sentinel in one piece, like he promised.

            He wanted to win…

            But he was already so _tired_ , and there was only so much one person could go through before they finally lost the fight. He didn’t have much else to give, honestly.

            Except Kaidan.

            He would fight for Kaidan, to see him again, keep his promise and apologize for sedating him. He’d fight for that.

            He took in a breath and decided to take the elevator down. Perhaps it would be more straightforward and they wouldn’t expect him to use the simple way in. He might catch them off guard or he might walk into a large trap, like Garrus said. Either way, he could keep them busy long enough for the others to come up with something.

            Somehow, he doubted it would be simple. He doubted his look alike and Brooks were down there alone – Garrus wouldn’t have made such a fuss about it if that was the case.

            The elevator stopped suddenly, causing him to shift uneasily because he knew this was not the shuttle bay, but deck three, where Kaidan was in med bay. He was going to the shuttle bay from deck two.

            The doors opened to reveal Tali and James, weapons at the ready as they moved to join him in the elevator.

            “What the hell are you doing?” Shepard growled, glaring at them.

            “Saving your ass, Loco,” James replied.

            “Going down?” Tali asked, pressing the button for deck five, the shuttle bay.

            Shepard shook his head. “You know this is probably a trap, right? We’re going to be walking into their waiting hands.”

            “All the more reason not to go alone, Loco,” James said with a shrug. “And Indigo would never forgive us if we let anything happen to you.”

            Shepard took in a breath and released it in a quiet laugh. “Is that so, Lieutenant?”

            “Affirmative.”

            “Alright then. Let’s give them hell.”

 

Kaidan’s return to consciousness was quick and frantic, his last thoughts that of desperation. He came awake with a gasp, instantly sitting up. A hand kept him from leaping out of bed and he followed it up to find Garrus watching him, standing next to the bed.

            “Where’s Shepard?” Kaidan demanded.

            _Tell me he didn’t… tell me he’s not…_

            “You should lay back down,” Garrus said instead of answering, and that told him everything he needed to know.

            “Goddamn idiot,” Kaidan growled under his breath as he threw his legs over the side of the bed, Garrus’s hand be damned.

            There was a sudden jolt as the Normandy lurched forward, taking off from the docking bay, and Kaidan blinked in confusion, glancing at Garrus. The turian seemed just as shocked as him, which only made things worse.

            “I take it this isn’t a planned departure.”

            “You would be correct,” Garrus said.

            “So… did Brooks and the other Shepard get control of the Normandy?”

            “I have no idea. I haven’t seen anything out of the ordinary on this deck.”

            “What about Shepard? Where’s he?”

            “He, Tali and James went down to the shuttle bay about an hour ago,” Garrus admitted quietly. “I haven’t heard from them in the past half hour. Your guess is as good as mine.”

            Kaidan took in a breath and nodded. “Alright, so… I guess we take the Normandy back first.”

            Even though he wanted to go to the shuttle bay and find Shepard, fight with him, make sure everything was okay…

            But no, right now he knew the Normandy came first because if something happened to it, they were all dead.

            “Joker would never let someone fly this thing.”

            “Joker isn’t here at the moment,” Garrus said. “He and Cortez took a shuttle out earlier, looking for Brooks and Shepard’s look alike. We haven’t been able to contact them since communications went offline. We only have very short-range radio contact at the moment, and I can’t even contact shuttle bay right now.”

            _Great. Just freaking great._

            Could nothing ever go right? Why did things like this always have to happen to them?

            _We must have been horrifying cruel to puppies in a past life._

            He took in a breath and lightly eased away from Garrus’s hand. “We need to find out what’s going on. No time to make me rest.”

            “Shepard gave me very clear orders, Kaidan.”

            “Yeah? Well…” He swallowed, averting his gaze to the ground. “He could be dead right now. Are you really that worried? A madman might have control of the Normandy.”

            Garrus hesitated only very briefly, the soldier in him understanding the severity of the situation. “Alright, lead the way.”

 

It was a battlefield in the shuttle bay. Shepard looked angrily at his last remaining clip of ammo for his rifle, deciding to go ahead and switch to his heavy pistol for the time being. Next to him, hunkered behind cover, was Tali, using her shotgun and her combat drone which was actually working wonders with its long range rockets. It at least got the focus off of them for a little while.

            Shepard wasn’t entirely sure where James was but he knew the man was still alive, still fighting, even though he couldn’t physically see him at the moment. He could hear his frag grenades going off every so often, one time startlingly close to him and Tali. Thankfully James seemed to realize that was where they were taking cover because he didn’t throw or shoot in their direction again.

            He wasn’t sure where his look alike was, or even Brooks for that matter. Right now he was worried about the other men they brought with them, the people with those horrible blue shields. If he could use pull, it would be easier to deal with them – sure, their armor was tricky to get through, but that shield was the main part of their problems. Using pull would definitely relieve them of their shields, but unfortunately he was the only one who could do such a thing and he wasn’t supposed to use his biotics.

            This did not stop him from doing so.

            He’d already accepted this could very well be a suicide mission in the state he was in – why not do everything he could before his luck ran out?

            He tried to only use his biotics when really necessary, though. Like when those shield people were literally right on top of them – he’d relieve them of their shields and Tali would use her combat drone. James would use carnage and they’d be dealt with rather quickly.

            Exhaustion weighed heavy in his limbs, reminding him that he was overdoing it, and he could almost hear the chewing out he’d get from Kaidan… if he made it back to him.

            He’d call him reckless again, and berate him and scold him but then kiss him and hold him because that was what they did – they yelled because they cared but in the end it all came down to how they felt about each other.

            The jolt of the Normandy as it took off was unsettling because he knew Joker and Cortez weren’t here at the moment – they’d gone out looking for Brooks and the look alike on their own, in a private, red shuttle. So who was driving the ship, and why?

            The only thing that made sense was that somehow, Brooks and his look alike, or someone on their team, had gotten to the pilot area and had taken control of the ship. This did not bode well for any of them, and he couldn’t help but worry about Kaidan and Garrus on deck three, wondered if they were okay, if he’d somehow inadvertently led to Kaidan’s death because he sedated the man and left him vulnerable to attack.

            _Please don’t let that be the case._

            He sedated Kaidan to keep him _safe_ , not…

            Not for him to be helpless and vulnerable to attack.

 

EDI was offline, they learned on their way to deck two. So were the elevators. There was no easy way down or up in levels, no easy way to the cockpit or down to Shepard.

            Luckily Kaidan knew a ‘back door’ from helping work on the original Normandy, and this ship was designed to be similar to that one. Plus he was, once upon a time, a co-pilot of sorts. It was his job to know the ship he was serving on, so he easily found the hatch which led through the levels. From what he’d heard, Joker used them to get to EDI’s AI core when the Collectors attacked the ship.

            Now he used it in a similar way, to get to deck two even though he wanted to go down to deck five and jump into the fight, make sure Shepard and the others were okay…

            _Later,_ he told himself. _Ship first, it saves everyone. Then help Shepard._

            It went against everything he wanted to do but he did it anyway, and led the way up.

 

The sound of a biotic charge was the only warning Shepard got before his look alike hit him head on, ‘teleporting’ through his cover and ramming into him, knocking him out of it. Bullets flew past his head and he hurriedly jumped to the side as his look alike used a nova. Shepard brought his pistol up, firing at the look alike but he had a decent amount of armor and barriers, easily block the shots from hitting his vulnerable flesh.

            Shepard rolled away from the next biotic charge and nova combo, his barrier taking a hit as bullets whizzed past him. He hurriedly hid behind cover again, firing blindly at his look alike as his barrier fixed itself.

            This time when the look alike charged at him, Shepard was ready, knew what to expect.

            He used a nova just as the look alike got to him, causing the not-Shepard to stagger back a step. He then brought his gun up and shot at him as Tali’s combat drone appeared behind his look alike. His look alike quickly used medi-gel, healing what little damage they’d managed to deal to him.

            _I am an asshole,_ Shepard thought, growling under his breath.

            Two more shielded people were heading toward his cover as he peeked around the corner.

            _Goddamn it._

            The Normandy lurched to the side then, causing him to go tumbling out of cover, practically sliding across the ground, back toward Tali.

            _The hell is going on?_

            Thankfully the shield guys were knocked off balance and Tali promptly began shooting them in the face with her shotgun, a defense drone fluttering around her.

 

There were three hostiles in the cockpit of the Normandy. Kaidan took in a breath, summoned his biotics, feeling his amp flare at the base of his head, and used reave on two of them while Garrus used a concussive shot on the third man. Within minutes they had the three down, unconscious.

            The Normandy started to lose altitude, then, a sharp nose dive.

            Kaidan quickly slid into the co-pilot’s seat where EDI usually sat, and where he used to sit once upon a time. Frantically he summoned his co-pilot training and brought up the nav system as Garrus desperately clung to the back of his chair.

            “Get this thing straight!” the turian said.

            “I’m trying!” Kaidan growled back.

            Flying the Normandy was one thing – pulling it out of a nose dive in the middle of the Citadel, buildings rapidly coming up on them, was another matter entirely.

            He did manage to pull it out of the nosedive, though, and turned them around so they were heading back toward the docking bay. At least there it would be safe… well, safer, than it was flying around out here with hostiles on the ship.

            Once the ship was safely back in the docking bay, he could finally go help Shepard.

            _You better still be alive, you reckless idiot._

 

Sweat dripped down Shepard’s brow, arms shaking with the energy it took to hold his rifle up. This was his last clip of ammo and he needed to make sure it counted, because after that… he’d have to resort to using only his biotics, which he’d been trying to keep from doing despite the fact his look alike _loved_ using his biotics against him.

            Not-him had to be running out of medi-gel. How many times had he healed himself? Five? Six? Shepard honestly couldn’t remember. He’d kill for just _one_ thing of medi-gel at the moment but that didn’t seem to be an option.

            “Shepard… you’re kind of an asshole to fight,” Tali breathed from where she knelt next to him, completely out of ammo and down to using her combat drone exclusively.

            “Noted,” Shepard grunted.

            He didn’t hear the biotic charge until it was too late, until he’d been rammed into by his counterpart, groaning as he all but doubled over, reserves dry. Tali’s combat drone appeared behind his look alike and Shepard dove to the side as it fired its rockets, the explosion of impact knocking him off his feet. He jumped up only to be charged into again.

            He barely made it out of the nova’s range. Summoning his strength he used a biotic charge of his own, along with a nova combo like the look alike kept doing to him, managing to at least stagger his counterpart back enough that Tali’s combat drone could fire at him again.

            The look alike used more medi-gel and Shepard wanted to shout in frustration.

            _How many damn things of medi-gel does this asshole have?_

            James appeared around the corner, using carnage on the look alike, eating away at his armor. The look alike rounded on the lieutenant, charging at him. The attack left James knocked off his feet, and as not-him raised his hand to deliver the following nova, Shepard used his own biotic charge to slam into him, knocking him off balance, interrupting his next attack.

            James got away, firing at the look alike as he did so.

            Bullets hit Shepard’s barrier from behind him, causing him to spin around and take notice of Brooks, finally showing herself after this whole batter. She seemed to like watching from the sidelines. A shot broke through his barrier and shields, tearing into the armor of his shoulder, leaving him growling as he used a charge to offset her balance. Carnage tore into her and he easily rolled away, back into cover, panting as he did so.

            His whole body ached and he felt so _exhausted_. It felt like he’d ran a marathon in the desert. It was like being back on Tuchanka, fighting all those brutes under that Reaper.

            _Keep going._

            He took in a breath and used his N7 training to push the pain and exhaustion into the back of his mind. He was only fighting his look alike – he could do this. He took down a Reaper on Rannoch, on _foot_ – he could do _this_.

            He charged into his look alike as soon as he saw him.

            “Shepard!”

            The voice was familiar and rough and he found himself responding to it instantly, snapping his head up as he used a nova on his look alike. Kaidan stood across the shuttle bay, near that secret hatch few people knew about. Behind him stood Garrus, aiming his gun at… _him_?

            Shepard spun, then, and saw his look alike right there, behind him. He had no time to dodge the nova which left him collapsing to his knees, his barriers destroyed, his breath caught in his throat, eyes burning from the pain and exhaustion.

            He watched, almost detachedly, as the look alike was hit with reave, taking a quick step back as though that would help. Shepard pushed back to his feet and charged at the look alike again, even though he could hear Kaidan in his head – and aloud, come to think of it – growling at him for using his biotics, but he was running out of options.

            _Sorry, K… if we live through this I’ll make it up to you._

 

_Goddamn idiot!_

            Shepard was using his biotics against his look alike. Kaidan just got down to the shuttle bay with Garrus so he had no way of knowing how long or how often the commander had been using his biotics, but he looked like literal hell. His skin was pale and flushed at the same time… come to think of it, so was the look alike’s. Both looked like hell.

            The two Shepards collided then, both using their biotic charges to meet in the middle, causing some kind of biotic explosion which sent them both flying in opposite directions. They landed on their backs and both lay there for a moment before Brooks ran toward them, shooting at…

            The fake Shepard? No, she wouldn’t shoot at him. He must have been the real Shepard, then. He looked far less exhausted than the other one, but maybe that meant he hadn’t been using his abilities like Kaidan thought he had.

            Shepard seemed shocked that Brooks was shooting at him even though he really should have expected it. Her and not-Shepard were working together, after all.

            Kaidan ran forward to help Shepard, using reave on the not-Shepard as he did so.

            The look not-Shepard gave him left him freezing. It was one of pain, shock and… _betrayal?_

            _Oh, God. That’s the real Shepard._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know in the game he never hit Shepard or got them mixed up and neither did Brooks, but when Brooks started shooting at Shepard with her shotgun I kept wondering what would happen if she got them mixed up because the only thing really making them different was the stripe, one red and one blue. So, yeah, that's where that came from. Sorry if it's OOC.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

 

            He just attacked the real Shepard. Brooks was the one who had been confused, that was why not-Shepard seemed shocked that she was shooting at him. Kaidan, though… he should have _known_ better.

            The effects of reave finally wore off and Shepard got to his feet, swaying as he did so, face far too pale. Kaidan released a sound which could have been a growl or a sob and ran forward as Brooks finally seemed to realize she’d been shooting at _her_ Shepard and turned her gun on _his_ Shepard.

            Garrus’s concussive shot left Brooks faltering just long enough that Kaidan got to Shepard, hands gripping his arms as he hauled the commander to his feet.

            “You reaved me,” Shepard breathed tiredly, all but leaning against him.

            “I’m so sorry,” Kaidan said, but there was no excuse for what he did. “I-”

            He was cut off, then, by the look alike charging into them. Shepard was torn from his grasp as the look alike used a nova. It shattered Kaidan’s barriers and left him staggering even as it left Shepard groaning as he went to his knees, breaths heavy and ragged.

            “Ryan!”

            He moved to go to Shepard, help him, guard him, but was easily forced back as Brooks fired at him with her shotgun, leaving him staggering back lest he be torn apart by those shots, his barriers still down from that nova.

            Carnage was used on Brooks, as was a combat drone, and he was free to make his way to Shepard, who had managed to get back to his feet.

            _Oh, God. He’s overdoing it._

            There was blood dripping down his nose, now, and his eyes were beyond bloodshot. The stark contrast of the red blood against his white skin made him look that much paler.

            The look alike charged at him and Kaidan threw himself between them because he wouldn’t let Shepard take another goddamn hit.

            The pain was quick and intense, as was the combined nova which the look alike seemed rather fond of using. It was brutal and effective.

            Even so he used a cryo blast on the look alike, at least making him slow down long enough for him to be able to use reave again.

            And then Shepard shot past him with his own biotic charge, and it was like watching him charge that atlas all over again.

            He slammed into the look alike and used a nova. The blast knocked the look alike back and seemed to really hurt him, finally having eaten through his armor, but Shepard also went to his knees, legs unable to hold him up any longer.

            And then he looked at Kaidan, and it was _that_ look all over again.

            A sob ripped free of Kaidan’s throat. “Don’t,” he all but begged.

            _No, no, don’t_ -

            A gun pressed easily against the side of Shepard’s head. Everything, his whole world, froze.

            “What are you?” Shepard asked tiredly, never tearing his gaze away from Kaidan even as he spoke to his look alike.

            Kaidan took a step forward, gaze forever focused on those exhausted blue eyes.

            “I’m you,” not-Shepard replied with a laugh, “without the wear and tear. Without the emotional baggage. The doubts. The fears. I’m what you should be.”

            “Why me?” Shepard asked quietly.

            Kaidan watched, heart in his throat. Afraid to move forward for fear it would cause the look alike to shoot, afraid to not do anything for exact same reasons.

            _Don’t do it. Don’t shoot._

            “What makes you so special?” not-Shepard asked instead of answering. “Huh? Why you and not me?”

            “What do you mean?”

            How the hell could Shepard’s voice be so damn calm when that gun was pressed against his head and he was still looking at Kaidan like _that_.

            “Finish him,” Brooks said from somewhere behind Kaidan.

            Everything seemed to be in a holding pattern at the moment. There was no gunfire, no fighting… just watching the two Shepards, watching _that_ look.

            “I was made from your DNA,” not-Shepard said.

            “A clone,” Tali murmured from somewhere in the background.

            “In case you needed a new arm, or a heart, or a lung.” Not-Shepard’s voice was bitter as he shook his head ruefully. “You weren’t the only Shepard Cerberus brought back.”

            _What does that even mean…? How is any of this possible?_

_Doesn’t matter, dammit, just find a way to get him to move that gun._

            Shepard was strong and had survived a lot of things, but Kaidan was convinced he could not, would not, survive a shot to the head.

            “Why you and not me?” not-Shepard asked again, anger evident in his voice, his grip on the gun shaking somewhat as he glared down at Shepard. Kaidan could almost feel his finger tightening around the trigger.

            “You don’t have to do this,” Kaidan said, breaking the uneasy silence as he took a step forward.

            “One more step and he’s dead,” not-Shepard snapped. “I knew I should have killed you when I had the chance.”

            “Finish him,” Brooks said. “Kill him and become who you were meant to be.”

            “Don’t,” Kaidan said quickly. “Don’t shoot.”

            “Begging for his life?” not-Shepard asked.

            _Yes,_ he wanted to say, staring into those tired blue eyes, so goddamn _accepting_ of the gun pressed against his head. _Yes, don’t kill him._

            Except he knew that would not be appreciated – by anyone.

            “I’m begging for yours,” he said instead, narrowing his eyes as he finally tore his gaze away from Shepard to look at the look alike, the _clone_. “If you kill him… I won’t rest until you’re _dead_.”

            _Until I’ve wrapped my hands around your goddamn throat and squeezed the life out of you._

            “Finish him,” Brooks said again.

            “Why you and not me?” not-Shepard growled, seemingly stuck on that. “What makes you so damn special but not _me_?”

            And then, Kaidan watched, in slow motion, as that finger curled around the trigger.

            _“No!”_

            The gunshot drowned out his plea.

            Except Shepard suddenly wasn’t there anymore. In the time it took to pull the trigger he’d used a charge after constantly watching Kaidan’s face so he knew when the _exact_ moment would be, when the horror dawned on Kaidan’s expression. The gun fired into empty space as Shepard charged toward Brooks, catching everyone off guard.

            Kaidan’s relief was short-lived as the fight began anew. He was rammed into by not-Shepard. In the chaos that followed he lost sight of everything except Brooks, who for some reason kept going after him with a frenzy. He assumed not-Shepard was going after the real Shepard and Garrus, Tali and James were helping him with that.

            The fight was intense but short lived as a well-placed shot from Tali’s combat drone had Brooks dropping to her knees. In the next second Kaidan’s gun was aimed at her face and she held her hands up defensively.

            “I’m unarmed,” she said quickly.

            Kaidan wanted to shoot. She was responsible, at least partially, for everything. The attack at the restaurant, the attack at the apartment, him thinking Shepard was dead, stabbing him…

            She was to blame for this.

            He wanted to pull the trigger.

            But something made him stop.

            _You’re not a killer._

            He wasn’t. Shooting her would make him no better than her, and he wasn’t a murderer.

            James appeared next to him.

            “Get her the hell out of here,” Kaidan growled, glaring down at her because if James didn’t take her away, he wouldn’t be able to fight the urge to shoot her despite everything.

            James grabbed her, then, and Kaidan turned back toward the rest of the fight.

            Tali was on the ground, motionless, and Garrus was next to her, checking on her. She was still alive, Kaidan knew, because if she wasn’t he had a feeling Garrus wouldn’t be looking so damn _calm_ even as he waved his omni-tool over her, checking her vitals.

            Kaidan’s gaze sought out the two Shepards who were across the shuttle bay.

            Shepard used a nova which brought not-Shepard to his knees, his armor destroyed and the fight leaving him. Kaidan hurried over to them, aiming his gun at the not-Shepard, but right as he was about to pull the trigger, Shepard’s gaze snapped toward him.

            “Don’t,” he said.

            “What? But Shepard-”

            “We’re not killers,” Shepard replied, even as Kaidan’s gun kept the look alike, the _clone_ , subdued for the time being. He must have been out of medi-gel. “He deserves a chance to live.”

            “Like hell he does!” Kaidan snapped. “He tried to kill you! Several times, I might add!”

            _And he very nearly succeeded_.

            “Why me and not him,” Shepard said quietly, looking at him.

            Both Kaidan and the clone looked at him, confused. “What?”

            “He’s right, Kaidan. Why me and not him? Why am _I_ so special?”

            _Because you’re the commander. Because I love you. Because…_

            “Subdue him,” Shepard said, stepping away from the clone who watched him, befuddled. “But don’t kill him.”

            Kaidan swallowed and nodded, moving to do exactly that. He waved his omni-tool over the clone, administering that goddamn sedative Shepard injected into him, having configured it to his omni-tool for quicker, more convenient use. If it could be done with medi-gel, it could be done with sedatives too, after all.

            Within seconds the clone was unconscious, toppling down in a motionless heap.

            And then next to him, Shepard went to his knees, the exhaustion finally getting the better of him.

            “Ryan,” Kaidan said worriedly, darting toward him, hands lightly grabbing at the commander’s shoulders.

            “We did it,” Shepard breathed, eyes sliding closed as he leaned into Kaidan.

            “Ryan, stay awake, okay? You really overdid it this time.”

            And that really worried him. Not only was the commander’s face bloody and pale, sunken and sickly, but his breaths were worrisome in how staccato they came out.

            “We did it…” Shepard sighed again.

            “Shepard? Ryan? Hey. Look at me.” One of Kaidan’s hands moved up, cupping the side of Shepard’s face, turning his head toward him. “Ryan, c’mon – hey!”

            “ ‘s okay,” Shepard murmured, voice barely present, growing heavier against him. “Jus’ gonna… s’eep…”

            “Ryan – c’mon, I need you to – look at me!”

            Blue eyes opened but only just. “We did it, K…”

            “Yeah, we did, so stay with me, okay?”

            Shepard was cold and feverish all at the same time, burning and chilling his skin, blood dripping from his nose.

            Dr. Chakwas’ voice rang through his head.

            _Systems fried._

_Unstable._

_Detrimental._

_Medical leave._

            _No biotics._

            “Ryan?” Kaidan couldn’t help it if he sounded like a little kid, voice soft and rough yet hopeful. “Shepard, c’mon…”

            Shepard’s eyes closed as he breathed out a sigh. “K… I…”

            And then he went limp and Kaidan was left frantically feeling for a pulse, jabbing his fingers into the cold skin of his neck, moving his hand from the flushed heat of his cheek. The pulse he found was reassuring only in that it was _there_. Otherwise it was sluggish and weak and left his own heart racing.

            “Ryan… you goddamn _idiot_ …”

            He breathed in a shaky breath that was anything but calming.

            “Stay with me.”

            _Don’t you dare die on me._

            He took in a breath and looked at the motionless clone, before his gaze slid toward Garrus and Tali. Tali was sitting up now, leaning against Garrus as he helped her. James was nowhere to be seen which was probably a good thing. Kaidan was still tempted to kill Brooks – still incredibly temped to kill the goddamn clone as well.

            But Shepard, for some reason, wanted to spare the clone.

            Silence rang in his ears, leaving him frowning in confusion as to why he was suddenly hearing it. And then he looked down at the slack face of his commander and saw the blue-tinged lips, the blood standing out in stark contrast.

            _He’s not breathing._

            “Shepard? Ryan?”

            He shook the commander, like that would help.

            It did nothing except make his head loll around.

            “No,” he all but choked. “Breathe, you idiot!”

            Frantic fingers fumbled for a pulse. It beat defiantly against the stillness of his body, still there, still alive, just not breathing.

            _Breathe, you idiot. Don’t do this to me._

            He lay Shepard on his back and pinched his nose closed, smashing his lips against his commander’s in a desperate attempt to literally breathe life into him.

            When he pulled back and Shepard didn’t breathe, he felt for that pulse again.

            _No._

            He felt nothing.

            _No. Don’t do this to me._

            Absolutely _nothing_.

            _Shepard, don’t you do this, dammit._

            The pulse which had beat defiantly before was now gone. Breathless, no pulse, no rise and fall his chest… by all intents and purposes, Shepard was…

            _Dead,_ Kaidan’s mind supplied.

            _He’s dead._

 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of ups and downs in this chapter, and I'm still not sure about it even though I wrote it months ago, but oh well. Hope it sounds okay.

Chapter Sixteen

 

_One, two, breathe._

            Kaidan wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Shepard stopped breathing. Minutes, hours, years – he didn’t know, but he kept breathing for him anyway. He’d barked at the others to get Dr. Chakwas, wherever she was in this mess. Tali ran off to do exactly that and Garrus took the clone away before Kaidan did something he would regret, even though all his focus right now was on Shepard.

            _One, two, breathe._

            Between the breaths he counted and did compressions. Forever repeating this process.

            _One, two, breathe._

_C’mon, don’t do this to me, Shepard._

_One, two, breathe._

            Over and over, and yet still nothing was happening. Shepard had yet to start breathing again and he still didn’t have a pulse. He was still _dead_ for all intents and purposes. Dead and gone, no heartbeat and still he wasn’t breathing. His skin was cold, his lips blue and the blood on his face was dry.

            “Please,” Kaidan found himself saying between breaths. “Don’t do this, Shepard.”

            _One, two, breathe._

            Compressions.

            _One, two, breathe._

            “You goddamn idiot – told you not to… Don’t do this, dammit.”

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Told you not to goddamn do it, Shepard.”

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Wouldn’t goddamn _listen_ …”

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Don’t you do this to me, dammit, Ryan – don’t you dare!”

            _One, two, breathe._

            Exhaustion weighed through him but he couldn’t stop. If he did Shepard would really die and he couldn’t let that happen. He had to keep going, keep breathing for him until help arrived, until Dr. Chakwas could _fix this_ …

            _One, two, breathe._

            She had to be able to fix this. Get him breathing again, bring him _back_ …

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Breathe, dammit-”

            _One, two, breathe._

            “I can’t… I can’t do this, goddamn it, _breathe-_ ”

            _One, two, breathe._

            How long had it been? He felt dizzy and breathless but couldn’t stop. Wouldn’t stop, because this was Shepard and he couldn’t let this happen, not after everything they’d gone through on this goddamn _vacation_.

            _One, two, breathe._

            “ _Please_ , damn it, _breathe_ , Shepard. Ryan, please.”

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Don’t do this to me, Ry.”

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Please don’t. You promised…”

            _One, two, breathe._

            Shepard said he’d always try to come back to him. He also said he was _fine_ and he goddamn _wasn’t_. He was it was _okay_ , that he was just going to _sleep_ , and-

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Ryan, _breathe_!”

            _One, two, breathe._

            Where the hell was Dr. Chakwas? If she didn’t hurry… No. He’d do this as long as it took because there was no way he was going to stop. He didn’t care if he was tired, if his own lungs ached for his own breaths instead of the quick ones he was doing so he could give them to Shepard. He would do this as long as it goddamn took, until Shepard _breathed_.

            _One, two, breathe._

            “You’re gonna let it end like this?”

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Don’t quit on me now, dammit!”

            _One, two, breathe._

            “Ryan, you can’t – _come back-_ ”

            _One, two, breathe._

            A rib gave way beneath his compressions, causing him to slide half over the motionless and breathless commander. Shakily, he drew himself back up, looking down into that slack and pale face. His vision blurred, both from exhaustion and that rising sense of desperation, that sense of _finality_.

            “Don’t do this to me, Ryan – not like this…”

            _One, two, breathe._

            He began the compressions anew, praying Dr. Chakwas go there soon. Where the hell was she when they needed her the most?

            _Please don’t do this – you gave him back, why take him away now?_

_One, two, breathe._

            Another rib gave way and this time when he collapsed, he lingered there, a sob tearing free of his throat. Those unwanted tears blurred his vision further and he squeezed his eyes closed, resting his forehead against Shepard’s still chest, breathing in everything he was and everything Kaidan feared he would never be again.

            “ _Breathe_ ,” he choked, fingers curling into the soft fabric of the commander’s torn shirt. “Just _breathe_ , dammit, don’t-… Don’t do this, Ry…”

            _It’s useless,_ a part of his mind said. _He’s gone._

            How long had it been? How long could someone go without breathing and without having a pulse, even with CPR?

            “Come back,” he whispered without knowing he was even forming the words. “Come back…”

            _Come back to me. You said you would, dammit, and you have so far… don’t change it now._

            Hands touched lightly at his shoulder and he snapped his head up to find Dr. Chakwas kneeling next to him, Tali fervently watching next to her.

            “Help him,” Kaidan breathed, desperation clawing at him. “Fix him.”

            _Fix him, fix this._

            _Save him._

 

Shepard surprised himself later and woke up. His chest ached more than anything else, like he’d physically been hit by a ship or something, and it was surprisingly hard to draw in the right amount of air. No matter what he did, he could never seem to draw in enough.

            It was incredibly hard to open his eyes and when he did, he found Kaidan sitting next to him in that uncomfortable plastic chair, both hands wrapped around one of Shepard’s, gaze downcast and _broken_.

            _No, don’t look like that._

            Kaidan should never have looked like that, after all. It was just wrong.

            He gave one of Kaidan’s hands a squeeze and the sentinel’s gaze snapped toward him. The sight of those unshed tears left Shepard’s head spinning.

            “Hey,” he said, and it was incredibly hard to draw in the breath to do so, to push the word past his uncooperative lips.

            _What happened?_

            Kaidan’s grip on his hand tightened, both hands clenching around it. “Ryan…” He said the word almost like a prayer, leaving Shepard frowning at him.

            “What’s… wrong?”

            _Why is it so hard to talk? And breathe…_

            “You overdid it, Ry…”

            “Oh.”

            “You _really_ overdid it.” Kaidan swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing slowly, his gaze forever trained on Shepard.

            Shepard often liked the way Kaidan looked at him – like he wasn’t just a commander, but an actual person. And like he was the only thing that mattered. This expression, though… it spoke of dread, fear and pain, and Shepard didn’t like it one bit.

            “You… okay?”

            Kaidan’s laugh was sharp and rough, nails against a black board. “No, Ry, I’m not.”

            “What…?”

            _What’s wrong? What happened?_

            He tried to sit up, get a better view of Kaidan and assess his injuries for himself, but Kaidan’s hand was suddenly on his chest, pushing him back down, brown eyes wide and frantic.

            “Don’t,” he breathed. “Don’t you move.”

            “Kaidan…?”

            “You overdid it, Ryan.”

            “So you… keep saying.”

            “Your systems are fried,” Kaidan said quietly, watching him, hand hovering over his heart, over where it actually physically _hurt_. “Beyond fried. Your cybernetics and biotics, along with your injuries… Shepard, the strain is too much.”

            “Too much?” Shepard echoed.

            _Why does he look like the Reapers have won._

            Kaidan’s expression crumpled then and he leaned forward somewhat, bringing Shepard’s hand up, resting his forehead against the knuckles, elbows resting on the bed. Kaidan’s breaths were shaky and uneven, and Shepard squeeze that hand holding his.

            “What’s wrong, K?”

            “I can’t stop it,” the sentinel replied brokenly.

            “Stop it?”

            “I can’t stop it…”

            “Kaidan – look at me.”

            Those glistening brown eyes sought out his own blue ones, forehead lifting from his knuckles.

            “What’s wrong, K?”

            Kaidan swallowed thickly. “Ryan, you really overdid it…”

            “You keep saying that… What’s it mean?”

            _It doesn’t sound good._

            He was exhausted and everything ached, and it was surprisingly hard to draw breath into his lungs. It felt a little like his heart was skipping beats, but maybe that was just because everything hurt and he hated that look on Kaidan’s face.

            “You fried your systems, Ry…”

            “Meaning…?”

            The sound which escaped Kaidan could have been a sigh or a sob. “You’re _dying_ , Ryan.”

            “I’m…?”

            “You’re dying,” Kaidan repeated just as brokenly as before, eyes bright with unshed tears, and suddenly his fatigue made sense.

            “Fried my systems…” he murmured, mostly to himself as he averted his gaze.

            “It took all we had to get you breathing again,” Kaidan said quietly. That hand was still on his chest, over his heart, and now he understood why.

            “Heart’s giving out, huh?” he asked, tongue thick and heavy in his mouth as he looked down at that hand on his chest.

            _Makes sense. I overdid it – knew the risks before I did it._

            “I _told_ you not to use them,” Kaidan was saying when he tuned back in, the sentinel’s voice broken and rough. “I _told_ you not to do it, Ry… I told you, I told you, I told you…”

            “I know,” Shepard said quietly, squeezing Kaidan’s hand as he looked over at him. Kaidan’s gaze was focused on his chest as well, fingers curling lightly into the skin since he was without a shirt at the moment.

            “Told you not to do it, Ry…”

            “I know,” Shepard said again.

            Kaidan drew in a shaky breath, dragging his gaze away from his chest to look him in the eye. “How can you be so calm about this?”

            _Because I can’t break down, Kaidan. What am I supposed to do?_

            “One of use needs… to keep a clear head,” he said in response, swallowing thickly.

            “You’re _dying_ , Ry,” Kaidan said, like he didn’t know the meaning of the word. “And there’s nothing I can do… I can’t… I can’t fix this.”

            “I know.”

            _It’s okay, Kaidan. I knew the consequences going in._

            This was true – he knew he was walking a thin line before he used his biotics against his look alike, his clone. He knew the risks, the consequences of his actions, and yet what else was he supposed to do?

            Kaidan took in a ragged breath. “Chakwas thinks she can save you, if… If we take the clone’s heart and give it to you.”

            Shepard shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

            “Ryan, it could _save_ you,” Kaidan said, like he didn’t understand.

            “No.”

            “Why?” Kaidan asked, and Shepard hated that tone, that look in his eyes.

            “I won’t… be like Cerberus. I won’t use him.”

            The clone’s words still echoed through him. _Why you and not me._

            Was he somehow better than the clone? More important? If Cerberus made two of them… then was he even the real Shepard? For all he knew he himself was a clone but made to think and believe he was the real Shepard. It would make much more sense than Cerberus bringing him back to life, after all.

            And he could have easily been that clone, left alive only for spare parts.

            He couldn’t do that to clone, no matter how many times the guy tried to kill him. No matter what he did to him in the past, he wouldn’t become something he hated. He wouldn’t become like Cerberus.

            “Ryan, you’ll _die_ ,” Kaidan whispered.

            “I know.”

            “Stop saying that!”

            “Kaidan…”

            Kaidan shook his head, removing his hand from his chest but still clinging to that hand he held with his own. “You’ll die if you don’t let her do this, Shepard. The operation will work – you’re the same blood type, same _everything_ , and-”

            “ _No_ , Kaidan.”

            “You can’t ask me to sit here and watch you die!”

            “Alright – then leave,” Shepard said, narrowing his eyes even as he hated saying those words, hated the look of pain and shock flash across Kaidan’s features. “But I won’t take his heart, Kaidan.”

            And then he sat back, because talking was surprisingly painful and apparently used up more energy than he remembered.

            “Ryan,” Kaidan said quietly, a hint of _desperation_ in his voice, “you have to let her do this. She won’t do it without your permission…”

            Shepard knew that already, though. There was no other reason Kaidan would bring it up with him directly. If he had his way the clone would already be dead, his heart given to Shepard. Shepard couldn’t do that to him, couldn’t take someone else’s life simply so he could live.

            _Why you and not me._

            _Yeah… why me…_

            What made him so special?

            “Ryan… _please_.”

            Shepard snapped his eyes closed. Kaidan rarely ever said _please_ to him, and never so sincerely, almost begging him. It was incredibly hard to refuse the man anything when he said things like that, but he needed to be adamant about this.

            _What makes me so special?_

            “No, Kaidan,” he breathed, eyes still closed so he wouldn’t have to see the hurt on the sentinel’s face. He felt it nevertheless. “I’m sorry.”

 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter leads into things I don't really know a lot about and the game doesn't give me much to go on, either, so bear with me and my horrible attempts at it XD

Chapter Seventeen

 

A day later found Shepard at C-Sec despite the fact he was told to remain in med bay for obvious health reasons. Kaidan would have a field day if he knew Shepard was here, but he hadn’t exactly told the sentinel where he was going. Kaidan was probably only just now finding out that Shepard managed to escape med bay by bribing Dr. Chakwas. The woman loved her Serrice Ice Brandy, after all.

            Currently Brooks and his clone were being kept here at C-Sec, and he needed to talk to his look alike. He wasn’t sure what drew him to the clone but once the thought crossed his mind it was all he could think about, was the fact that he should really talk to him.

            The clone’s actions all made sense now, after all. Trying to take over Shepard’s life, the desperation with which he tried to do so, why he was targeting him specifically…

            It made sense now.

            No one liked being a carbon copy of someone else. If Shepard was, in fact, a clone of his former self, he at least had the memories and experiences and everything, while this clone did not. This clone knew only that it was created for spare parts, and that just wasn’t right. Every living thing had rights, after all – including clones.

            What if their roles had been reversed? What if he was the clone, and found out he was only alive to be the back up parts for someone he didn’t even know? He’d probably go a little crazy, too.

            Commander Bailey got him his private interrogation room. He pushed open the door and entered it now, finding his clone sitting there at the small table, hands chained to it. His gaze snapped toward Shepard’s face and irritation clouded his features.

            “What do _you_ want,” he muttered.

            “I just came to talk,” Shepard said quietly.

            His whole body ached and he was freezing despite the fact he wore an N7 hoodie. No matter what he did anymore, he just couldn’t seem to get warm, just like he never seemed to be able to draw in enough air. He knew why this was, and while he didn’t like it, there was a part of him that was strangely at peace with this.

            Not that he’d ever tell Kaidan that, of course. The sentinel would take it the wrong way.

            “I don’t want to talk to you,” his clone said.

            Shepard sighed heavily, scrubbing a hand across his face. “I just want to talk. I just want to… tell you that if I had known you existed… I would have gotten you out of there.”

            It was odd, watching his eyes widen without looking in a mirror. “You… what?”

            “No one should be forced to be someone’s spare parts,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “Had I known you existed…”

            “Why?”

            “Because I agree with you,” Shepard said quietly, watching his clone. “Why me and not you.”

            The clone’s mouth snapped shut.

            “Maybe I’m the real Shepard, or maybe I’m just a clone that thinks it’s the real Shepard… Either way, why me and not you? There’s not really a difference between us, right?”

            “Why are you saying this?”

            “Because I don’t agree with the way you’ve been treated.”

            “Is that why you spared me?”

            Shepard frowned, shrugging. “I don’t really know. I just couldn’t kill you in cold blood, or let anyone else do it either. Especially when our roles could have easily been reversed.” He took in a breath, the effort at having this ongoing conversation rather taxing.

            “I would have killed you,” his clone said.

            Shepard shrugged. “You can’t clone everything. Anyway, I just… wanted to let you know that I don’t agree with you being used for spare parts, and in a way… I can kind of see where you’re coming from.”

            “Why tell me any of this?”

            “I just felt like you should know,” he said quietly. “That’s all.”

            Silence wrapped around them for a moment as those words sunk in.

            “I don’t want to be like everyone else,” Shepard said. “I won’t let them use you for spare parts.”

            _Not even on me._

            Everyone deserved that chance, after all – no one deserved being used simply as a back up incase the original didn’t work properly, or needed something fixed.

            _Like a heart, for instance._

            Currently his heart was racing even though he was sitting perfectly still. He tried to take deep, even breaths but it was incredibly hard to do so at the moment. He pushed to his feet and began moving toward the door.

            “What’s wrong with you?” the clone shocked him by asking.

            He stopped and turned back to face him. “It, um… looks like you might have won our little fight.”

            “Won?”

            “My body was already tired,” Shepard explained. “Thanks to our fight, I… My heart’s going.”

            The clone’s expression darkened. “And you expect me to give you mine?”

            “No,” Shepard said, scowling at him. “In fact I told the others _not_ to use you like that. I told you – I’m not going to be like the others. You’re a human being, clone or not, and no one should be used for spare parts.”

            “Then won’t you die?”

            “I’m…” He took in a breath. “I’m okay with that.”

            The funny thing was, he wasn’t entirely sure he was lying.

 

“Where the hell have you been?” Kaidan growled as soon as he saw Shepard enter the shuttle bay on the Normandy after having been gone for at least two hours.

            “Had a talk with my clone,” Shepard replied simply.

            “You _what?_ ”

            “Talked to my clone,” Shepard repeated, hands tucked deep into his hoodie’s pockets.

            “Why would you do that?”

            “I don’t know… I just felt like I should.”

            Kaidan swallowed, watching as he practically swayed on his feet. He reached out and grabbed him by the arm, unsure if he was steadying Shepard or himself. “You idiot,” he breathed quietly. “You shouldn’t be out of med bay. You should actually be in the hospital.”

            Shepard shook his head, scowling. “I don’t want to die in a damn hospital, Kaidan.”

            Kaidan flinched at the words, felt that despair rise through him again, felt the burning in his eyes and the hitch in his breath. The truth of the matter was that Shepard was dying, his body too exhausted to keep going, his heart giving out on him due to his unstable and fried systems, and there was nothing Kaidan could do about it. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

            Shepard’s expression softened somewhat. “Sorry,” he said quietly, shaking his head. “I just… I don’t want to go to the hospital. I’m fine here.”

            “Fine?” Kaidan echoed.

            “Right. I don’t know the meaning of the word, huh?”

            Kaidan wanted to smile at the attempt of humor, at least give Shepard the illusion that it was working, but he couldn’t muster the strength or the will to do so right then. Instead he looked at the pallor of the commander’s skin, the rings around those bloodshot eyes, and the slight blue tinge to those lips. The blue tinge never seemed to go away.

            He took in a slow, shaky breath. “Let’s get you back to med bay.”

            “Let’s just… do something for a little while.”

            “Like what?” he asked quietly, even though what he really wanted to do was force Shepard into the med bay where Dr. Chakwas could keep a constant eye on him.

            It wouldn’t do any good, though. A part of him knew that, maybe even on some level accepted it, but a much larger part of him raged against the thought. Watching Shepard died was like watching himself die.

            Because that was what he was doing – watching Shepard die.

            They got him breathing again, but that immense relief was short lived upon entering med bay. Dr. Chakwas did her examination, patched up his wounds and gave him some medi-gel, before she looked at Kaidan with that apologetic look in her eyes, and he knew. Knew just like he did when he opened that escape pod and found only Joker inside.

            They might have gotten him breathing again but that didn’t mean he got to stay with them. Now Kaidan was watching him die in slow motion, unable to stop it. No one could stop it. Dr. Chakwas was insisting on making him ‘comfortable’ and Kaidan knew that was a bad, horrible sign.

            “Let’s have some shore leave,” Shepard said.

            The laugh which ripped out of Kaidan’s mouth was anything but happy. If anything it was slightly hysterical. “Shore leave…”

            _What a joke that is._

            This was all his goddamn fault. He told Hackett to enforce shore leave, ironically so this very thing didn’t happen. Their vacation was supposed to be _relaxing_ – it wasn’t supposed to kill Shepard. It wasn’t supposed to lead up to _this_.

            And it was all Kaidan’s _fault_ …

            Shepard’s hand was ice against his skin, fingers rubbing faintly against his stubble. He swallowed and reached a hand up, capturing that ice cold hand, holding onto it tightly as though his grip alone could warm it, could somehow stop this from happening.

            “Let’s go back to the apartment,” Shepard said, watching him.

            Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly. “Alright,” he breathed, “whatever you want.”

 

The apartment was just like he remembered it, which felt wrong somehow. How could it be the same when everything seemed to be falling down around them? Kaidan swallowed and closed the door behind them as Shepard walked into the kitchen, instantly going for the refrigerator. He pulled out a bottle of water and took a long swallow of it.

            His movements were slow and tired. It had only been three days since the attack on the Normandy and yet he was already so tired, so pale and weak and Kaidan _hated_ it. Hated it more than he’d ever hated anything before because this was something he couldn’t fix. Had no hope of fixing, of making it right.

            And he was simply forced to watch instead.

            Watch him fade away. Watch him slip away from him like sand in a sieve, his life slipping through the cracks in Kaidan’s hands.

            “I’m sorry,” he said.

            Shepard frowned at him. “Sorry?”

            “This is… It’s my fault.”

            “How’s it your fault?”

            “I told Hackett to enforce shore leave. This all happened because of _me_ ,” he said quietly, unable to look at Shepard just then. He focused his gaze on the small island counter in the middle of the kitchen instead. “It’s my fault, Ry…”

            “It’s not your fault,” Shepard said.

            “If you’d just let Chakwas-”

            “ _No_ , Kaidan,” Shepard said adamantly, and Kaidan closed his eyes against that familiar burning sensation.

            “You could live, Ryan.”

            _Why are you choosing death?_

            “I’m not going to condemn someone to die simply so I can live.”

            “But, Shepard-”

            “I don’t want to argue about this, Kaidan. I just… want to relax. With you.”

            Kaidan took in a breath and nodded slowly, opening his eyes, glancing at the commander. “What do you want to do?” he asked quietly.

            “We can order something to eat,” Shepard said. “And watch vids and play cards. We can… actually get back to that shore leave.”

            Kaidan nodded because he could refuse Shepard nothing right then, no matter how much his heart clenched at the thought that this could very well be the last time they’d ever do these things together, because Shepard just kept getting _worse_ and he wouldn’t let them use the clone’s heart to save him.

            Why?

            Because he didn’t want to condemn the clone to death. That clone tried to kill him and take over his life – he didn’t deserve to live while Shepard died. If only he could convince Shepard of this…

            Shepard grabbed his wrist and led him into the living room, where they sat down on the couch. The screen across the room turned on but Kaidan wasn’t really paying any attention to it, focused instead on the dying figure next to him. Shepard leaned into him and Kaidan easily slid an arm around his waist, pulling him closer so the two were snuggled together.

            _I don’t want you to die…_

            What he want didn’t matter, though, because Shepard had made his choice. He chose death and Kaidan was still trying to come to terms with that.

            “Do you want to die?” he asked before he could stop himself, memories of a similar conversation plaguing his mind.

            Shepard’s gaze slid toward him. “Hmm?”

            “Do you want to die?” he repeated quietly.

            “Kaidan…”

            “Ryan, I just… I can’t just sit here and watch you die.”

            Shepard watched him for a moment, expression calculating, before he sighed and looked away. “You can leave, if you want. But I’m hoping you’ll stay, K – I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be with right now.”

            Kaidan swallowed thickly, tightening his hold on the brunette curled into his side. He seemed so much smaller, so much more breakable, than he had before. “I’m not going anywhere, Ry,” he said quietly.

            _I just wish you weren’t, either._

 

Something was beeping in the background. Shepard’s eyes fluttered open, greeted by darkness. As his eyes adjusted he looked over at Kaidan, who was asleep next to him, one arm wrapped carefully around him. Shepard smiled at the sentinel before he quietly crawled out of bed, easing out of Kaidan’s hold. From there he walked over to his laptop, grabbed it and took it downstairs so he wouldn’t disturb the sentinel.

            Once he was in the kitchen he put his laptop down on the island counter and opened it, searching for that new message which was apparently marked urgent, as the laptop was still beeping. He’d set his laptop up for those kinds of messages. Usually they were fed right into his omni-tool but currently he had that disconnected as he’d just wanted to relax a bit with Kaidan. He kept the laptop with him, though, just in case.

            It was from Dr. Chakwas.

            _Shepard,_

_I believe I might have found a way to save you that doesn’t involve using your counterpart’s organs. Please meet with me at your earliest convenience._

_Dr. Chakwas._

            Shepard stared at the message. A way to save him that didn’t involve using his clone’s heart? He was almost afraid to hope, and wasn’t sure why he felt more conflicted at the moment than anything.

            _“Do you want to die?”_

            Kaidan’s words echoed through his head and he sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face as he closed his laptop. Did he want to die? No – that would be crazy. He knew they were still fighting the Reapers – he couldn’t lay down yet. He wanted to be there to win this war, wanted to be there with Kaidan when it happened.

            But news of his possible saving grace left him somewhat uncomfortable, as well. He just wasn’t sure why.

            Warm arms encircled him from behind and he leaned back into that warm, solid body.

            “Hey, K,” he said quietly. He opened his mouth to tell Kaidan what Dr. Chakwas said but for some reason he couldn’t do it. She said she believed she _might_ have found a way to save him – nothing was ever certain, and he didn’t want to get the sentinel’s hopes up.

So instead he kept quiet, feeling that quiet trail of kisses along the back of his neck.

 

Getting away from Kaidan long enough to speak with Dr. Chakwas alone was harder than it should have been. Not simply because the sentinel seemed to practically be glued to his side, but because it was surprisingly hard to tear himself away, let alone distract Kaidan long enough for him to do so. In the end, though, Garrus wound up helping out, pulling Kaidan aside long enough for Shepard to disappear and go to med bay. It would take at least a few minutes for the sentinel to find him.

“Alright, Doc,” he breathed, “lay it on me.”

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Chakwas asked instead of answering.

He scowled. “Tired. What’s this miracle cure you’ve found? Kaidan’s only going to be distracted for so long.”

“You haven’t told him?”

“No – not gonna get his hopes up if this fails. So? What is it?”

She waved her omni-tool over him. “Well, since the main problem is that in trying to keep your body from rejecting your cybernetics, it put a strain on your heart. That combined with all the close calls and the use of your biotics, leaves you in the state you’re in now.”

“Alright… so?”

“I’ve been studying the cybernetics in your body,” she said. “Despite everything else, at the moment they actually seem fairly stable. This leads me to believe that if we could repair your heart using more cybernetics, you could, in theory, be saved. It would be like getting a new heart except it’s still your old one, slightly modified.”

Shepard frowned. “I hear a ‘but’ somewhere in there.”

“Even in this day in age, matters of the heart aren’t to be taken lightly, as I’m sure you know. There are still risks involved with such an operation. Your heart would need to be stopped for several minutes while we reconfigure it and enhance it.”

Shepard nodded slowly. “So… you’re saying this could very well kill me.”

“In theory.”

_It’s our best shot, though._

He knew this, knew that other than using the clone’s heart, this was his only option for survival. It could just as easily kill him, though. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do – leave it as it was and die slowly, or risk getting killed instantly so he could get those cybernetics which could potentially save him.

_Screwed if I do, screwed if I don’t._

At least this way he had a chance. At least this way, if he did die, it would be quick and he wouldn’t be aware of it. It was better than slowly dying like he was right now. It was better than not being able to really catch his breath, better than freezing all the time.

“Okay,” he said quietly, “let’s do it.”

 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter of this story, and pretty much the final thing to be posted since I don't know when, or if, I will be continuing the third one. I got a new xbox and lost all my progress on the other one so I'd have to play through all 3 games to continue it, so I could get the game dialogue and scenes down, and that will take a while. So for the time being... this is all there is. I do hope it sounds okay and that you've had a fun ride with it :) Thanks for reading.

Chapter Eighteen

 

_This is crazy._

            Completely and utterly crazy, and yet it was their only option because Shepard was nothing if not stubborn and he refused to let them use the clone’s heart. A lot of the medical lingo went over Kaidan’s head – he was a field medic, after all, not a surgeon – and yet in the end it all came down to one thing: Shepard’s last chance, and it could just as easily kill him as it could save him.

            Dr. Chakwas wanted to do it as quickly as possible. According to her, the sooner they did it, the stronger his heart would be for the procedure. The more they waited, the weaker it and his body would be, and it would just pile on more risks and the chance of success diminished. At the moment she had the odds set at 50/50 – odds were even but not particularly in their favor.

            Kaidan had just as much a chance of losing him here as he did of saving him.

            Shepard asked for an hour. Dr. Chakwas said that was fine and would give her time to assemble a team including Dr. Michel, who had helped save Kaidan’s life after the events on Mars.

            During that hour, though, Shepard was to remain in med bay, his omni-tool gathering data on his heart, how many beats a minute, etc. Kaidan found him there a few minutes later after having finally getting away from Garrus, and Shepard told him about the operation and how it could save him or kill him.

            Kaidan wasn’t sure whether he should laugh or cry. There was hope, which was more than they had before, but that didn’t mean everything was okay. That didn’t mean this would work out, because when had things ever worked out for them?

            _There’s gotta be a first time for everything._

            He hoped that was true. He hoped this would be the miracle they were hoping for and not the final nail in the coffin of Shepard. There was always that doubt, though…

            At the moment Shepard was sitting on one of the beds in med bay and Kaidan was sitting next to him. Neither of them spoke, silently holding hands as Dr. Chakwas rushed around gathering equipment and informing her newly assembled team of what they were going to be doing. They were to open Shepard up, stop his heart while still manually massaging it, keeping the blood flowing through him, while they added the necessary cybernetics to the weakened areas.

            Simple, in theory.

            Simple, looking at it from an observational standpoint.

            The hardest thing in the world when it was happening to a loved one.

            Each time he heard Shepard shift next to him, felt the commander yawn and rest his head against his shoulder, he couldn’t help but wonder if this would be the last time any of this would happen. Their hour was winding down quickly, sand through a sieve, and Kaidan wished he knew what to do. He had no place in this and would be forced from the room as soon as Shepard slipped under the anesthesia. Even if he was part of Dr. Chakwas’ team, he was ‘too emotionally attached’ to do anything.

            His hands were shaking already, the only thing keeping them steady Shepard’s grip on them. He liked to think he offered the vanguard a bit of warmth, his body otherwise freezing, heart unable to circulate blood through him properly at the moment. This operation was the only way to save him, but it wasn’t guaranteed.

            “I love you,” he said quietly, unaware he’d spoken the words until Shepard slid a little closer to him, burying his face in the crook of the sentinel’s neck, taking as deep a breath as he could manage.

            “You too, K,” Shepard replied, voice just as soft and quiet.

            Kaidan took in a deep breath and nodded. “When this is over, we’ll… I’ll fix us a steak dinner.”

            Shepard’s laugh was quiet and tired but genuine. “Can’t wait, K.”

           

Shepard would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. These could be his last few moments awake, aware and alive and he didn’t quite know what to do with himself. He didn’t know what to do or say but he knew he’d think of something five minutes from now, when it was too late. It was just the typical way of life.

            Kaidan kept opening and closing his mouth, unable to find the correct words, so maybe Shepard wasn’t the only one utterly lost at the moment. That was a very small bit of relief, though, because this could still be his last few moments alive. He was happy to be spending them with Kaidan – he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather spend them with – but he would have preferred to spend them elsewhere.

            In his cabin, maybe, or his new apartment which he might never get to go back to…

            Anywhere but med bay. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t want to die in the hospital, and med bay was basically the Normandy’s mobile hospital.

            “Shepard, I…”

            Shepard frowned, looking at the downcast gaze of the sentinel next to him. “I’m about to have a life or death experience, and you’re gonna call me Shepard?”

            Kaidan swallowed. “Sorry. Ryan. I just… I’m _sorry_ …”

            “It’s not your fault,” Shepard said, like he’d said many times the past few days. He wasn’t sure why Kaidan kept blaming himself – it wasn’t like he could possibly know things would turn out this way. “I should have listened to you. My fault, not yours.”

            Kaidan shook his head. “I just… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

            Shepard swallowed, remembering when he used similar words. Kaidan’s response had been to say that he would never have to find out, but he felt fairly confident that someday, Kaidan _would_ find out.

            “It’ll be okay,” he said instead of actually answering. He knew Kaidan wanted reassurances, but that was just something he couldn’t give at the moment. Kaidan’s grip on his hand tightened and he rested his head against the other man’s shoulder again.

            For a long moment they simply sat there like that, unable to tell where one of them began and the other ended. Finally Dr. Chakwas approached them and Shepard sighed, lifting his head even as Kaidan stiffened, grip tightening painfully on his hand. He squeezed back as much as he could, watching as she smiled apologetically at them.

            “It’s time, I’m afraid,” she said quietly. “We are as ready as we will ever be.”

            Shepard nodded even as Kaidan’s grip seemed to tighten further. “Give us a minute,” he said, wincing, and she nodded, walking back toward her little group. He turned toward Kaidan then, watching those brown eyes latch onto his own blue ones. He brought his free hand up and lightly brushed it against the sentinel’s cheek, feeling the stubble.

            Kaidan’s own hand came up and captured his, holding it there against his cheek.

            “It’ll be okay,” Shepard said, and he was thankful he managed to smile despite how uneasy he felt. If he didn’t think it would be okay, how could he expect Kaidan to? He needed to be strong for the sentinel, after all – strong for everyone.

            Panicking wouldn’t help anyone.

            “You don’t know that,” Kaidan replied.

            “You don’t know it _won’t_.”

            Kaidan took in a slow breath and nodded, leaning forward somewhat, resting his forehead against Shepard’s in a pose which was growing increasingly familiar. Shepard found himself liking it, the closeness and intimacy it symbolized. “Just come back to me, Ry.”

            “Always,” Shepard replied quietly, pressing a light kiss to the tip of Kaidan’s nose before he stood up, pulling away from the sentinel. Kaidan’s grip tightened but then slowly loosened, allowing him to step away.

            Walking away from Kaidan and that downtrodden gaze was the hardest thing Shepard ever had to do.

 

Hours passed sort of in this odd haze. Kaidan spent most of the time pacing back and forth in front of the med bay doors, the red circle symbolizing that he did not have permission to enter. Through the windows he could see them feverishly working but could hear nothing through the glass, and due to the drawn curtains, he could only see very little. Occasionally, if they moved just right and Kaidan himself was positioned correctly, he could make out the curve of Shepard’s shoulder but then someone would always move in front of his view, and he’d go back to his pacing.

            He hoped no news was good news. So far no one had hurried out of med bay to tell him anything, so he hoped that meant things were going okay. Shepard was still alive or they wouldn’t still be working on him.

            Garrus and Tali joined Kaidan in his waiting. He appreciated not being alone, but he also couldn’t help but wish they were someone else. Not that he didn’t appreciate their presence, and not that he didn’t enjoy spending time with them as his friends, but right now the only person he wanted to be near was the once currently being operated on.

            They didn’t stay very long – probably an hour in the many hours Kaidan spent waiting. They tried to lure him away from his post but he couldn’t fathom walking away right then. If anything happened, he needed to be here, right here, waiting. Even if there was nothing he could do… this was where he needed to be.

            Tali and Garrus both eventually left to do other things. The shuttle bay was a mess, after all, and there was a bit of political fallout which Garrus was able to help mediate since he used to work with C-Sec.

            That left Kaidan alone to continue pacing back and forth.

            He wasn’t sure what he’d do if those doors opened and Dr. Chakwas said she was ‘sorry’ and there was ‘nothing she could do’. He tried to open himself up to the idea because it could very possibly happen, but each time he tried to think about it his mind quickly shut that thought down because it couldn’t happen.

            It wouldn’t be fair to anyone if this was how it ended, after all. Kaidan had to hope that whatever higher power there was out there wouldn’t let this happen.

            And the hours dragged on.

 

Kaidan woke from a sleep he never meant to have, confused and exhausted as he sat up in med bay, in one of the beds. He looked around, wondering how the hell he got there, and remembered, vaguely, someone waving their omni-tool at him, and the distinct feeling of sedatives working through his system.

            _No._

            He climbed out of bed and rushed through med bay, searching for Shepard but to his dismay, med bay was surprisingly empty. The doors opened with a quiet hiss and he spun to find Dr. Chakwas walking toward him.

            “Where is he?” Kaidan growled. “Where’s Shepard?”

            “Don’t make me sedate you again,” she said.

            He took in a breath, struggling to calm his racing heart. “What happened? Did it go okay? Where is he?”

            _Is he even alive?_

            She smiled at him. “He’s sleeping, just like you still should be.”

            “He’s…”

            _Alive?_

            It worked?

            “The operation was a success,” she said, nodding. “We thought he would be more comfortable in his cabin. You can join him if you want, but be easy on him – he’s going to be sore for a while, and no extraneous activity _of any kind_ for at least forty-eight-hours. Understood?”

            Kaidan nodded quickly and all but ran out of med bay.

            The elevator ride seemed to last an eternity but finally the doors opened and he entered Shepard’s cabin. It had been a while since either of them had been there, and Kaidan took a steadying breath as his gaze landed on the sleeping form in the large bed.

            He didn’t remember walking forward but he was suddenly sitting next to Shepard, hands reaching out to feel for a pulse himself even though he could see the rise and fall of his breaths. The steady _thud-thud_ against his fingertips was more reassuring than any words could have been, and he breathed out a heavy sigh of relief.

            _Thank God. It worked. He’s alive._

            Something finally went right.

            “Kaidan?”

            The word was soft-spoken, heavy with exhaustion, and Kaidan couldn’t keep the grin from spreading across his face as Shepard rolled toward him, tired blue eyes sliding open.

            “Hey,” he said. “It worked.”

            “Mm… you doubted me?”

            “No. Never.”

            _Never doubt you again, remember?_

            “Good,” Shepard breathed, arms untangling from the covers, hands lightly grabbing Kaidan’s arm, tugging him down. “Lay with me, K.”

            “Always.”

 

Shepard was still tired more often than not, but he wasn’t freezing all the time now, which he took as a plus. He knew the fatigue would fade eventually – his heart was just getting used to the new cybernetics. His chest still ached from where they cut him open to do the procedure, but it was healing rather nicely, according to Dr. Chakwas. It would scar, of course, but it was healing nicely.

            _Suppose that’s all I can ask for at the moment._

            Currently he was waiting for Kaidan at the apartment. The two had a dinner date tonight, and despite everything, the great Commander Shepard was nervous and excited. Dates were something he didn’t have much experience with, after all, and this was Kaidan.

            Kaidan, who he’d die for.

            More importantly, who he’d _live_ for.

            And that made him nervous because this was something rather new to him.

            He wore an N7 leather jacket and blue jeans since he knew Kaidan didn’t like him always being in his Alliance uniform. He wasn’t sure where they were going to go, but he knew they’d make the most of it anyway. They would probably go out – he couldn’t see either of them really wanting to cook at the moment – and he’d hope he didn’t fall through another fish tank.

            He chuckled despite himself and looked up as Kaidan entered the apartment. The sentinel smiled as he saw him, and Shepard’s own grin widened.

            “Hey, Shepard,” Kaidan greeted. “I’m starving.”

            “We’re going out,” Shepard said even as the sentinel walked toward him.

            “We’ll just end up back here anyway,” Kaidan said with this sly smirk. “Am I right?”

            He brushed past Shepard then, heading toward the refrigerator. Shepard turned and watched him, wondering what he was up to because he knew for a fact they most likely wouldn’t do anything _strenuous_ , as Dr. Chakwas was quick to point out. None of that for at least forty-eight-hours, which meant none of that for at least four days because Kaidan always tried to double whatever she said.

            “Oh… really?” he asked, frowning somewhat. “You want me to sit there and… watch you cook?”

            “No,” Kaidan said with a quiet chuckle. “I want you to sit there and relax and help me unwind.”

            Shepard smirked and sat at the island counter, watching as Kaidan pulled out food from the refrigerator. “Is this some Canadian delicacy of some sort?”

            “Uh… Yes. We have beef, bacon… and beer… The foods of my people.”

            Shepard laughed, reaching for the beer Kaidan put on the table. The sentinel easily slid it out of his grasp.

            “Nope, you’re not recovered yet.”

            “Kaidan! I can have a beer.”

            “Nope.” The sentinel popped off the beer’s top and took a long chug of it, leaving Shepard scowling at him. Kaidan chuckled and handed it to him. “One beer.”

            “We’ll see,” Shepard replied, grabbing the offered beer as Kaidan turned and grabbed another one from the refrigerator.

            “You like to cook?” Kaidan asked.

            “Not particularly,” Shepard said. “I know how to, but that doesn’t mean I’m the best at it. You?”

            “It’s actually kind of calming.”

            “Where’d you learn to cook?”

            “Jump Zero, believe it or not.”

            Shepard didn’t like hearing about that place. It seemed like hell.

            “Young biotics who can’t cook for themselves risk starving,” Kaidan added, leaving Shepard scowling.

            “That’s ridiculous. You’re burning the garlic, by the way.”

            Kaidan quickly remedied his mistake. “Sorry. Guess I’m a little distracted.”

            “By what?”

            Kaidan smirked, leaving Shepard smiling. “I wonder.”

            Shepard chuckled and shook his head, taking another drink of his beer. Kaidan turned and put the steaks on the stove. Shepard stood from the table, then, quietly coming up next to the sentinel, draping an arm lazily over his shoulders.

            Kaidan leaned into him somewhat and Shepard smiled.

            “Do we have any hot sauce?”

            “That depends,” Kaidan replied, giving him a sly grin. “Do you want it for the steak or other reasons?”

            “Other reasons, absolutely.”

            Kaidan rolled his eyes and shook his head, chuckling. “Then no, we don’t.”

 

“You again.”

            Shepard nodded, smirking at his clone as he sat down across from him in the interrogation room. “Hey – how’s C-Sec treating you?”

            “What do you care?”

            “No need to get defensive,” Shepard said, sighing. “I just came to make sure you’re being treated right. No ulterior motives.”

            “Why do you care?” his clone asked, and there was no way he could fake that confusion.

            “Because not everyone’s like the people you’ve known,” he said quietly, wishing he could the clone to understand. “I’m not here to use you. I’m not here to ask you for spare parts. I’m not even here to interrogate you. I just came to talk.”

            “Why do you want to talk to _me_?”

            “Because I don’t believe you were entirely in the wrong.”

            The clone blinked at him, shocked at the words in much the same way Shepard himself was. “I wasn’t… wrong?”

            “It’s true that how you went about it was wrong. A lot of innocent people could have been killed, and you did kill a few of them. There’s no excuse for that,” Shepard said. “Just so we’re clear on that. But, as for wanting to take over my life… I can’t really blame you.”

            The clone watched him, clearly on unsteady ground. There was anger, as always, in his gaze but there was something else, too.

            Something that looked oddly like hope, and Shepard knew his next words were the right thing to do.

            “I probably would have reacted the same if our roles had been reversed. I don’t agree with what you did and how you did it, but I can understand it.” He took in a breath, releasing it slowly. “That’s why I have a proposition for you.”

            “I’m listening,” the clone said slowly, like Shepard was a wild animal that could turn on him at any given moment.

            _Definitely has trust issues._

            It was understandable, though.

            “The only real people you’ve met were Cerberus agents and Brooks. But that’s now how everyone is. I’d like to show you that.”

            “Show me…?”

            “You might be a clone, but you’re still human and you have rights just like I do. I’d like to give you the chance to join me on the Normandy.”

            The clone’s eyes widened, that touch of hope beginning to win out over the anger and isolation. “Join you?”

            “Everyone deserves a chance to live,” Shepard said.

            “I killed people. I tried to ruin your life. Why offer me this?”

            “Because I believe in second chances, and you weren’t entirely wrong.” He sighed. “I guess this way… you’re vindicated, in a way.”

            Silence wrapped around them for a long moment, the clone contemplating his words, before finally his look alike sighed. “What if I refuse?”

            “Then you can stay here,” Shepard said, shrugging. “It’s your choice. The important thing is that no one is going to make it for you.”

            “How would I even go about joining you?”

            “It won’t be easy. A lot of people are going to look at you and see your faults. They’re going to judge you based on what you did, and not why you did it. I can’t change that, but I can change how they’ll look at you in the future. You’ll be under surveillance for a while, of course, and on probation. You won’t have free reign on the ship but it’s better than a cell.”

            Nothing about the journey ahead would be easy, if the clone decided to join him. A lot of people on his crew would probably hate this, and he wouldn’t risk it if he thought the clone would actually be a danger to them after all of this. But his actions were somewhat justified, and while he didn’t agree with it, he understood it, knew why the clone did what he did.

            Everyone deserved a chance, after all.

            He might have been a clone but he was still alive – he was still a person, just like Shepard and Kaidan and everyone else on his crew. Except he woke to be used against his will, bred in the shadow of someone he didn’t know but was constantly compared to, and that would drive anyone a little mad.

            “It’s your call,” Shepard said quietly, sitting back in his chair.

            Silence wrapped around them again but somehow it wasn’t as uneasy or uncomfortable as before. Shepard’s doubts eased away as he watched the emotions flicker across his clone’s face, knew that, on some level, he was getting through to him.

            “Okay,” the clone finally replied, voice just as quiet as Shepard’s.

            “Okay?”

            “I’ll join you.”

            Shepard smiled and hoped it looked as sincere as he felt. “I’m happy to hear that.”

            “I still don’t understand why you’re doing this for me.”

            “You’ll learn in time,” Shepard promised. “It’s not going to be easy, but then nothing worthwhile was ever easy. The Normandy leaves in three days – I’m sure that will be plenty of time for you to get situated somewhere. I hear the Observation Room is available.”

            Kaidan never used it anymore, after all. And who didn’t like being able to look out that wall of windows and see the galaxy passing them by?

            “I guess I should thank you.”

            “It’s not necessary,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “I did this because it’s the right thing to do. First thing’s first, though.”

            The clone frowned, uncertain. “And what’s that?”

            Shepard smirked. “You need a name.”

 


End file.
